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Mono, and Diversity. (Boulder Essays)

kevin12345 3 / 5  
Oct 23, 2011   #1
Here's the first Boulder essay A

Since the very first days of kindergarten I have been told to be inclusive by almost every authority figure in my life. Whether it is a game of four square at recess or a group project the underlying theme has always been inclusion. Now that I am through most of my high school career I have met many interesting characters, especially from the theater and music world and I am confident in saying that I have been very open to those who aren't considered "normal" or "cool" in high school.

Regarding my contribution to the diversity of Boulder I have a deep interest in all the fields of biology as well as a strong passion for music and performing. In addition to school choir and musicals I performed for elementary students, convalescent hospitals, charity fundraising events, and even our local competition Orinda Idol. I am currently the vice president of my school's a cappella club with which we raise money for a dear classmate of mine who has suffered a terrible and unfortunate accident and is now in a coma. I hope to fully participate in the student culture of performing arts at the university with students and for the community. Visiting the beautiful campus at Boulder, I felt that the school and community provided a comfortable environment for me to pursue my academic interests and to foster my musical creativity.

And heres Essay B i chose the 3rd prompt about a obstacle i've overcome

Early in my sophomore year I was diagnosed with a severe case of mono followed by repeated cases of tonsillitis culminating in a tonsillectomy, the result being a massive amount of absences. I cannot recall ever feeling so mirthless. On top of the extreme exhaustion and persistence of my illness my absences brought weeks of schoolwork to make up and resulted in entire units missed leaving me frustrated and discouraged. When I was sick I was in agony and when I was "healthy" my school worked buried me. Every day became a struggle and I was tired of fighting. I reached for the strength within myself to keep going, past physical and mental exhaustion until finally that last bell rang and I was finished. Despite my diminished state I maintained a 3.5 GPA, participated in the concert choir, the spring musical and I received a silver award "Maxima Cum Laude" for my score on the National Latin Exam. I realize that many others have faced far more daunting challenges but this personal victory taught me the strength of perseverance and helped me realize the true power of will.

Any comments will be appreciated, thanks.
artiQlate 3 / 8  
Oct 23, 2011   #2
Both your essays are cool in terms of the substance, and - with a few additions - i think they would really make you stand out in a crowd of applications.

All i can suggest are a few intro and conclusion sentences, just to make the essays a little more cohesive.
For example you could start your essay B with something like "Everyone faces adversity in their lives, and achievements lies in how one faces this adversity."

Just a thought. :)

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