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Model rockets rocketed me into a love for science. Computer Science Major, Personal Statement - WIT

davidb12 1 / -  
Nov 11, 2014   #1
Personal Statement

this is a rough draft. having trouble ending it and just need general editing and advice. thank you.

3...2...1...liftoff! In the blink of an eye my model rocket lurched into the troposphere in powered ascent, leaving behind it only a contrail and an enchanted grin on my face. By the time it reached its flight ceiling the ejection charge deployed the rocket's parachute and I was left with an insatiable craving to learn more. From that point on anything I could get my hands on I would take apart and put back together to increase my understanding of technology. But knowing how things were built wasn't enough, and eventually I progressed to writing my own simple programs (perhaps even a virus or two) in C++ when I received my first computer at age 12. In 10th grade I went on to make my own business building computers for friends and family. In 12th grade I used an arduino micro-controller to create a flight telemetry device that measured the altitude, acceleration and g-forces my model rockets experienced in flight. As I grew up I got to watch technology progress at such a rapid rate that staying relevant seemed impossible. But still to this day that seeming impossibility motivates me more than anything in my pursuit of a career in computer science.

Outside of my love for computation I am an avid reader; I love mountaineering, astronomy, and vegan cuisine. It could however easily be said that for most of this last decade I have been blinded by science. Learning everything I could about engineering, programming, and technological innovation. But my goal has always been to go to a distinguished college, and study in the field of computer science despite my eclectic range of interests. In reality though computer science is an all encompassing field for my interests, as technology is all around us. I could write bottom-up artificial intelligence scripts to help create the first robot with human-level intelligence. Or create an artificial reality simulator for coma patients or people with disabilities such as war veterans. Or work researching and developing robotics for NASA's next rover missions. I love the fact that computer science can give me an honest opportunity to help others and to expand the reach of humankind into the cosmos all while satisfying my infatuation with science.

With the wide range of minors, the amazing co-op program, a beautiful campus in the heart of Boston and one of the oldest and most respected ROTC programs in the country, Wentworth will give me all the tools I need to go above and beyond my goals while also minimizing debt. Perhaps around this time next year I will be learning in the state of the art labs in the Ira Allen building and studying with other freshman in Beatty Hall library. (dont know how to end it )

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 11, 2014   #2
David, it would really help in reviewing your essay if you can provide us with your complete essay prompt. That way we know how to judge the content of your essay in terms of the prompt requirements and also, help us generating some suggested essay conclusions for your consideration or use a guide template. The essay you have currently written is quite informative and entertaining. However, it is best if we give our editing and revision advice after we find out what direction the essay should be headed in. So don't be shy. Let us in on the full essay prompt for the personal statement. Your essay will be better off for it :-) Right now, our advice is severely limited since we do not have much room to function in nor a reference as to where the essay should be headed.
vetementu 9 / 21  
Nov 12, 2014   #3
Your essay seems very disjointed and was very hard to read. In the beginning, I didn't understand the context. Perhaps you could keep a couple sentences without e3xplaining the reader what is going on, but it just becomes confusing after a while. So add an explanation closer to the beginning of the essay

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