Hi everyone, this is my first draft of the essay. I have no one near to check any errors, so I'm hoping if you all could help me.
Thanks for your time and I really appriciate it :)
Page 87 of my book is when I was 8 years old, the day I visited an art gallery for the first time of my life.
It is still fresh in my memory. The day my mom drove down the street, with a nervous face.
"Mom, where are we going?' I asked curiously.
She answered with a smile on her face. As soon as I got out of the car, I faced a tall building that looked like it was about to collapse. I started walking into a red bricked wall, where an unwelcoming atmosphere greeted me. Everything seemed unfamiliar and I tried to calm myself down. Despite the fear, however, I told myself to be strong and dared to explore the exhibition. As I bravely marched deeper into the building, I found a crowd surrounding a humongous painting. I have never seen such a big painting with so many detailed brush strokes. It was an abstract painting of which I have never seen before and could not understand. But everyone else in the crowd was amazed. I did not get it. Why are people so amazed by it? It seems like a big picture of a dark, scary, and collection of objects that I did not know. I couldn't describe the picture with my knowledge of words at the time. Neither of the other paintings scared me nor impacted me like this one did. However, I could not erase the painting out of my mind throughout the tour of the exhibition, and it lingered in my mind even when I returned home. I had a strong feeling that I will be fond of this painting in the future. When I got in to my room, the excitement and joy came around. I picked up my crayons and started coloring my "Tom and Jerry" coloring book. Even though it was only a coloring book for age seven to ten, it felt like I was the one who painted that painting that I saw earlier at the art gallery. Coloring with passion with multiple colors, I finished the whole coloring book and fell asleep on the floor. I had the sweetest dream ever, of becoming an artist when I am an adult, with an exhibition of my own.
Thanks again!!!
Hi :) I hope my review helps
In the first sentence, I do not understand the connection of "Page 87" to the rest of the essay.
When she answered with a smile on her face.. Who did she answer and what did she say? Or did she answer with a smile? The sentence is ambiguous and may be perceived to have multiple meanings. I would suggest revising this with "Without answering, she looked at me with a large smile on her face"
You walked into a red brick wall? The meaning of this sentence is that you walked into the wall, and not the building the wall is a part of.
"Despite the fear, however," is redundant. I suggest picking either 'despite the fear' or 'however'
"It was an abstract painting of which I have never seen before" you have already mentioned in the previous sentence that you have never seen such a painting. The sentence could be stronger if 'which I have never seen before' was eliminated.
Remove the 'But' at the beginning of the sentence of "But everyone was amazed". It creates a fragment.
"Why are people so amazed by it?" --> "Why were people so amazed by it?" Review the entire essay and pick one tense to follow the entire essay through with. Either present or past. It will make your essay flow smoother and more eloquently.
"However, I could not erase the painting out of my mind throughout the tour of the exhibition, and it lingered in my mind even when I returned home." The sentence is much stronger with fuller meaning when 'However' is omitted.
The essay is very detailed and extremely enticing to the reader. However, you must correct the tense of the essay because it is very confusing and not parallel throughout the work. This is very important. Overall, it is a very strong piece of work, but you can connect the sentences easier together if you substitute the prepositions (however, despite, although, etc.) with those that are more suitable.
Hope I helped :)
thank you SO much!
I feel better about it now :)) Thanks again :)
Hey! You helped me so i thought i would help you! This is a really great start and I like where you are going with it. Personally i think that the first sentence is slightly unnecessary since your readers will know the prompt BUT you do need to establish that you are going to an art gallery so include that portion some where else in the essay... something like: My first visit to an art gallery is still fresh in my mind. Hope that helps. (:
