Mosaic: UC Application Essay #1

I only just found this website an hour or so ago as I typed my essay, and I was shocked by the pinpoint accuracy of some of the critiques here. Unfortunately, I haven't had the time to actually be active on this forum (this being my second post), so I'm hoping you guys will give me the benefit of the doubt - and the honor code!

Right now, my biggest worry is that my essay doesn't address the prompt strongly enough. Dreams and Aspirations seem to imply a stronger and more ambitious dream than what I addressed. Part of it, I feel, is that what I strive for (an aspiration, if you will) isn't directly related to success. My conclusion might also be somewhat weak.

Any advice you can give regarding these two concerns would be much appreciated. Well then, if you would, please fire away!

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Title: Mosaic
Total Words: 538

The world is a blaze of color and I consider myself lucky to have seen it. Born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, I spent my earliest childhood under a crimson Canadian maple leaf. By the time I was six years old, the grey skies of New England had replaced the leaf, only to be in turn usurped by California's golden skies at age eleven. Between finding new jobs and dealing with layoffs, it became routine for my family to pack our bags, say good bye to our friends, and leave the world behind us.

Of course, I hated it. In the summer of 2003, I had just graduated elementary school. My friends and I celebrated with a pool party in my backyard. A week later, my dad found a job at Amgen and my family moved to California; I never saw any of my old friends again. Every time we moved, I lost my place at school and I was forced to reestablish who I was, and conform to a new peer group. It was terrible.

Today, however, I am grateful for what I was put through. Through these experiences, I slowly learned to open my mind - I couldn't help it. Each place I lived, each person I met, were so inexplicably different: one, a girl who now plays chess internationally for the United States, and another, a boy who was diagnosed two years ago with terminal cancer. They were each irreplaceable. I learned to appreciate the unique points of view which existed all around me. In fact, I was awed.

I gave voice to my awe, my interest, through constant classroom debate. I became known in my grade as an amateur lawyer and it surprised no one when I joined the debate club in my freshman year. However, here, I did not have the luxury to pick and choose my battles. When I received my first topic, I could barely breathe. Banning gay marriage? It was an issue which I felt strongly against; the very notion revolted me. While I researched, I unconsciously sabotaged myself, discarding arguments out of personal vendetta. At the next club meeting, when we presented our openings, I argued with the passion and resolution of a limp balloon. The president was not amused. Even as the rest of the group progressed in fleshing out the rest of their debates, he had me polish my opening for the next three weeks. It was during these three weeks, where I was forced to constantly challenge my morals and preconceptions that I experienced a gradual change. I no longer felt despair and nausea at the prospect of arguing my topic. Instead, I had begun to feel an electric excitement. Suddenly, the artifacts of my world were no longer fixed - instead, they moved and swam in front of me. Nothing was entirely certain and anything was possible.

Three years ago, I took my first step into a world of color. Today, I still walk that path. My experiences have bequeathed me the unique gift of being able to see issues from multiple vantage points. As I move forward, I hope to be able to understand the humanity behind the issues, to be able to see and speak with them eye-to-eye, on level ground. One day, I hope to be able to honestly and earnestly embrace the colors around me.

Hello Stephen

While reading your essay, I felt that your essay is composed of two different parts.
1) Your geographically diverse background.
2) An experience which shaped you as a person.

Now, don't get me wrong. This is all fine if you can hold on to a single theme. Your fourth paragraph, however, seemed a bit wayward.


Well, this part was a bit sudden for me too. I could not deduce how your perspective changed. It seemed like an attempt to follow the first part of the essay, but one which was somewhat abrupt. It would be better if you elaborate it slightly.

Your conclusion needs some work too. The "...touch the hearts..." sentence is not very memorable.

I like your style of writing. It's simple and easily understandable.

Hope I helped :)

Thanks!

