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'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response


Mayada 6 / 96  
Sep 2, 2009   #1
We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)

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To me, meeting people, debating, public speaking, researching, and traveling all sound tempting. Something that could combine them all is even more alluring. Model United Nations seemed appealing; although I was not interested in politics by the time I auditioned to join the club. It was an addictive drug; I couldn't miss a conference whenever I had the chance after I joined. I traveled to Singapore, Turkey, and England to attend three conferences representing different countries I barely knew of before. I valued that experience and this opportunity to make friends from all over, be introduced to politics, and have intellectual conversations. I lost my stage fright through repetitive exposure to audience. Gladly, graduating from high school is not going to be the end of it, what I did was just the beginning. 

christiek 6 / 65  
Sep 2, 2009   #2
- hmmm, the hook is not hookin' me

-this clearly answers the prompt :)

-

It was an addictive drug; I couldn't miss a conference whenever I had the chance after I joined.

i feel like making this two sentences would have a better effect, because it would emphasize the first part. BUT the addictive drug part doesn't really fit with this to me. i think you should describe the "addictiveness" in other words. see what others say :)

-

I valued that experience and this opportunity to

im not too sure, but it seems like "that experience" is referring to the conference and "this opportunity" is something else. maybe it should be "the opportunity" ??

hope this made sense. haha

good luck :))
CalLover 2 / 14  
Sep 2, 2009   #3
I don't think your ideas transition well.. I dont think you should use additive drug as a metaphor... And I don't think it makes sense to say model united nations seemed appealing to you then but you weren't interested in joining the club. Why did you join it if it didn't appeal to you? I do however think you did a lot! Seems like you will have a great story to tell with your Trips to cool places and all. :)
OP Mayada 6 / 96  
Sep 2, 2009   #4
The problem is keeping it within 100 words. I really have a lot to tell about this experience but I can't fit everything within the limits.. and yeah drugs sure sound extreme!! :P

here's the edited
----------------------------

I need advice on how to make it more interesting as well.. and if there's anything to omit ;)
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Sep 2, 2009   #5
^You barely knew of countries before. That just sounds ignorant on your part, but I guess overcoming ignorance is a big step. Which countries though, beacuse if it was Singapore, Turkey and England, you have not made that clear.

-By going to three countries, you made friends from all over? Sounds unlikely
-What do you define as an intellectual conversation?
-The sentence with 'audience' needs grammar revision.
-In regards to your last line, going to be the end of what. High school?
OP Mayada 6 / 96  
Sep 2, 2009   #6
Actually, the countries I represented were African countries, and I made friends all over by attending the conference.. MIT has those conferences as well so they know about the debating and the "making friends" plus the conversations students mostly have.. students our age come from all over the world to attend these international conferences, and MIT is well aware of what they are and such..

... hmm, lol you crossed over everything.. including the name of the club, hehe.. it's not just any conference, it has all the things i mentioned in the beginning included in the preparation process and the actual process.

-In regards to your last line, going to be the end of what. High school?

It's not going to be the end of participating in Model United Nations.. and it's the beginning because it's just an introductory experience to what I'm planning to do if I get accepted in MIT, because I can do better in more experiences in Model United Nations.. :)

So what do you suggest I should say?
how can i make my point clear?

Thanks btw :D
tal105 7 / 130  
Sep 2, 2009   #7
Meeting people, debating, public speaking, researching, and traveling are all tempting to me. Something that could combine them all is even more alluring. Model United Nations seemed appealing as a chance to travel on school days. <--- this makes it seem like u do it just to get out of school lol. i suggest removing this.

When I auditioned to join the club, I was not yet interested in politics.

--> here is a gap. what made u change your mind?<--

Since then ( since when?), it became addictive; I couldn't miss a conference whenever I had the chance (chance to do what?). I traveled to Singapore, Turkey, and England to attend three conferences representing different countries I barely knew of before. I valued that experience and the opportunity to make friends from all over, to be introduced to politics, and to have intellectual conversations. I lost my stage fright through repetitive exposure to audience (you dont mention stage fright in the beginning and how it was an obstacle, so unless you do this, this sentence to me makes no sense).

Fortunately, graduating from high school is not going to be the end of it , what I accomplished was just the beginning.

this ending is flat. it sorta doesnt make sense almost b.c. your like graduating from high school b.c. cant you still do these type of activities after high school? does this give u an idea? maybe make that your ending. say how although ur graduating, your gonna try to do it after high school.

hopefully some stuff i told u to take out will allow for you to add some stuff you want to.

good luck!
amy87014 3 / 15  
Sep 3, 2009   #8
I think it'll be better if you say more about why it suddenly became so addictive from "seemed appealing"
The first 2 sentences still aren't that catchy of a hook. ok so you said something that combines them is even more alluring, but then you said it as if it's not that interesting by using "seemed".

