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"Mongolian Red Cross Youth" - Extracuricular activity /volunteer works/


binderya92 2 / 5  
Dec 14, 2010   #1
Question:briefly elaborate one of yout extra curricular activities...?

5 years ago,I decided to become a member of Mongolian Red Cross Youth by receiving offer from a nice gentleman. It was BIG challenge that changed my previous stereo-type life, in which I had no ability to concern for any other things than lesson.

Although I was considered as the best student in my class and school,I realized that there were so many people who had far more practical skills and innovative ideas than I did when entering into new community.Therefore,I started making efforts to improve myself.

Until now,I have not only participated but also organized by myself lots of volunteer and humanitarian activities. The more I joined, the stronger I obsessed into.

As a result, I have gained great amount of respect from my family members, friends, teachers, and schoolmates.I'm sure all "lessons" learned from this experience will be fruity in the future.

I'm international applicant and I need some help.this short essay is too simple or something? And give me the feedback including aptitude revision, please...

wtangalang - / 14 1  
Dec 14, 2010   #2
Hi, i understand you are an international applicant, so it was more difficult for you since English may not be your first language. Great job on the essay. Here are a few pointers.

5 Five years ago,I decided to become a member of Mongolian Red Cross Youth by receiving offer from a nice gentleman <- unnecessary detail. It was BIG <- choose another adjective. perhaps huge? impactful? challenge that changed my previous stereo-type (typical) life, in which I had no ability to concern for any other things than lesson. <- perhaps delete this sentence as a whole.

Although I was considered as the best student in my class and school,I realized that there were so many people who had far more practical skills and innovative ideas than I did when entering into new community.Therefore,I started making efforts to improve myself.

Until now,I have not only participated but also organized by myself lots of volunteer and humanitarian activities.<- specify! they want details about your extracurriculars The more I joined, the stronger I obsessedenjoyed it?into .

As a result, I have gained great amount of respect from my family members, friends, teachers, and schoolmates.I'm sure all "lessons" learned from this experience will be fruityword choice! try useful/applicable. in the future.

I believe they want the essay to be approx. 150 words.
OP binderya92 2 / 5  
Dec 14, 2010   #3
Thank you so much for your revision.I thought maybe I should rewrite it again more creatively and more actively
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 24, 2010   #4
Wen Tang did a great edit!
I suggest adding some sentences that express to the reader that you want to contribute to a particular field. What professional field do you want to enter? The way you explain your extracurricular activities should include some comments about what it does to prepare you for your future as you envision it. So, talk about this activity as part of a larger plan that will take you into your chosen field. :-)


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