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' My mom always makes me feel loved' - topic of choice

heatherqwer 1 / 1  
Jan 1, 2012   #1
At the age of 16 I by no means think I have experienced any life changing moments. While trying to figure out who or what I would write about, I became caught up with trying to find something interesting enough to take up these 500 words. After a couple of days of re-writes I realized I was 16 and the list of impacting people I have met was limited. I had completely over looked the person who truly impacted my life since the very first day, wether I liked it or not. Although I do realize that there will be many more perspective freshman writing about their beloved parents, I will continue about my mother because she is like no other in the world.

My mother has been the most influential person in my life. My mom was born in San Salvador, El Salvador in 1972, in the midst of a presidential election and the beginning of what would become a civil war. My mothers family was barely affected at the start of the war, except for what my mother recalls as the rainiest day. On that one specific rainy day in like every other regular day my mothers mom would go out to work. As usual my mother, then a little girl would wait out for her on the porch. The rain stooped and the days past and my grandmother would never again be seen. A casualty of war is what they labeled her. My grandmothers body was never recovered despite numerous search attempts. My mother would later move to the United States and move on without any closer to her mothers disappearance.

My mom always makes me feel loved and since i was a child would always remind me that i am beautiful. My mother taught me everything i should know as a young lady that she had to learn thru trial and error because of the absence of her mother. I appreciate my mom everyday and take full advantage of having her in my life. I feel the my mom made me every single bit of who i am today. Its important to me to move forward in life because my mom has given me no other option but success. My mother has created an atmosphere throught my life that has led me to advance and finish high school a year early

Everyday I am happy to still have the person that helps me look at the glass half full and who pushes me forward. Admittedly getting accepted to your university would be ideal, but if rejected i will still find a way and triumph above any expectations.
yuanyuan3045 6 / 23  
Jan 1, 2012   #2
It's a really great description of your mom, but focus on you, what changes did she inspire in you and made you the person your are today.

The essay is eloquent, but it does not have enough about the kind of person you are. Don't put yourself down! It's best to take out the last sentence.
pjw7109 7 / 23  
Jan 1, 2012   #3
The transition between second and third paragraph is vague.
And focus on you ! write what you have learned from her.
i don't like the last sentence... delete it!

And the beginning of your essay might sound cliche. How about starting with some kind of quotes?
steph22222 2 / 3  
Jan 1, 2012   #4
You write a little too much about your mother
focus more on yourself

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