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"My mom and dad's office" - UC prompt 1 and 2


silversweet 6 / 14  
Nov 24, 2008   #1
These are my first essays so I am still unsure. Please help me. I want to know whether they are effective and interesting essays. Grammar and help with wordiness will also be appreciated

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I sat there on the couch lulled by the gossip and only awoke from my seemingly deep stupor when a voice breached my content little world. "You must be so bored listening to them, hunny." I looked back at one of our guests. I gave her a smile and replied "No, not at all." She went off thinking of my kind consideration. She could not have known that I was genuinely intrigued and stimulated by the conversation taking place in front of me. My mind was processing and learning from the gossip going on between my father and one of his friends and business associates. They talked about shares, companies in the markets, and many ways to conduct productive ideas - just the daily gossip of businessmen. The transactions fascinated me. The quickness, the vastness and the variety, all seemed like an exciting adventure.

I grew up in my mom and dad's office. Watching them interact with others and employ tactics in Hungarian, English, or even Hindi. I had story books and novels which took me to another world, but then there were my dad's daily stories and lessons that transported me to an adventure in the real world. He would explain scenarios and teach me ways to manipulate and adjust to situations. He would be quite proud of my quick understanding and keen questioning. Many times, he would ask my advice or present a situation to me, asking me to voice my decision. I would be applauded or be carefully taught the mistakes and dangers of the direction taken. My father has been a great influence and a guiding light to me in the realm of business. His determination and hard work has lead him to great business prosperity. From him I have gained the desire to stand out on top and have realized the variety of business possibilities which has lead me to want to search for my own route in such a diverse area.

My mother, also partner in the business, has taught me the necessity of education and internationality of business. She is very adept which has been a key ingredient in her success. It has greatly helped her in learning and conversing in other languages. A good education has been a large component of this. My father's education has not been as extensive as my mother's which is why I have seen from both my parents the necessity and advantages to having a good education. As George Washington Carver said "Education is the key to unlock the golden door of freedom."

Business has become very global. Even while I was on my couch, I experienced the multi-national cultural bonds as my father, an Indian, and my father's friend, a Brazilian, conversed in English about the immense possibilities in Hungary. This international culture has become so naturally imbedded in me that I feel at total ease talking to anyone from any culture. My school has been an integral part in shaping my world to this affect. I have tasted the flavor of many nations in my international school and found bonds that connect us all. I have had "third culture kid" experience as an Indian living in Hungary going to an American international school. Business is an opportunity to incorporate all the cultural aspects of me in a productive, insightful and sensitive fashion.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

My internship at MoveOne Relocations gave me great insight into my personal qualities especially those related to the professional world. I was a very proud to find myself so well-disposed for my appointment. I came in a little uncertain but very eager to help and learn. The international atmosphere was much like what I was accustomed to therefore I was easily able to connect to my fellow 'colleagues.' All of them were thoroughly impressed and surprised when I told them that I had in fact just completed 10th grade and was working at 15 years for a whole month especially during my summer vacation and without pay for the matter of fact.

As the days went on, I quickly picked up on all that was presented to me. My mentors at the company were overjoyed by the ease by which I learned and applied myself. However, they soon started to grow frustrated with the speed by which I conducted my operations. There was never enough for me to do. I worked diligently and did not realize that I finished all my jobs in record time.

My mentors provided me with an extensive and diverse experience. I worked at the reception, utilizing my communication and language skills. Despite English being the main language spoken in the company, Hungarian was commonly used. I worked with the Information Technology department, understanding and helping monitor the program especially designed for the company. I learned to use the program expeditiously and was able to organize, arrange, and complete many pending files. I also researched expansion possibilities for the company in different countries. I wrote an article which was much appreciated by the editor for the newspaper. I even conducted menial tasks, such as filing and shredding, without complaint or lack in vigor because I know that in order to reach the top one must labor through the steps in ladder of success first. I executed jobs, all requiring different areas of expertise and skills. All in all I was able to effectively and proficiently learn and perform any task given to me. My mentors were so impressed by me and my "cheery personality" that they even offered me a job, hoping I would not leave.

Through this experience I found myself to be savoir faire since I was able to easily converse and connect with other people much older and more experienced than myself. I was also very well prepared for the assignments given to me. My adroitness has played a great role in a my success and will contribute significantly to my future as I learn and add to my eclectic array of skills. I have also realized my well-roundedness which I contribute not only to my dexterity but also to my sedulousness. As Dr. Samuel Johnson said "Few things are impossible to diligence and skill."
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 25, 2008   #2
Good afternoon :)

In regards to the first piece, I think it's a great answer to the prompt. I really wouldn't change anything!

In regards to the second piece, you do a great job explaining the experience, but no time really evaluating how it makes you proud or relates to the person you are now. Work on that, and this piece will be a great submission as well!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP silversweet 6 / 14  
Nov 28, 2008   #3
Thank you :)

I did a few changes on the 1st one and I added more evaluation in the 2nd one. Please tell me if its better. I would also appreciate help with grammar for both of them... quite unsure bout that

Thanks again :)
Kind Regards
OP silversweet 6 / 14  
Nov 28, 2008   #4
I just checked my word count and it turns out that i have 1095 - they give a little leeway on there 1000 word limit but I'm quite over So please help me cut down. I think if I make it down to 1020 it will be fine.
OP silversweet 6 / 14  
Nov 28, 2008   #5
I cut it down to 1021. Same questions. Thank you :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 28, 2008   #6
Oh, these look very good, now. Are they close enough to the word limit?
OP silversweet 6 / 14  
Nov 29, 2008   #7
Thank you
The word limit is 1000 so i think 1021 is close enough.
Is there anything I can fix?
Grammar is my main concern at this point.
Also I just wanted to make sure whether it flowed well.
OP silversweet 6 / 14  
Nov 29, 2008   #10
Okay so I realize that I answer the prompt but are the two pieces captivating enough to stand out and really be a major asset to my application?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 30, 2008   #11
The only thing I want to ask about is the title: My Mom and Dad's Office

Is this title going to be used, or was it just something you wrote as a title for this discussion? To say "my mom and dad's" is not quite correct. You might want to say:

My Parents' Office

or

The Work Environment of My Mom and Dad

...and you should change it in paragraph 2: While growing up, I spent a great deal of time in the office that belonged to my mom and dad.


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