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"Money" - UC Prompt #1


sofiaz 2 / 4  
Nov 22, 2009   #1
Prompt #1: Describe the world you come from----for example, your family, community or school----and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Born in a poor family, both of my parents have to work very hard in order to cover the daily spending. Thus, they are very frugal most of the time such as not wasting food, growing their own vegetables and not spending prodigally. They want to let me know that luxury is not a very important part of our life. Also, they taught me not to squander. When I decide to buy something, I should decide whether it is something I need or something I want. They believe I should work hard or do something in order to earn it. Under their influence, I have learned not to splurge and spend money extravagantly, because I understood that money management is a very important factor in order to become successful. Moreover, I also understand that there is no "free-lunch" in the world. Everything that I want, I had to work hard to get.

However, situation did not get any better; on the other hand, it was getting worse as the economic crisis strike the world economy last year. Not only the people who buy stock were being affected, but also their employees, because they have to lay off people and cut down hours in order to maintain their business. Both of my parents were victims affected by this phenomenon, and my family has to go through a hard time since we are still paying off our mortgage loan, car loan, and my brother's college tuition. My family went through a tough time before my mother finally found another job.

While going through this hardship, I realized sometimes no matter how hard one works, or how much one tries to stay away from gambling, or stock purchasing, there is always some factor in his or her life that is uncontrollable that may lead one to the same outcome. But one thing he or she can control is education. The more knowledge one has, the more skills he or she has, the more jobs that are available for him or her. This does not only allow him or her to gain prosperity but also allows a better chance of getting rehire again after tough times. Thus, as my goal in my life, I want to prepare myself better and become a professional in pharmacology and nutrition which I have more chances than others if any circumstances like this ever happen again. Furthermore, I am able to use this knowledge to take a better care of my family which had been supporting me selflessly since I was born. And one way to get this knowledge is by pursuing and completing a college degree. The economic crisis might give my family a hard time; yet, it let me realize the importance of education, and help me find my target for the future.

Word Count: 467

Can anyone please me correct my grammar, sentence structure, anything you think sounds werid?
Also, can you give me some comments on it, what should I add or delete?
You don't have to do all of the above, either one will help me a lot!
Thanks for your help!
nakulisbrown 2 / 2  
Nov 22, 2009   #2
Born in a poor family, both of my parents have to work very hard in order to cover the daily spending. Thus, they are very frugal most of the time such as not wasting food, growing their own vegetables and not spending prodigally. They want to let me know that luxury is not a very important part of our life.

I think your tenses are kinda messed up; born is past, work is present. You said "very" a few times, which you could vary.

Also, they taught me not to squander. When I decide to buy something, I should decide whether it is something I need or something I want.

"Also, they taught me not to squander" is an awkward sentence - you could combine it with the next to make "They also taught me never to squander - to be sure that I truly need anything I choose to buy."

They believe I should work hard or do something in order to earn it. Under their influence, I have learned not to splurge and spend money extravagantly, because I understood that money management is a very important factor in order to become successful. Moreover, I also understand that there is no "free-lunch" in the world. Everything that I want, I had to work hard to get.

"Do something" is very general, you could cut it down to just "work hard."
Maybe change "under their influence" to "under their guidance" or something?

Hope this helped a little :)


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