So here's my dilemma...my essay is about 650 words which is a good way over the word limit. Can anyone give me some feedback and suggestions on what to cut/change?
Appreciate it.
Essay 1 Please respond to one of the following questions in an essay of no more than 500 words:
A. It is three weeks before the start of your freshman year at BU, and you are talking to your new roommate for the first time. Since you are trying to get to know each other, what are a few things you would want to share about who you are?
Well, I'm not very good at introductions, but I suppose I'll tell you a little about myself. I'm quite spontaneous and I tend to like doing whatever is on my mind at the moment, so please don't be alarmed if you catch me getting ice-cream two in the morning. I'm a big music fan, I have posters of Linkin Park to T-shirts of Nirvana. I listen to a lot of punk, rock, and metal; as long as it has a satisfactory guitar solo I'm content. Aside from music, I'm also a film camera enthusiast and I've spent a lot of my free afternoons doing art.
There's one other thing that I hope you won't mind; I play guitar everyday. It's not forced nor am I an aspiring musician, it's just that if I miss a day, I'd get the itch to play the next day. I first picked up guitar at the end of 6th grade, half in rebellion against my parents and half in admiration to System of a Down's new hit single, Hypnotized. Ever since, it's been a part of my life. At first it was very energetic. Energetic perhaps is not the best description; it was more like aggressive.
When I first entered adolescence, I felt the need to fit in, but having lived in China for 10 years, my English was poor, so as a result I was uncomfortable with my heritage. I didn't feel like speaking Chinese or celebrating Chinese traditions. I was unhappy with my family because they didn't celebrate Christmas with proper dinners or take me for egg hunts on easter. So when I turned all of my attention to playing guitar, it became the outlet of all the frustration and bitterness that I had suppressed inside. I spent hours in my closed room playing, and it provided me a sanctuary. In the wailing tunes of Guns n' Roses and the heavy drums of Bon Jovi, I purged all my negative emotions that has trapped and blinded me from thinking clearly. In many ways, playing guitar has helped me avoid many arguments and breakdowns. Whenever I felt like giving up, it was there to help me keep holding on and persisting toward my goal.
As I made the transition from middle school to high school, my anger has subsided as I won more freedom from my parents and I begin to see things in a different perspective. One time in history class, we were learning Ancient Asian civilizations. I mentioned my familiarity of Chinese history and the whole class seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say about my experience living in China. It made me appreciate the unique chance of seeing different cultures. I begin to accept my heritage and embrace it as a part of me. In my junior year, I took up Chinese, and at the same time, I learned to open up to my parents. Whenever we had a disagreement, instead of shutting down, I tried to explain my feelings and opinions to them. In return, they listened with patience. Trust developed between us and our relationship grew stronger.
Around that time, I put down my electric guitar and grabbed an acoustic. I dropped my pick and settled for a gentle fingerpicking style. My music developed with me and has long been my habitual counsel.
Even though I still sport my studded leather jacket and heavy eyeliner wherever I go, it is merely a statement of confidence. I'm not worried about molding myself to fit in anymore and I'm comfortable with how I look. So don't worry, I'll spare you the head-banging and the stereotypical rude punk persona. While I have my quiet moments, I'm quite sociable. I can't wait to spend my first year of college with you.
Just a few corrections
so please don't be alarmed if you catch me getting at ice-cream two in the morning.
In the first paragraph I would take out "Aside from music, I'm also a film camera enthusiast and I've spent a lot of my free afternoons doing art." It interrupts talk of music. If you take this out it will flow better.
"At first it was very energetic. Energetic perhaps is not the best description; it was more like aggressive." I do not think that this sentence is necessary. Maybe a good way to cut down words?
There are a few awkward sentences -- I would read your essay out loud. Otherwise, I think it's very informative for your new roommate and the last paragraph is great!
i just noticed i put the at in the wrong place. it should come after ice cream
A few awkward sentences:
As I made the transition from middle school to high school, my anger has subsided as I won more freedom from my parents and I begin to see things in a different perspective.
I have everything from posters of Linkin Park to T-shirts of Nirvana.
When I first entered adolescence, I felt the need to fit in, but having lived in China for 10 years, my English was poor, so as a result I was uncomfortable with my heritage.
--- I understand where you are going with this, I think the connection needs to be a little clearer. Why does your English being poor make you uncomfortable with your heritage? Explain a bit more. Maybe something like " When I first entered adolescence, I always felt the need to fit in. However, having lived in China for 10 years, my English was not up to par with the other students. I felt uncomfortable with my ability to communicate and as a result felt uneasy with my heritage." That just came out in two seconds, and is completely just a suggestion!
Let me know if you need more help!
It's not forced nor am I an aspiring musician, it's just that if I miss a day, I'd get the itch to play the next day.
this sentence is unnecessary if you need to cut words
While I have my quiet moments, I'm quite sociable.
this comes a bit out of nowhere
Try putting a few sentences about your music into one sentence. That will make your writing more concise and affective and will also help you stay under the word limit.
I think it needs to be organized a little bit, and I am not too crazy about the beginning. I think you need to have a softer introduction. Some facts about yourself perhaps: your age, where you come from and so on, just to get started and then move on to talking about your interests. I also think you should divide it into some paragraphs, because it gets a bit confusing and overwhelming. You should definitely cut down on the music parts, less is more. Hope it helps a little bit! Your essay is good and honest, but it needs some work I think. I'm traveling tomorrow, so I'll take another look in the plane and see if I can help you some more. And thank you so much for your advice on mine, really appreciate it!
