Question:Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
Throughout my life, I have realized why my parents have struggled and worked so hard. They came to America ad where couldn't speak English or find good jobs. They have strived to give my sisters and me a chance. My parents have always pushed us to do well in school and anything else that we may do. It was very important to them that we have a good future. My parent's struggles have made me aware that I should never give up. Although life is full of challenges, they can be overcome.
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This is the second essay, same question just a different subject.
Throughout my entire life my mom used the same expression to get me to do work: "Las cosas eran distintas cuando yo tenis tu edad". It means things were different when I was your age, something that always stayed in the back of my mind when I was in school. These words had no meaning to me in my childhood; I always thought she was nagging; yet in reality she was teaching me a vital lesson. When I learned of my mother's childhood and how much harder it was for her. That even getting an education was almost impossible, I knew I would have to take everything given to me and make the best out of it.
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Which one do you think is better?
Do you see any spelling mistakes?
I personally like the second one better, I just feel that it better shows how i feel. But then my english teacher said the first one is better.
I don't know.
P.S. this is for the common application.
P.P.S. THANK YOU VERY VERY MUCH!
Updated version:
Throughout my entire life my mom used the same expression to get me to do work: "Las cosas eran distintas cuando yo tenia tu edad". It means "things were different when I was your age," something that always stayed in the back of my mind when I was in school. These words had no meaning to me in my childhood; I always thought she was nagging; yet in reality she was teaching me a vital lesson. When I learned of my family's childhood, I realized how much harder it was for them. That even getting an education was almost impossible. I knew I would have to take everything given to me and make the best of it.
It came as a surprise when my parents decided to visit our family in the Dominican Republic, because we did not have the money. I had not seen many of them since I was a young child, too little to remember their faces or names. Once the tickets where bought, it was as if every family story flew of the shadowy closet that my mom kept safe and sound in her memory. As she told me about her childhood and father, I began to dread the idea that my grandfather would not like me, or that I would not like him. I had heard of his personality through my mother. He was strong, tough, and very traditional. He demanded respect and gave severe punishments to those that did not give it. He loved, but seldom showed it. I was not confident. The days were whizzing by and I would be flying miles to see a family I hadn't seen in years, to meet my grandfather for the first time.
As the plane landed, my stomach filled with tiny ants. My mom was crying and I could not help but feel that twine of light flowing from her heart over us. We were here, finally. I searched, hoping that I would somehow recognize someone, but to no gain. Every face was the face of a stranger; I stuck close to my mom as we walked across the exit. We were all nervous. Then a large group began to shout our way, my mom turned and screeched and then everyone was hugging each other. It was strange and scary and it lasted an hour.
For the weeks that followed, I got to know my entire family, especially my grandfather. My first day helping him on the farm, I had to help him de-feather a chicken. I was scared; I thought somehow the dead chickens would feel the pain or that the chicken's family would come get revenge on me. When I whispered my little secret my grandfather laughed, a wholesome laugh and with a pat on the back told me I was the silliest rabbit he'd ever met. Then he smiled, and showed me how it was done, my first try, I pulled and screamed at the same time. Now some may say that it wasn't an acceptable way to get some quality time with your granddaughter, but I think I learned a lot that day. I helped herd the goats, walk the pig, and feed the baby pigs. I was aching all over by the end, but I learned to let go of my fears. Until then I would run away from goats, scream if a pig got near me, but after one day plucking chickens and such, the fear was gone.
Since that summer, I've visited my family many times and seen my grandfather whenever I can. Ever summer I spend with him and my family I learn more about myself. I learned that I am much more patient than I thought; that I love to experiment and to take risks and adventures. My second summer with my grandfather, I learned of a giant hill somewhere behind his home, and I grabbed a water bottle and camera and headed off, only to discover a giant aqueduct-type system at the top of the hill. It cleaned water, and sent it off to reserves where it would be stored or sent of homes. The water did not come to my grandfather's home, because he lived and still lives in a small wooden hand made house. He built it from the ground up, chopping the wood himself, building the roof. That was more than 30 years ago, and he is still continues to fix it up to this day. He worked hard his whole life, as a farmer. Even at the age of sixty-three, he wakes up before the sun rises, and takes care of his home, farm and family. He's taught me dedication, hard work and perseverance.
