"My Morning Jacket and my voice" (Essays for USC)

I've written an essay for two different USC prompts. I can't choose which essay to use. I feel like the first essay is a little too typical but the second essay a little too extreme and aggressive. Both are very sincere essays, however.

#2 Visions and Voices is a university-wide arts and humanities initiative that seeks to transform students' perspectives through presentations and performances by top artists, writers and scholars. Tell us about a creative project, performance or other work of yours and how it reflects your vision or voice.

Music is the literature of the 21st century. Music is an art form in the same way that poetry and literature is. Most poetry is well-crafted; they overwhelm the reader with imagery, are personally significant to the author and usually provide insight into the author's society or feelings. Ultimately, good literature and poetry provides the reader with a meaningful and vicarious experience. Why should music be any different?

"I'm amazed at the TV stations; I'm amazed what they want me to believe"

I performed the song "I'm Amazed", a social critique by My Morning Jacket at a charity fundraiser concert at my school in October. I believe people should be judged on their effort and integrity. This performance demonstrated my admiration for sincerity and authenticity, showed my disdain of conformity and illustrated my desire to improve and refine culture in society.

While many other performers at the concert opted for more "popular" music in the vein of hip hop and pop music, I decided to cover an independent, relatively unknown but very conscientious band. Why? The band I covered is a band with integrity that makes the most out of what they have and adhere to their values. They are down-to-earth and keep their egos in check; Patrick Hallahan said in an interview that he liked playing small venues because it allowed the audience to come up on stage and talk to them like "normal guys". They play music not for the money, but because they truly love doing it. These are qualities I share with them; although I knew that the audience at my concert would have little appreciation for the music I played, I continued because it is weak to conform to society when you don't agree with its conventions.

I believe in introducing new music to the masses, which is why I decided to perform "I'm Amazed". As artists who shape the future, it is our responsibility to put culture on the fast lane. I will give pop artists respect where they are due, but I'm sure most can admit that the level of artistic integrity in popular music today is on the decline. I'm not talking about a minor egotistical aside every now and then, I'm talking about "musicians" who approach music as if they suffer from attention deficit disorder; their lyrics are so incoherent it's difficult to believe they actually put more than an ounce of effort in making their music representative of their vision. The music industry is slowly spiraling into a cesspit of vanity, where more effort seems to be poured into promoting the artist's image and securing a place on the Billboard Top 100 than into writing and composing the music. To support this, Jim James said in an interview that he was frustrated about how the media focused so much on My Morning Jacket's image when they started out and probably "didn't listen to the records"; they only drooled over their image of "long hair rockers from Kentucky". Many albums are no longer the concept albums of times ago, but rather an amalgamation of randomly selected songs. The advent of technology and AutoTune has removed all authenticity in music.

By covering songs of an independent artist, I demonstrated my belief that "artistic pinnacle", so to speak, is not impossible to reach. No, you do not have to sell a million records to prove that you are an artist. Likewise, who we are is not what car we drive, how many houses we own and how much money we have. To be a true artist, you must be well-versed with culture. You must have a vision that you want to share with the world. Jim James admired Bob Dylan and Neil Young because "they had something to say" and that made them respectable musicians. This reflects my belief that authenticity and sincerity command more respect from society than fame and financial success.

Who knows? Maybe today's pop music will pass its puberty and mature into something more meaningful in the same way that the Beach Boys' Brian Wilson realized the shallowness of the surf rock about cars, girls and Southern California, and progressed into the much more thought-out records like "Pet Sounds" and the melancholic and touching "'Til I Die" in 1971. Although my performance had no effect on the musical culture in my school, it was a firm stand for my beliefs and my voice.

_____

Thanks!

I would just like some feedback about the content of the essays, in case anyone is intimidated by the length of these essays.

first essay:

"Sure, you can stay holed up in your dormitory like a hermit, studying nine-to-five to achieve the best grade you can, why not?"

This phrase seems a bit too colloquial compared to the rest of the essay. Also, perhaps you could change the "you" to "I", to make it more personal ("one" can also work).

"I could keep re-drafting and re-drafting this essay and be the perfectionist I used to be, staring at the page in doubt for days."

I'm not sure if this really adds anything to the essay.

second essay:

"and usually provide insight into the author's society or feelings."
I think it'd be stronger to just get rid of the "usually".

"Ultimately, good literature and poetry provides "

"relatively unknown but very conscientious band. Why? The band I covered is a band withhas integrity that makes the most out of what it hasthey have and adhers e to theirits values."

"Band" is singular. There are a few other areas where you switch from "band" to "their" other than where I've just indicated. You could also make adjustments by changing "band" to "band members".

"I continued because it is weak to conform to society when you don't agree with its conventions."
Kinda black and white. You could say this in a much more reasonable way.

"introducing new music to the masses"
Be wary of calling people "the masses". It'd be safer to use "people" or "individuals" or another alternative.

"put culture on the fast lane." What do you mean by fast lane?

"I will give pop artists respect where they are due"
Change to: "I will give pop artists respect when it is due"

Your third to last paragraph is very harsh and again, black and white. I'm sure that you could say all those things in a much less extreme tone. I liked your second essay a lot up until I reach that paragraph. I think that if you tempered your statements, your second essay could be very interesting.

Your first essay is nice, but as you mentioned, it is a much written about subject. I think if you have the time, you should alter your second essay and use that - it sets you apart more, I think.

Thank you very much for looking at my Green Squash short essay. Would you be willing to take a look at my personal statement? I've had it up for a little while, and it seems that no one is inclined to comment on it :P It just makes me anxious, because I wonder whether it's because no one likes it, haha. Thank you!

Will do!

BTW I knew someone would find my second essay too extreme. It's how I truly feel about the music industry but I've been a little too open with my feelings for that essay.

Thanks for editing my essay! I wasn't sure how nit-picky to be in my critique, but i hope this helps! :)


"poetry and literature are"


Instead of they, use "it overwhelms"

Maybe for the first essay, get into your personal experience earlier on. The first part is a tad common, but you do a good job of transitioning on into the second, more specific paragraph.

The whole first essay is very cohesive and thorough. It is slightly typical as you said, but a solid essay overall.

For your second essay, I am looking at the new corrections you made.


Maybe include a bit of an explanation of "I'm Amazed"? There's not quite a connection between the first line where you mention the song you performed, and later when you talk about the artist. The judges might not be familiar with the song. Or it could just be me.


Maybe make this flow a bit more, these two sentences sound a bit choppy. Change the beginnings?

Good use of solid evidence and details about the artist. I really liked your transition of ideas, and I think that your edits made your essay better and more positive sounding. I agree, I think you should use your second essay.

I loved your essay about My Morning Jacket. As the others have noted it is a little too extreme but I like the watered down version much better. As far as critiques go, I would set the stage for your performance and focus more on how you connected with the song while you were playing it. It focuses on the music industry as a whole but I think you need to tie in more about yourself, beyond what you think about pop music.

Thanks for your help on my essay too!

oh and as a Kentucky girl I love to see others who are as obsessed with MMJ as I am! :)