Just looking for a few comments about how to improve it. If there are any specific awkward sentence structures or anything, let me know! Thanks!!!!
Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
As I was sipping lassi and munching on samosas at a family friend's dinner party, an uncle approached me, interrupting my bonding session with my favorite snacks. "So, son, what do you want to do when you grow up?" he pointedly inquired. A dubious eleven-year-old, I was unsure how to reply. I settled upon the cliché response: "I want to help people." However, to me this response was not cliché; it was the truth.
Ascending the academic ladder from learning how to color inside the lines to deriving the equations for centripetal acceleration, I reached my final year of high school. Science had always been my favorite subject, with biology piquing my interest the most. Ever since my first biology class in ninth grade, I knew it was the science I truly wanted to study, since it would enable me to directly impact the lives of others. Throughout high school, I have pursued this interest via various outlets, such as Science Olympiad, volunteer work at the local hospital, and research in a microbiology laboratory at the Pennsylvania State University's Department of Veterinary and Biomedical Sciences. Each activity only reaffirms my interest in this evolving field, inspiring me to major in Molecular Biology.
Between my sophomore and junior years, I represented my school at the Global Young Leaders Conference, which taught me how the United Nations plays a role in international political relations. At this conference, I discovered my true passion: public health. As a member of the health commission, I worked closely with my fellow diplomats from around the world to draft a resolution concerning the global dissemination of health care. As we discussed the topic at hand, I slowly arrived at the realization that global health was more of a microscopic issue than a macroscopic one. My research in a microbiology laboratory validated this conclusion. Under the supervision of my mentor, I investigated the bacterial agents responsible for infections in farm cattle and used my results to devise treatment and prevention methods. I learned that laboratory research can have a monumental impact on those living in impoverished societies, due to rapidly occurring new developments in laboratory technology. Such invigorating possibilities have inspired me to study the very science that governs the function of our bodies and open the door to future discoveries of my own.
As infectious diseases become more prevalent throughout the world, groundbreaking research becomes increasingly vital. Through my studies at Carnegie Mellon University, I will make maximal use of my resources, specifically the opportunity to conduct my own research and learn from the world's leading professors. This will allow me to fine-tune an education to foster my individual interests - to improve the lives of others through medical research. Additionally, the advising resources offered by the Mellon College of Science will allow me to obtain internships with biomedical research organizations where I will not only exercise my knowledge of biomedical science, but also obtain insight into the inner workings of a large research agency.
Ultimately, I plan to lead a cutting-edge biomedical laboratory researching the agents responsible for the spread of diseases throughout the globe's diverse communities. My studies at Carnegie Mellon University will grant me admission to some of the world's most competitive graduate programs, where I hope to earn a Ph.D. in a field related to infectious disease. With my future research, I plan to develop vaccinations and treatments for those whom I have personally seen living in congested slums on the roadsides of urban India. By making a positive impact on the life of just one other person, I will have made a positive impact on the world. Such an impact will have stemmed not only from the discoveries I made in my laboratory, but also from the education I received from one of the world's top-class institutions.
That is a great introduction! I think the thing to do, though, is add one more sentence to that first paragraph. It should be a sentence that tells the reader either 1.) the common theme that runs through all the ideas you will talk about in the essay or 2.) a list of the ideas that will be covered. It will fit very nicely, because I think whatever the sentence is will be something that will tell the way you will help people in life.
