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"Mom, why are we moving again?" I lost count on how many times I've said this phrase over the years


timmyduong123 1 / 1  
Nov 17, 2014   #1
Prompt # Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Hi this is my uc essay for prompt #1, please tell me all the problems with it such as grammar and topic. I don't know if i answered the prompt correctly. Just please give me honest feedback and how i can improve it. Thanks!

"Mom, why are we moving again?" I lost count on how many times I've said this phrase over the years. Every time I asked my parents, they never gave me a clear answer. I felt like we were running away from something, at the time me and my brother were too young to understand anything. We would move every one to two years into another city. I've lived in many parts of the bay area such as San Jose, Daly city, and even Palo Alto. The furthest I've ever live in was Houston,Texas. As I grew older, now nearing the adult age of eighteen. I understand the hardships and sacrifices my parents had made.

Although I haven't ask my parents the question for sometime, I understood all the reasons why we went through the transitions frequently. As general as it may sound, my father had been laid off several times. My parents were immigrants from Vietnam, so there english was not great which made it hard to find stable jobs. Even though both my parents passed the citizen test; job searching heavily depended on english skills.

On the subject of moving, I had to discard most of my possessions since we could not take them. I threw away several toys and other sentimental items which made the transition much harder than it already was. I became unhappy when we moved, it affected my childhood since it wasn't normal. I believe it wasn't right for a growing ten year old to make new friends every year and learn how to fit in with the right social groups. I cried every time when my parents announced we were moving again. The process itself is quite tedious as we pack our possessions and go through the embarrassing withdrawal of me from my school. Sure, I had my brother Teddy along the way, but I knew he had the same feelings I had.

For one thing, moving was pretty rough for me and my two brothers Teddy and Tommy. Since we relocated into multiple homes and apartments, schools were nothing new to us. The first few times, moving was terrible but we realize it allowed us to learn new cultures and perspectives. I was able to participate in new experiences and meet many wonderful people. Although it's unfortunate to become friends and leave shortly after, my brother and I had the pleasure of becoming a different persona each time. Throughout all the transitions, I never fully understood why certain people do things or why they acted the way they do. Every time I moved, I truly believe I am a better person than I was coming in. I was able to reinvent myself from personality to appearance. Some people may say it's my lost, but I believe its my gain.

It was the constant moving and financial problems that made the biggest contribution to the person I am today. I am not wealthy nor am I the smartest person in the world. But I am happy because I learned to make the most of something even when there isn't much to it. I understand why my parents forced us to move often. Moving helped me understand their situation in a mature way instead of the way I should have acted, angry. I look forward to a new world in which I will start, even if obstacles are sure to come.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 17, 2014   #2
Timmy, the essay itself is great. It truly touches on the essay prompt. There are a few issues that need to be resolved aside from the grammar problems though. First of all, the essay discusses your parents and siblings too much. Instead of concentrating on how the constant moving affected you and your development as a person. Do you think that you can redirect the essay to instead focus on the way you were affected by the constant moving? Let us know from the very start that you were constantly moving because your father was often laid off from his job. Then dive into a discussion of how the constant moving helped you positively to develop as a person. What lessons did you learn from living in so many areas? How did it affect the point of view you developed in relation to family dynamics and friendships? This is the world that you have to describe to us in this essay. If you can revise the essay content, we should be able to better correct the grammar issues afterwards :-)
Ghfdw17 6 / 21  
Nov 17, 2014   #3
I think the greater focus of the essay is how that made you change, how it affected you. Try to show adcoms why you are now a different person as a result of moving.
OP timmyduong123 1 / 1  
Nov 17, 2014   #4
Thank you so much, I will revise it today and I'll get back to you
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 18, 2014   #5
The world you come from sounds very interesting. It also presents a unique way of maturing far beyond your years. It is commendable that you managed to find the positive aspects of the constant moving in your life. I wish we had heard more about that development in your rather than just having it mentioned in a few sentence in the final paragraph. I believe that with every paragraph you discussed, you should have discussed a positive side along with the negative. It is important to show that you are a logical person who understands the world he lives in and realizes that he can make a change in it in the future. There are hints of that personality in the latter portions of your essay that you can develop. While there are grammar errors to be corrected, these are quite minimal and do not affect the overall content of the essay. I would advice you to revise the content of the essay before concentrating on the grammar since the words you use will definitely change and will require further editing as you work on the essay. For example

Some people may say it's my lost, but I believe its my gain.

, should actually be read or structured as "Some people may say it is my loss, but I believe it's my gain. "


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