Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 15


"The moment in the shallows" MY COMMON APP ESSAY


aona105 7 / 38  
Dec 28, 2010   #1
Hi everyone!
I really need someone to check my essay. This is my common app essay "essay of your topic".
What is very bad is that it's 1372 words!! too long x(
As I said before in other post, I'm a Japanese and as far as I know, no other students in my province apply for a college in America,,, that is why I need your help here. Please, give me any suggestions/criticisms/comments, I really appreciate you.

my question:
1) do I have to change the title? Is it too general?
2) my English teacher told me to erase the red part in order to make the essay shorter. do you think it'll still make sense if I put away it?

Thank you very much!!!

"The moment in the shallows"

It was only a tiny drop of water at first. I looked up at the sky, where other rain drops fell one after another. They were falling on the surface of the water, in which I was standing knee-deep. The beautiful patterns on the surface reminded me of my favorite sekitei - a sand and rock garden which I was impressed by at a temple in Kyoto. I used to hate the rain but, as I watched the changing patterns spreading to the horizon, I realized that I have grown to love it.

Every summer my family and I have gone at the beach. Unlike the normal beaches where tons of tourists enjoy their vacations, the beach we spend time at every year is small but a beautiful local beach in a village with no tourists and no noisy music playing over loudspeakers. It's still a mystery how my parents found it, as it is quite difficult to find this kind of place in Okinawa, an island as a famous sightseeing spot in Japan.

I love so many things about this place. Strolling along the dazzling white beach to look for beautiful shells, chasing Mijyun - an tiny agile blue fish- with my sister under the sea, and sleeping in the dark hearing only the sounds of calm waves. But one of the things I love most is this; to wait until everyone takes a siesta, stealthily going down to the beach with my swimsuit on, and then standing in the middle of the shallows where the cool waves gently lap against my calves. Just standing there with nothing special to do, this is the time I love, to look into both my heart, and at the world.

Every time I stand in the shallows, I recall some fragmented memories, and realize that I can't forget them easily. When I was small, I really hated rain because I was forced to face lots of my bitter memories. I couldn't forget that it was a dark rainy day when my parents left me for one night in a night child care center. I also remember the smell of the sea and rain --- which is the smell of my Grand-pa. He used to take me and my sister to go fishing with him when we were little. I loved him and fishing but I almost cried, because I had to a some notched lugworm on the hook by myself and it tried to bite me with its ugly teeth. As time goes by, however, I've been surprised to realize the fact that things I used to hate have changed as I have changed; now, I feel rather fond of them so that I even can cherish those memories. I've also found that there are some new added memories about rain which make me happy, like the sekitei in Kyoto. However, at the same time, I also find that the things I loved are also not what I believed them to be; growing older, now I know that the beautiful rose will wither and die someday and the dreams I have sometimes don't come true. Life is not so simple, not so easy.

Though, these realizations are not the biggest realization. What I was impressed to find out is that not only in joy but also in the pain that I have experienced, I have discovered the beauty of nature which holds my heart and will never let it go, and that realization taught me the true value of life. It is true that not everything in this world will turn out to be pleasant. Although a part of my heart still cannot avoid feeling sad to see the fading autumn leaves, I now understand that this melancholy makes winter even more beautiful and solemn. What I know now is that life is rich and profound, all the more so, because it has both pain and joy, rainy days and sun-filled ones.

Standing in the shallows also allows me to incite my deep intellectual curiosity. In the middle of the shallow, I can see the world clearly. Every movement and expressions of nature amazes me with the wonder and the mystery of it. It is fabulous to see rain squalls in the distance under the shining sunlight, or to feel a gentle breeze changing into a damp and cold wind. I saw the rain fall form the sky to the ocean and I felt the warm water vapor rise up into the air --- water circulation in act. For the first time, I felt I understood the word I learned from my textbook. This knowledge sank into me as a vivid and fresh revelation. Even though I've already learned it, finding nature's laws in the phenomena by myself is always a great discovery for me. I realized that what I was watching was a piece of the enormous structure of nature. I was standing so close to it that I heard its warm breathing.

I noticed that the wonder of nature was vast as the universe. I don't think I can know everything about it, but why would I give up seeking the wonderful truth that surrounds me and grabs my heart? The fact that there are too many things I still can't understand makes me feel excited, because that simply means there are so many possibilities I have yet to encounter. I just cannot stop loving wanting to explore the world that I've never seen, smelled, or touched.

Although it might be just for an hour, I always return from the shallows to the tent filled with the feelings that I cannot express in words. Happiness, ardor, joy, respect, gratitude --- I feel these things simultaneously. As I slowly get out of the water, I see my blended colorful feelings gradually change into a rosy red passion like the sunset on my back. I now can see the solid will in my mind; I am eager to learn about the world. I want to live, in this wonderful world. Even if I were standing in a forest in Norway, a stream in Vietnam, or a desert in Morocco, I would never forget what nature has told me in these shiny, shallows. "Life is beautiful," it's telling me, "in this unlimited universe and your unlimited future."
rosaliana - / 6  
Dec 28, 2010   #2
The essay is too detailed and it gets off topic a little. try to focus on your thesis. :) :)
Jenelizjp 3 / 8  
Dec 29, 2010   #3
Your imagery, for one, is absolutely beautiful. I feel like I'm right there in the rain and you're telling me this story. I especially love the first and last paragraph, but I agree with rosaliana - you need to focus what you're saying!