Maybe wanna connect the 2 sentences with another phrase?
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Sep 3, 2009   #9
Actually, the countries I represented were African countries, and I made friends all over by attending the conference..

^How are any of your readers supposed to know that?

IT has those conferences as well so they know about the debating and the "making friends" plus the conversations students mostly have.. students our age come from all over the world to attend these international conferences, and MIT is well aware of what they are and such..

^Just because you assume MIT knows, should not be your excuse to omit necessary details and information.

-In regards to your last line, going to be the end of what. High school?

It's not going to be the end of participating in Model United Nations.. and it's the beginning because it's just an introductory experience to what I'm planning to do if I get accepted in MIT, because I can do better in more experiences in Model United Nations.. :)

^Does MIT have a Model United Nations program? Also, revise all of those sentences. That idea most certainly, did not come across.
You need to find ways of expressing yourself in a sophisticated and comprehensive manner. It is hard, but remember you are applying to MIT and naturally, the standard of your writing should be quite high as well.

The first 2 sentences still aren't that catchy of a hook. ok so you said something that combines them is even more alluring, but then you said it as if it's not that interesting by using "seemed".

^The whole essay does not have a particular catch to it.

Mayada, I advise you delete this essay and start over. Sometimes the best sentences are simple, effective ones. Stick to those, because your current sentence style has boring elements to it and does not say anything unique about you either.
OP Mayada 6 / 96  
Sep 3, 2009   #10
Ok, I rewrote it like you suggested..

"I object!" I yelled while raising my placard; a white piece of paper with a four-hundred-and-twenty sized "Gabon" in a black Calibri font. The chairman declined the motion to move into voting procedure. Ironic how an African country's vote counts as a veto power country's when it comes to motions. America's delegation must have felt the intensity of the debate we were holding, and that's why he called for that motion. Hence, I had one more speech that would surely bring down that resolution that was not in favor of third world countries. That was the last conference I participated in before I became an organizer for the first Model United Nations (MUN) conference in our school, and a mentor for some of the delegates. Fortunately, I can still be an "MUN-er" at MIT. MITMUNC will be more interesting. Instead of just politics, it deals with technology and science as well.

The problem is that it's too long, and I need to know what to omit. And I wanna know if it's clear. Because I have to make it short, I think the transition between the theme of the conference and the idea of being an organizer is sudden and doesn't really sound right.. another thing is the ending. I have no ending :P

I need suggestion :)
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 3, 2009   #11
Oh, this version is so much stronger than when you started. Good job taking and using constructive criticism! I liked your next-to-last version better, though. In editing down, you cut out some of the sense of it.
OP Mayada 6 / 96  
Sep 4, 2009   #12
Thanks!
What do you suggest? Because the before-last version is about 150 words. Apparently, writing shorter is way much harder!!
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Sep 4, 2009   #13
Apparently, writing shorter is way much harder!!

^It can be, but not necessarily is. I think you can stick to your latest essay as it is.
Pikafu 4 / 15  
Sep 4, 2009   #14
I think that this sentence is a little confusing and wordy:

"Ironic how an African country's vote counts as a veto power country's."

I suggest that you should delete this sentence, because if I found it confusing, an admissions officer going through hundreds of applications in a day will probably do so as well (but then again, maybe it's just the way I read it). Also, this sentence expresses your opinion about a country you were debating about, which normally isn't a bad thing, but on a short answer question such as this, with only 100 words to spare, it doesn't contribute much to the prompt of "the things you do for pleasure".

Also, the last sentence of your most recent short answer is sort of "forced" in there. To me, it just seemed like a random reference to MIT's Model U.N. program. I liked the final sentence of your first short answer more, because it did not state that you would like to continue Model UN at MIT so explicitly; instead, it was implied and more subtle:

"Gladly, graduating from high school is not going to be the end of it, what I did was just the beginning." 

If I may, I'll correct this:

"However, the end of high school only marks the beginning of my involvement with politics."

I think that if you substitute the last sentence of your first response into your most recent draft, you'll make it more memorable.
OP Mayada 6 / 96  
Sep 5, 2009   #15
thanks!
but should I say that it will not be the end of my involvement with "politics"? Maybe it wouldn't be clear enough that I would like to join MIT's program.. MUN is probably going to be the only involvement with politics i'll have :P even if it continued on if im at MIT
Pikafu 4 / 15  
Sep 6, 2009   #16
I see where the word "politics" would be vague if you're trying to convey your interest in MITMUNC. Maybe you could say "the end of high school only marks the beginning of my involvement with MUN, which I hope to continue at MIT" or something along the lines of that.
OP Mayada 6 / 96  
Sep 6, 2009   #17
yeah that would be better..
Thank you everyone!!


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