Prompt: Please write a brief essay about the person, place, or event that has had the greatest influence on your life; and what influence you expect Morehouse College to have on your life.
It may sound cliche' but my father has been the greatest influence on my life. Without him i honestly don't know where i would be, and i most certainly would have not achieved as much as i have. You see, my father is not an ideal father figure. In fact, he very seldom behaves as a parent should. I wish i could write an essay about my "perfect father" who has pushed me to be all that i could be, and has helped me reach my full potential but that would be a lie; Unfortunately my father was the antithesis of this image. Although my father was an abuser of drugs he has had the greatest influence on all aspects of my life. I once lived in my own world of isolation and separation, it was very difficult for me to acclimate myself into the mainstream until i came to the realization that, that was the same way in which my father carried himself. I knew then that i had to do everything he didn't in order to achieve what he hasn't. I never fully understood the pedagogical effects of actions exhibited by the parents until i began to observe him, I was transitioning into him. Because of my father i now know what type of man never to become and what activities never to take part in. The main source of my drive and determination is derived from the absence of my father and my longing to become the antithesis of him. He has never provided for me but has tutored me vicariously through his actions. I am courageous, knowledgeable, and a benevolent leader, but I'm broken. Since moving to Georgia I have transformed drastically and have since broken the mold of which I once was but now I'm looking to be rebuilt. I know my name and my specific characteristics but what type of man am I? I expect Morehouse College to help me grow as well as change my outlook on many different things. Hopefully Morehouse will transform me into a "Morehouse Man", change my ideas on what i want my mark to be in this world, and help me evaluate me and the people i surround myself with. Life is all about progression, this (Morehouse) transformation will help me progress as well as help me to better myself.
(PLEASE MAKE CORRECTIONS WHERE NEEDED AND GIVE ME YOUR HONEST OPINIONS) THANKS. . .
Your response is well written and really stands out.
I might change the beginning because it sounds like your about to talk about the generic reasons why a father would be influential, when your experience is anything but.
Other than that you are very eloquent and detailed about why Morehouse would be a good fit.
I hope this is helpful!
With the exception of the beginning do you thinks it's good enough Ex: grammatically and content ?
virginia.edu/undergradadmission/writingtheessay.html
This website may help a lot.
It seems to be that your essay, although it sounds very good, is cliche.
according to this site.
But none of the less, leaving aside having read the site, it is good, but maybe restructuring the words bit.
Hi Stooks, I share ccollins's opinion, you made your point, but don't forget the essays have a specific structure: introduction, body and conclusion, try to organize it that order, this way your ideas will be represented in a more clear and logical manner and make a paragraph for each one.
I am myself a rookie, currently in the process of learning about essays and this one tip has helped me significantly and reading others essays has given me better ideas.
Since you said it I allowed myself to make some suggestions on your essay. For what you say; looks like you are a college guy then try to use the vocabulary and synonyms to make the phrase sound just good with the same meaning; let's put it this way; how you would say it as a teacher not as a student. Hope this helps you.
It might sound like cliché (It may sound cliché') but my father has been the greatest influence on my life. Without him i honestly don't know where i would be, and i most certainly would have not achieved as much as i have. Indeed (You see), my father is not an ideal father figure, on the contrary (In fact), he very seldom behaves as a parent should. I wish i could write an essay about the (my) "perfect father" who has encouraged ("pushed " it sounds like he is forcing you) me to be all that i could be, and has helped me reach my full potential, but that would be a lie; Unfortunately my father was the antithesis of this image. Although my father was a drug addict (an abuser of drugs) he has had the greatest influence on all aspects of my life. I once lived in my own world of isolation and separation, it was very difficult for me to acclimate myself into the mainstream until I realized it (i came to the realization that), I was following the same path as my father (that was the same way in which my father carried himself). That's when I knew I had to do everything in order to achieve what he couldn't (I knew then that i had to do everything he didn't in order to achieve what he hasn't). I never fully understood the pedagogical effects of actions exhibited by the parents until i began to observe him, I was transitioning into him .
Thanks to ("Because of" remember you are making a reference, not giving an excuse) my father now I (i now) know what kind of person I should become (type of man never to become), and the (what) activities in which I should never get involved (never to take part in). The main causes of my behavior ("source of my drive" remember in this case behavior is an act which is originated from causes not from sources) and determination are (derived from) the absence of my father and my own desire (longing) to become the antithesis of him. He has never been by my side, but I have been vicariously influenced (provided for me but has tutored me vicariously) through his actions. I am courageous, remarkable (knowledgeable), and a benevolent person ("leader" I suggest you change this word since you're not going to justify its meaning and you are still talking about your situation), but I'm "broken" (I suggest you to try looking for a different phrase to emphasize your condition cause it sounds a little vague). Since I moved (moving) to Georgia I have changed (transformed) drastically and broken the image of what I was before (and have since broken the mold of which I once was); but now I'm looking forward to rebuilt it. I know my name and my specific characteristics but what kind (type) of person (man) am I? I expect the Morehouse College to help me grow and (as well as) change my outlook in many different things. Hopefully Morehouse will transform me into a "Morehouse Man", help me clarify (change) my idea on what i want my mark to be in this world, and help me revaluate myself (me) and the people in my surroundings or surrounding me (i surround myself with). Life is all about progress (ion), this Morehouse transformation will help me in my own progress and to improve (as well as help me to better) myself.
Thank you, your comments are greatly appreciated.
I think the essay should begin here:
It may sound cliche' but my father has been the greatest influence on my life. Without him i honestly don't know where i would be, and i most certainly would have not achieved as much as i have. You see, m My father is not an ideal father figure. In fact, he very seldom behaves as a parent should. I wish I could write an essay about my "perfect father" who has pushed me to be all that i could be, and has helped me reach my full potential but that would ...---That is an intriguing introduction!!!
I'm sorry I did not help in time for the deadline, but here is a quick lesson:
I never fully understood the pedagogical effects of actions exhibited by the parents until i I began to observe him, I was transitioning into him.--You know you should capitalize the "I" right?
I'll add a period and change a word:
I never fully understood the pedagogical effects of actions exhibited by the parents until I began to observe him. I was transitioning transforming into him.
:-)
