Please be as harsh as possible and honestly give me your opinion of my common app essay! I'm doing REA for Stanford due Nov 1st, so I'm trying to get this essay done ASAP! Also, this essay needs to be 500 words & I'm about 100 over so if you see anything you think is unnecessary, let me know!!!
"Finish your food; I don't like to throw food."
"Your cousins back home would appreciate."
I often dismissed these little reprimands and stern warnings from both of my parents and continued to push my pasta around the plate, wishing it away with my eyes. Despite having two Eritrean parents, and shelves of stories about the struggle they have had to go through, I hardly dwelled on the true battle some of my family has been fighting, nor developed any true understanding of my blessings.
In the midst one day last September, I ran across one of my cousins saying on Twitter: "#HelpEritreansInSinai" along with a link to a YouTube video. Curious, I began watching.
Within the first minute of the video, I grew mortified at what I was witnessing. Due to the extremely corrupt government in Eritrea, many have tried to escape and journey to a safe haven in neighboring countries. Sadly, these escapees haven't been able to make it all the way to their destination. Bedouin attackers have captured these refugees in areas such as Sinai, Egypt, and have abused their prisoners-physically, emotionally, and verbally, as well as have demanded unreasonably expensive ransoms. Without the video actually showing the brutalities, I could feel every slap and cringed at every burn as my fellow Eritreans cried and begged to God to stop their torment.
This video hit close to home. Normally one to embrace knowledge, I shrunk with fear when learning the names of the prisoners, the details of the negotiations being made with the attackers, and the number of days until these people's death were to come. It was unrealistic to believe that everyone could be saved.
This sad situation illuminated my adolescent mindset. How could I have ignored the struggle of my parents and so many of my relatives? Why did it take such extreme circumstances to help me actually "appreciate"?
The only way to explain my previous mindset is to describe it as naĂŻve. Prompted by the video, I learned to adopt a broader frame of mind and I have come to value the diverse background my parents have endowed me with. Not only do I finish my food at the dinner table, but I work to make people more cognizant of what's happening in Eritrea and in similar situations worldwide. I have done and am still doing my best to understand how drastically different my life is from my relatives', and I have worked to close that gap through better communication and paying closer attention.
I try to better foster this connection through my involvement with Model United Nations and with my attempt in trying to learn how to write Tigrinya, the language of Eritrea. Model UN in turn granted me the ability to see the situation in Eritrea from a global perspective, and has become an important teacher for me, educating me on compromise and quick thinking. Learning Tigrinya has been difficult, with over 260 characters and sounds to put together, but I have used it as a linkage between my relatives and me. The Eritreans in Sinai helped motivate me to push the envelope in learning to write Tigrinya and in better engaging myself in organizations that have developed me intellectually, all in all molding me into a much more proactive person.
Learning of the dire situation was a sad wake up call, but a necessary truth. I believe the Eritreans ignited another passion within me-the passion for brotherhood. This brotherhood I have come to so strongly believe in has taken a part in helping me improve my perspective and learn the true meaning of appreciation and value.
Thank you for taking your time to read this essay!
hi
i like how you tied in your background and made this essay especially personal.
I think that you should look over some of your phrasing and word choice--some parts are awkward and feel a bit forced.
show more on how you grew and less on your faults, don't dwell on faults!
I think you did a great job of conveying personal concern. However, I don't see the point of the beginning with the quotes and the pasta. I guess it adds a nice anecdote but as you said, you're over by 100 so may try to cut that out?
Otherwise, it was an enjoyable read.