I would read through the middle paragraphs and choose one or two favourite sentences from each...the ones that really express what you're trying to say (your appreciation of nature and the vastness of possibilities in your life). Then take those favourite lines and put them into one or two paragraphs that transition from your opening, on the beach in the rain, to your conclusion, where you realize the beauty of your life.

Once you condense the essay I would love to read it and give some corrections on grammar, though your writing is fantastic for English being your second language (I'm assuming) :)

All in all, beautiful work - just take out the lines you don't LOVE!
DARU03 3 / 5  
Dec 29, 2010   #4
Agree with rosalina.

It has a lot of good points in it, but needlessly detailed.
Try to shorten the essay & try to find thesis/focus
issallme5 2 / 35  
Dec 29, 2010   #5
Your essay is pretty long :) I think you definitely write well and have great descriptions. But maybe you should jot down what you want the colleges to know about you, like what qualities, and try to focus on those. It's just that sometimes you seem too into the details that it kind of diverts from your main idea. Just my personal thought :) hope this helps.
OP aona105 7 / 38  
Dec 30, 2010   #6
Hi, everyone!!
Thank you so much for your honest and great comments!!
As you know now, I'm really bad at shorten my essay x( but I tried, this is the new version.
I just cut 2 paragraphs and it's 1072 words now. Is it still too long? What is the ideal length???
My dad told me that I had to write about "sekitei" again after the first paragraph to make some connection,,,, otherwise, it had no mean in this essay. What do you think?

I need your help again, I need to complete my essay till tomorrow !!!!
Any comments/suggestions/criticisms are welcome !!!!
Thank you so much :)
OP aona105 7 / 38  
Dec 30, 2010   #7
Please...!! any comments are welcome !!!!

I need to finish it today X( do you think I should decrease the number of the paragraphs ??
is it Ok to hand in this essay???

Thank you so much :)
OP aona105 7 / 38  
Dec 30, 2010   #8
This is the new version! it's 1069 words. not so changed though,,,
Would you please someone do last check for me? I think I'll hand in this one but I'm worry about my grammar X( I really appreciate you!!!
peachyreese 2 / 9  
Dec 30, 2010   #9
Wow your imagery is beautiful and your thoughts completely connect to them.

You should cut this part out, or simplify it to a sentence:
Every summer my family and I have gone at the beach. Unlike the normal beaches where tons of tourists enjoy their vacations, the beach we spend time at every year is small but a beautiful local beach in a village with no tourists and no noisy music playing over loudspeakers. It's still a mystery how my parents found it, as it is quite difficult to find this kind of place in Okinawa, an island as a famous sightseeing spot in Japan.
OP aona105 7 / 38  
Dec 30, 2010   #10
Thank you so much peachyreese !!

yeah, you're right! I tried to shorten that part :)

Every summer my family enjoy our annual camping at the small local beach. There are so many things I love about this camp. Strolling along the dazzling white beach to look for beautiful shells, chasing Mijyun ....

Are these sentences make sense? Is my grammar OK ???

any comments welcome !!!

Thank you :)
ukkuma 3 / 40  
Dec 30, 2010   #11
Every summer my family and I enjoy our annual camping at the small local beach. There are so many things I love about this camp. Strolling along the dazzling white beach to look for beautiful shells, chasing Mijyun ....

I love the imagery! I really think it would be great if you could cut your essay down to 3-digits, but the opening paragraph is intriguing, so you could probably still have your readers hooked despite the length. Man I wish I had written like that. The AO is so not getting an aesthetic Japanese response from me... :(

Do you mind reading my short essay for the common app? I'd really appreciate it!
OP aona105 7 / 38  
Dec 31, 2010   #12
Thx for your comment&check !!
3-digits...! I hope I can shorten my essay more if I have time:) I'll try ^^
it's 1026 words now, so I think it's not impossible.
I just fix them, is it Ok? or as a whole, did you find any grammar mistakes??

Every summer my family and I enjoy our annual camping at the small local beach. Unlike other beaches in Okinawa which is famous as a sightseeing spot in Japan, there're no tourists or noisy music in this beach. There are so many things I love about this camp.

oh sure thing! I'll look it up yours :]
OP aona105 7 / 38  
Dec 31, 2010   #13
I'm gonna complete my essay soon !

Please, any last grammar mistake checks or suggestions are welcome !!!! :)

I'm a bit worry about the last paragraph... I used present form, but is it ok?
Are there any mistake about sequence of tenses ??

Thank you so much !!! :) :)
ukkuma 3 / 40  
Dec 31, 2010   #14
Every summer my family and I enjoy our annual camping at the small local beach. Unlike other beaches in Okinawa which are famous as a sightseeing spot in Japan, there are no tourists or noisy music on this beach. There are so many things I love about this camp.

I saw the rain fall from the sky to the ocean and I felt the warm water vapor rise up into the air --- water circulation in act.

Thanks earlier! I don't find anything unnatural with the tense, it looks fine.
I believe you're ready. ^^
OP aona105 7 / 38  
Dec 31, 2010   #15
thanks so much every one!!!!!!!

I just finished my common app successfully, thanks to every one's help :D
I really really appreciate you ><

best wishes to you !!!!!!!!!!!

hope all of us get in ^-^

have a nice holiday !!!


Home / Undergraduate / "The moment in the shallows" MY COMMON APP ESSAY
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