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"I can't, I'm Mormon" - extracurricular activities


afwebb 6 / 17  
Dec 28, 2010   #1
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum).

Here's what I have come up with so far. I don't think I was able to provide enough details/examples, but it is currently 168 words.

I once read a t-shirt which read "I can't, I'm Mormon". I laughed as I read, thinking they couldn't be further from the truth. I may never see an r-rated movie and my Sundays and much of my free time may be consumed, but because of my being a Mormon I am now able to water-ski, speak in public, prepare a speech of the cuff, sing (well, to an extent), play the cello, and lead a group of my peers. Religion may not seem like an "extracurricular activity", but my church has allowed me to participate in more activities and volunteer work than if I were to join every club my high school has to offer. I doubt I would be able to do any of these things were it not for my church. Not only has being a Mormon expanded my opportunities to try new things and serve others, it has made me realize how much I can learn and do if I am willing to try.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated particularly regarding the topic and ways i can shorten it a little.
mrrunningforfun 2 / 5  
Dec 28, 2010   #2
I may never see an r-rated movie and my Sundays and much of my free time may be consumed, but because of my being a Mormon I am now able to water-ski, speak in public, prepare a speech of the cuff, sing (well, to an extent), play the cello, and lead a group of my peers.

Religion may not seem like an "extracurricular activity", but my church has allowed me to participate in more activities and volunteer work than if I were to join every club my high school has to offer.

Here are just a couple of suggestions to cut down on the word count. I think you have an adequate number of details/examples. BTW:Topic is great.

Good Luck!
chunf 5 / 26  
Dec 28, 2010   #3
I once read a t-shirt which reads "I can't, I'm Mormon".
I may never see a r-rated movie and my Sundays and much of my free time may be consumed.But because of being a Mormon I am now able to water-ski, speak in public, prepare a speech of the cuff, sing (well, to an extent), play the cello, and lead a group of my peers.

I doubt I would be able to do any of these things were it not for my church. <<< this sentence sounds a little bit weird maybe you should rebuild it?
ailibai 8 / 21  
Dec 28, 2010   #4
I'm not sure about changing "read" to "reads." The first verb is in the past tense, so I think it would make sense to keep the tense consistent. Also, if you read it out loud, an R-rated movie sounds much better. I may be wrong on both of these things, it's just what I think sounds right? Make sure you capitalize the "r" in "R-rated."
rayban11 7 / 24  
Dec 28, 2010   #5
prepare a speech of the cuff

shouldn't it be "off the cuff" instead of "of the cuff"

overall, i like the idea of the essay. i think it's pretty original. i like the introduction. i must say i was a little skeptical when i first saw the title of your post, but i actually liked the essay after i read the whole thing. good job!
kagayaku 1 / 5  
Dec 29, 2010   #6
Let me start by saying that this is a great topic and a great essay! (By the way, I'm mormon too)

"because I am Mormon I am able to" you could change I am to I'm. It might sound a bit more natural.

You might want to clarify by saying "because I am mormon, I've had the chance to water-ski, etc..."

Good to you wherever you choose to go. If you have time come and give my common app essay a quick read. Thanks!


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