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'Molecular biology / Japanese Culture Club' - UC PERSONAL STATEMENTS


kimichan108 1 / -  
Nov 25, 2012   #1
Hello. I would appreciate it if any of you could please review/edit/proofread my two personal statements. I can also proofread yours, if you send me the link/your prompt. Thank you!

Prompt #1: Describe the world you come from-for ex. your family, community, or school-and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations
In 2002, my grandfather passed way from cancer, leaving my grandmother alone in the house. As a result, my mother and I had to leave my previous house in South San Francisco to live with my grandmother in the Sunset. Changing houses meant separating from my father, adapting to a new neighborhood, and taking on new challenges of assisting my grandmother. Although, these obstacles were difficult to overcome, I am ecstatic to be able to spend time with her every day.

Over the years, my grandmother developed Alzheimer's and mobility problems, and it has been challenging to take care of her. It is difficult to know that one of my own family members remembers my name one minute, but forgets another minute. I try to spend time with her as much as possible to keep our connection. Even though she may forget who I am momentarily, I still want her to know that I will always be there to take care of her. In these years that I have taken care of my grandmother, I have come to realize how blessed most of us are to still have the ability to remember even the tiniest trifles in our everyday lives.

On a typical day, I assist my mother when taking care of my grandmother. Before I leave for school, I usually make oatmeal for my grandmother, so it is ready for her when she wakes up. My mother then takes her to an elderly center for exercise until the time I come home. When I arrive home, I give my grandmother a healthy snack and walk one block with her, holding on to her arm. If my mother is not home in the evening, I would make dinner and look after my grandmother until my mother comes home. Before she sleeps, I feed her medicine and tuck her in bed. It is a challenge to take care of my grandmother, while keeping up my grades and doing various extracurricular activities, but I still make time to spend time with her.

Both my grandmother and grandfather helped me discover what career I would like to pursue: Molecular Biology. After they developed these diseases, I wanted to learn more about what the causes were and how they develop over time. In 2011, I took a class at school called Biotechnology 1 and 2. In this class, I was shown the various types of genetic disorders and diseases. I was especially interested when I researched in depth about the various types of cancers, including the cancer my grandfather developed. I was also exposed to various techniques used in a typical lab that will help me pursue a career in this field. I am currently taking Biotechnology 3 and 4 to continue my learning and strengthen my techniques before I plan to major in Molecular Biology in college. By pursuing this career, I would like to make an impact in the flourishing Molecular Biology industry and help those who are suffering from diseases.

Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are

As a passionate volunteer and a dedicated member of the Japanese Culture Club, I was selected to be an ambassador in a study tour program in Japan, which primarily focused on the 8.9 earthquake and tsunami in the Tohoku region. In Ibaraki, a prefecture surrounding the Tohoku region, I cleaned debris on the beach along with two other schools. There were Styrofoam, beer bottles, and dangerous pieces of wood that had washed up. I cleared these pieces that had washed up, and ended up filling four bags full of debris. Together, we were able to clear the beach for the locals to safely return. A memorable experience during this clean up was moving a heavyweight tree that had fallen. I helped move this tree along with about 25 other people, and even the locals assisted us. I was able to witness and experience all the schools and locals determined to work together to clear the fallen tree and restore this beach. Witnessing everyone working together, no matter the cultural barriers, is an experience I will treasure throughout my lifetime.

I am proud to have been able to experience working together with people from other states and locals from Japan. It gave me great pride to work together with my peers, other schools, and especially the locals to make an impact. Although it was not the local's responsibility to clean the beach, they were still determined to help clear the debris. Whether or not we were able to understand each other was not important. We were all there to achieve one goal: to make a difference to a disaster affected area. As a result of our impact, all our hard work restored the local's current pristine Ibaraki beach. Knowing that I had aided and made a difference to even a small area like this, helped me realize that if we work together, we can accomplish any goal and pass any obstacle. There are cultural differences and cultural barriers when working together, but I am proud to have overcome these obstacles to create new friendships and stronger bonds between various states and countries.

To be selected for this program was one of my most memorable opportunities. I was selected because of my communication skills, determination, and personality. This experience has helped me gain communication skills because I overcame the cultural obstacles to create new friendships across America and overseas to Japan. I took that step to initiate friendships and create bonds, which is what the program is about. I was also the most determined during the clean up because I wanted to make a difference, and I did. I was dedicated to clean up as much as the debris as I could, and restore the beach to its former state. Finally, my personality helped me to easily work well with others. We accomplished a great deal because the students and I were able to communicate and work well with each other. I am glad to have used my characteristics to make an impact.
mish1493 2 / 4 1  
Nov 25, 2012   #2
so when college read these essays they want to know about you. and that is their main point of view. In the first one I felt like I learn about your grandmother but not you. Make them want to accept you!!
uscuscusc 9 / 27 2  
Nov 25, 2012   #3
Prompt 1:
In 2002, my grandfather passed way from cancer, leaving my grandmother alone in the house. As a result, my mother and I had to leave my previous house in South San Francisco to live with my grandmother in the Sunset. Changing houses meant separating from my father, adapting to a new neighborhood, and taking on new challenges of assistingassisting her with what? my grandmother. Although, these obstacles were difficult to overcome, I amyoure using both the past and present tense, choose ONE ecstatic to be able to spend time with her every day.

consider changing the introduction
Over the years, my grandmother developed Alzheimer's and mobility problems, and it has been challenging to take care of her. It is difficult to know that one of my own family members remembers my name one minute, but forgets another minute. I try to spend time with her as much as possible to keep our connection. Even though she may forget who I am momentarily, I still want her to know that I will always be there to take care of her. In these years that I have taken care of my grandmother, I have come to realize how blessed most of us are to still have the ability to remember even the tiniest trifles in our everyday lives.

On a typical day, I assist my mother when taking care of my grandmother. Before I leave for school, I usually make oatmeal for my grandmother, so it is ready for her when she wakes up. My mother then takes her to an elderly center for exercise until the time I come home. When I arrive home, I give my grandmother a healthy snack and walk one block with her, holding on to her arm. If my mother is not home in the evening, I would make dinner and look after my grandmother until my mother comes home. Before she sleeps, I feed her medicine and tuck her in bed. It is a challenge to take care of my grandmother, while keeping up my grades and doing various extracurricular activities, but I still make time to spend time with her.

Both my grandmother and grandfather helped me discover what career I would like to pursue: Molecular Biology. After they developed these diseases, I wanted to learn more about what the causes were and how they develop over time. In 2011, I took a class at school called Biotechnology 1 and 2. In this class, I was shown the various types of genetic disorders and diseases. I was especially interested when I researched in depth about the various types of cancers, including the cancer my grandfather developed. I was also exposed to various techniques used in a typical lab that will help me pursue a career in this field. I am currently taking Biotechnology 3 and 4 to continue my learning and strengthen my techniques before I plan to major in Molecular Biology in college. By pursuing this career, I would like to make an impact in the flourishing Molecular Biology industry and help those who are suffering from diseases.this should be your main focus

while i was reading this I had to constantly check the prompt, you are not answering it!
Prompt 2:
you are telling me not SHOWING. How does this make you proud and how does this relate to the person you are??
The introduction can be started off with an image of the area you cleaned up like :
Houses torn, matresses lying in the street, debris on lawns, this was the Tsunami in Tohuku. Devastation was everywhere..."
Draw a picture with your words.


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