I remember him as a quiet old man who told stories of his past. One story I will never forget. When my mom and her siblings where younger, they were extremely poor. When school began, my grandfather bought a pencil and notebook, which he then broke in half. My mom would always get angry because the younger kids would always get the side of the pencil with the eraser. He told me how they would write very small so that the books would last longer and sometimes he couldn't get them more supplies once they ran out.
Meeting my family was one of the greatest things ever to happen to me. My grandfather showed me what my family went through as children. They were poor and lived day-by-day, working and going to school. Sometimes they would not eat because there was not enough for everyone. He worked hard his entire life, looking over more then thirteen kids at one point. His responsibility, determination, and devotion have greatly influenced my person.
After that, I decided that if my parents could overcome the great poverty in which they grew up I could do the same and more. I could follow my dreams. Nothing and no one could stop me. I am intelligent and I have a family that loves me and will support me through it all. There was no doubt left in my mind, I wanted to do what my parents could not do. I wanted to go to college; I wanted to have a future for myself, one that would make me proud. Here was the lesson that my mom had tried to teach me for years: I am someone.
I like them both, though I agree with you that the second one describes you more. The second paragraph is some very good writing.
They came to America and were unable to speak English or find good jobs.
They have striven to give my sisters and me a chance.
My family has taught me many valuable lessons about life; they've also
I've learned to be respectful, patient , honest, and generous.
My parents believed that a persons actions and words portrayed who they were.
These beliefs have been instilled in me as well.
#2
It means, "things were different when I was your age", something that always stayed in the back of my mind when I was in school.
When I learned of my mother's childhood, I realized how much harder it was for her.
That even getting an education was almost impossible.
I knew I would have to take everything given to me and make the best out of it.
As the plane landed, my stomach filled with tiny...oops!
I remember him as quite an old man who told stories of his past.
Thank you very much! thanks for the corrections as well.
I'll work on both for a whiled. and then post them back up with the updated stuff.
I really am lost, I need to cut down my essay.
It can only be 500 words. Right now it's about 600..
To long. Where do I cut back?
I don't know what to do.
aghhh
Meeting my family was one of the greatest things ever to happen to me.
Yeah, not knowing what to cut is a common problem! It's unfortunate when you have to choose some content to kill. It is tough to cut out content in this essay, because almost all of it fits. However, the part about them fighting does not really fit. You could cut that, and cut out half of that long first paragraph. The first paragraph should not be so long... you need to end it quick, so the reader will know what the point is that you are trying to make.
Your essay is moved but the topic is "a person who has had a significant influence..." I think you tell more about your mother instead of your parents.
Have a good time
It's not about my dad, but more about my mom and my grandfather
well, i like the idea of your grandfather being the person who influenced you even though you were intimidated by him to begin with. even so, i thought it started to drag on in the end. so if i were you i would try to cut it down a little and make it more consice. other thatn that, it was good.
here are a few corrections.
Throughout my entire life my mom used the same expression to get me to do work: "Las cosas eran distintas cuando yo tenistenía tu edad".
We were here, finally. I searched, with hopedhoping that I would somehow recognize someone, but to no gain.
I was scared, I thoughthought somehow the dead chickens would feel the pain or that the chickens family would come get revenge on me.
Now some may say that it wasn't an appreciateappreciative way to get some quality time with your granddaughter, but I think I learned a lot that day.
I learned that I am much more patient thenthan I thought, that I love to experiment and to take risks and adventures.
It cleaned water, and sent it off to reserves where it would be stored or sent ofto homes.
That was more then 30 years ag ,than thirty years ago and he is still continues to fix it up to this day.
Even at the age of 63 ,sixty-three he wakes up before the sun rises, and takes care of his home, farm and family.
He worked hard his entire life, looking over more then 13 kidsthirteen children at one point.
After that, I decided that if my parents could overcome the great poverty in which they growgrew up I could do the same and more.
HOPE I WAS USEFUL!!
Thank you for editing! I
ll try to chop it down a bit.
I think that your grandfather is a very inspiring man; however, I feel that the essay was more about what he was than what you have learned.
The influence that he had on your life should be more widespread and you should have anecdotes to back them up, like something that you persevered through because of what you learnt from your grandfather.
I don't really understand what the aquaduct has to do with the story. I think that you can just start off by talking about your grandfather's accomplishments in building his own house.
I also agree that it seems long, I was a little daunted looking at the length when I first started to read.
You picked a great person to do the essay on, but remember that ultimately the colleges want to know about YOU!
Please check out my essays as well!
