Not everyone can say that they have been through the things that I have. Having a mother addicted to prescription drugs is not an easy thing to tell people nor to write about. I have the many images of my mother passed out on the couch engraved in my memory. From a very early age I had to take care of myself and my younger brother. When I was 5 I remember hearing my younger brother crying in his crib. I went to my mother's room trying to wake her up and tell her that Stefan was crying, with a "deal with it Hannah" she was rolled over and soon sleeping again. I grabbed a stool from the kitchen brought it to the edge of my brothers crib, let the side of the crib down and got him out. It was easy to figure out the reason for his constant wails, his diaper was overflowing. Within 5 minutes I had him cleaned up and ready for bed again. "Mommy" Stefan whimpered and I told him she was busy and that he would see her in the morning, with a tiny kiss on the cheek I put him back in his crib and crawled into my bed. This story is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the things I had to do to make sure my brother and I were taken care of. Don't get me wrong my mother was very loving the only down fall was this dieses called "addiction" that controlled her life.
All the things that I have been through in my life have made me who I am today. In a way I thank my mother for the way she made me grow up faster then I should have, she made me the independent and self motivated woman that I am today. Independent is what I am, plain and simple. I don't rely on other people for anything; if I need something done then I do it, not try and push it off on someone else. Independence is very important when it comes to the academic world being able to do assignments and to find out things on one's own is one of the many qualities of a good student. I am also very self motivated, there wasn't really anyone to motivate me when it came to school except for an occasional "got any homework?" It would have been very easy for me to just toss my school work to the side and play outside every day after school. But I always made sure that I had my school work done and ready for the next day. Ever since I can remember I have always wanted to be successful and achieve something that my mother never could. I will never become a stereotype no matter what life throws at me I will be ready. I may falter a little but I will never fall.
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
that was the prompt! thanks for any help
I have the many images of my mother passed out on the couch engraved in my memory. ----> erase the word 'the'
I went to my mother's room trying to wake her up and tell her that Stefan was crying, "deal with it Hannah" she was rolled over and soon sleeping again. ----> change to: I went up to my mother's room trying to wake her up, to explain that Stefan was crying, but all i got was a "deal with it Hannah" as she rolled over and lulled herself back to sleep.
Don't use common phrases like "tip of the iceberg" in essays. It sounds trite.
Overall, pretty good! But i wold give more examples and go deeper into detail... really fluff it up!
Those are some ideas of mine
When I was 5 I remember =>I remember when I was five, I heard my..
kitchen brought it to=> kitchen and brought...
let the side of =>pulled the side..or pushed
Don't get me wrong; my mother...
she made me the independent=>she made me to live independently or keep same sentence, ommit "the"
Be careful of this runaway sentence:
Don't get me wrong my mother was very loving; the only downfall was this disease called "addiction" that controlled her life. --I like Kathy's suggestion to fix it with a semi-colon.
I like your ending a lot. Weirdly, though, when you say you will not be a stereotype, what comes to mind for me is that it is a little stereotypical that you are focusing this essay on the mother's pill problem. It is sort of a stereotype to be the kid who is fixated on the parent's shortcoming and on the notion of having been forced to grow up too quickly. So, I want to make a suggestion:
This is supposed to be a narrative, so tell a story. Make it a story that shows how committed you are to psychology or whatever field you want to enter... whatever major you want at U of F. Tell a story that shows the teenage years of this person entering this field to make a big difference in the world.
What might a story be like if it is about the childhood of Clarissa Pinkola Estes? What might it be like if it is a story from your childhood? Tell the story, and make mom's pill problem only a tiny, tiny detail that you mention in passing. Make the story about YOU and what you represent as an aspiring psychologist. (or whatever you aspire to be)
:-)
