Prompt 1. Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
(318 words)
I am of the first generation of my family to be born and to grow up in America. My parents had problems adjusting to this new life style and struggled to get by. I have always envied the "privileged" children when I was growing up. So growing up in an underprivileged household has made me want to expand my horizons that have been bound by the realm of poverty.
My parents did not have enough money to get me a tutor when I needed help in school when I was young. Fortunately, one day in an afterschool program a man named Dr. Liu introduced himself as the new program instructor. I told him of my problem and he told me that he was sorry that my family could not afford to support me and that he was also in the same situation as I when he was younger. He told me that he had a teacher that changed his life because the teacher genuinely cared about his well-being. That was when Dr. Liu knew that he would want to be like this teacher when he was older. He wanted change the lives of other people by giving them hope and love.
After telling me his story, Dr. Liu devoted much of his time helping me with my work. He made sure that I understood the material before he would move on to the next topic. I admired him because he tried very hard to make things easier for me. I would not have had any improvements without Dr. Liu's devotion to helping me.
Just as Dr. Liu was changed by his teacher, I was changed by Dr. Liu. I strive to be like Dr. Liu and his teacher. I want to influence people the way Dr. Liu has influenced mine. I want to carry on the torch of devotion and hope that Dr. Liu's teacher bestowed to him.
Prompt 2. Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
(682 words)
I could see the light glimmering on the surface of the swaying water at the bottom of the community pool. I was drowning and there was nothing I could do. I had just started learning to swim, and I naively believed that I could conquer the deep end of the pool. What a horrible mistake that was. But, continuing to learn to swim after nearly drowning has made me strong and devoted.
I would imagine that most people, who go through a traumatizing experience, would whimper away at the challenge of facing their fears head on. I was one of those people. I entered the community pool building with an uneasy feeling in my stomach and approached my swimming instructor. He was instructing older, fit young men to swim practice laps in the deep end. I saw one boy swim as if he were gliding on the surface of the water like a boat. He was able to cover much distance and swim fast, yet use only a few powerful strokes. His movements were beautiful; I wanted to be just like him. The instructor took me to the shallow end and taught me the basics of swimming. To float, I would take a deep breath and lay on either my back or belly on the surface of the water. To swim with proper strokes and kicking techniques, I would float and hold the walls at the same time. I would then kick with all my might and stroke through the water in a circular motion with one arm while the other arm held onto the wall. I practiced these movements every weekend for months until my instructor told me I was ready to advance onto an intermediate level of instruction.
The instructor led me to the deep end of the pool where all the fit boys swam. All the boys looked so intense and exhausted from swimming laps. They drank from their bottles and rested their heads on their arms until they had to start the lap again. This was the first time I was back at the deep end since my incident. I was not worried about being intense and exhausted, just yet. I was more worried about whether or not I had ability to swim without sinking. I climbed into the pool grasping the wall with much force. The instructor told me to do what I routinely practiced for months to the other side, but this time without holding the wall. I looked at the other side of the pool and screamed a little inside, thinking how far it was. But I had a minor epiphany; if I could not make it to the wall I could just float on my back and wait for the lifeguard to save me. At that moment, I pushed off the wall and swam; kicking and pulling the water with fearful, yet monstrous strokes. I realized that I exhausted most of my energy by the last stretch of the swim. I remember thinking to myself it would be a lot easier if I just flipped on my back and screamed for help. But I knew if I did that I would look like a fool since I already finished most of the swim. So, I pushed through the pain and exhaustion for a couple more seconds and made it to the wall. Although my strokes and technique were obviously at a novice level, I was proud to make it to the other side of the wall without much of a problem. After months of the practicing my techniques and lap swimming I developed a fit and strong body; a token of my hard work.
I am proud that I was able to confront my fears and ultimately win the battle. And surely, there will be more challenges in my life that will make me want to wither and give up. But I will remember that I have succeeded in tough situations before. Thus, I will never be caught giving up without a fight. I will strive to complete the swim that is the challenge of life.
I am of the first generation of my family to be born and to grow up in America. My parents had problems adjusting to this new life style [lifestyle] and struggled to get by. I have always envied the "privileged" children when I was growing up. So growing up in an underprivileged household has made me want to expand my horizons that have been bound by the realm of poverty.
My parents did not have enough money to get me a tutor when I needed help in schoolwhen I was young.
It is redundant here, it should be implied.
Just as Dr. Liu was changed by his teacher, I was changed by Dr. Liu. I strive to be like Dr. Liu and his teacher. I want to influence people the way Dr. Liu has influenced mine. I want to carry on the torch of devotion and hope that Dr. Liu's teacher bestowed to him.
In this last paragraph you used Dr. Liu too many times. Try changing it up and using pronouns instead.
I think your stories are very convincing and powerful. Both of them make use of stylistic descriptions. To be honest I don't really know what this essay is for, i.e. what is uc prompt? Perhaps you could explain this first, for me to further comment on it.
thank you for the feedbackandedit. Sorry I wasnt Specific enough, these essays are for my personal statement thatis apart of the process of applying to any UCs. I provided the two
Prompts for you to refernce and to judge if I answered them correctly. (using my phone so sorry for the bad format n grMmer)
One word: lifestyle
I want to carry on the torch of devotion and hope that Dr. Liu's teacher bestowed to him.----This first essay is beautiful! If you want to improve it, you should use a memorable term at the end of the first paragraph and then again in the conclusion paragraph... that way you can connect the beginning to the end.Right now the theme of the first paragraph (poverty) is different from the theme of the last (the torch of devotion and generosity.) So... make a connection between them.
To float, I would take a deep breath and lay on either my back or belly on the surface of the water. ---I was going to tell you that this detail is unnecessary, but you have such a nice way of writing that it becomes a great part of the essay! I think you should keep it.
screamed a little inside, ----hahaha, very good writing here
...strive to complete the swim that is the challenge of life. -----nice job, but at the beginning of the essay it seems like you menat you had been floating to the bottom of the pool. Did you sink, or did you stay above water? At the end, I am not sure what happened.
But anyway, this is a great, impressive essay. Both are.