While I suspected my conclusion was a bit weak, I completely overlooked the lack of transition to the fourth paragraph. I also tried to address your concern about the suddenness of the change in my latest draft. I worry that I did not adequately strengthen my conclusion, but so far, I haven't had any really great ideas for closing this... If there's anything in particular that might strike anyone while reading this, I would be greatly interested.

(Also, er, if there's a specific format I'm supposed to use, like editing my original post or something similar so as not to take up gobs of space on the forum, I'd appreciate if someone could tell me).

Stephen:

What I want you to do, is play up the minority part. Don't make the center of your essay the debate experience: reason being that it's not as memorable. It doesn't set you apart at all. You have thousands upon thousands of qualified, and much more talented group of applicant you would be competing with if you focus yourself on the debate experience. You're far better off saying your dad was, sorry if this is insulting, trailer trash. I don't mean that he is, I'm saying, make it sound like he is, make it sound like you're a disadvantaged minority or a member of the lower/poorer classes. The UCs are a public institution and thus more lenient towards such essays. I'd suggest you saying something along the lines of your family was already in a bad situation [with details, very powerful ones] before the economy went bad, then were even further victimized by the economy. If that wasn't your case, then don't write that, of course, but it's just an example of how extreme I'm looking for.

Oh, and just as a general rule of thumb, stay away from controversial topics. I don't really think it's so much the "what if the reader doesn't agree with you" it's the words everyone ends up allocating to defending a politically correct stance on the subject. It's fills your last part of the essay with off-topic material.

But really, keep away from the debate part of the essay, it automatically puts you in a much more competitive category, and unless you won national awards debating, don't use it. it's much more impressive when an applicant has a hard minority life, pressed financially and living standards and helping out with supporting the family, and is still able to find time to do everything and stand out. it makes you that much more impressive of an applicant.

My parting advice for you is: BE THE MINORITY. own that identity. sell that identity. the ucs are a public institution.

I see what you're saying. That's a very interesting take on it, and also very cynical, haha. But I can't argue with you - perhaps I'll rewrite the entire fourth paragraph... Well I don't have a problem with it! I'll get back to you guys in a bit.

Also, I've realized that what I've written doesn't exactly suit the prompt after all. With some tweaking, I can, however, make what I have hear fit the second prompt (Experience you're proud of). The "dream" portion of it simply isn't strong enough.

That said, although I'm not exactly a disadvantaged minority at this point, I will be changing the center piece of the essay to something else.

I just think that you're better off putting the debate experience in your second essay than anything. I mean, when I applied, I did what you did and put my debate experience in the first essay too. but then i also got rejected from la and sd. but i still got my top choice, berkeley, but i think i would've been better off if i honed in more on the minority.

The biggest problem with writing as a disadvantaged minority is that my parents made huge sacrifices for me - I never really felt deprived, ever. But I don't want to focus on what they did for me since then the essay would be about them instead of me.

In any case, what do you think of the essay (with a bit of lenience for tweaking) for the second prompt after all?

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

If it wasn't clear, the experience I'm writing about is learning to consider issues from multiple points of view, and, especially, from the perspective of others. The issue regarding gay marriage was (well, besides being true) mentioned on purpose as a controversial issue to show that by the end, I had managed to "overcome", in a sense, the controversial nature of it.

This would also allow for a much stronger conclusion, as I can focus on how these experiences have changed my present being, as opposed to how its related to the future.

thanks for your help on my essay!

Your essay is very nice. it flowed very well when you talked about how you moved around a lot. props on using pathos. I think when you started to talk about the debate thing, you kinda broke the flow.

i can see that, and i'm not saying that you need to write that youre poor, you can also focus on the sacrifices that you talk about your parents making. that should create a similar minority affect that should sell well. but i think you understand not to make the essay a homage to your parents sacrifices, but rather how it changed you. but isnt this an essay for how the world you came from shaped you? or is this the accomplishment essay?

Don't worry, just focus on finding those excellent words and phrases. I'll keep the threads cleaned up. Thanks for being so considerate, and welcome to EF.

There is something nice about having a comma to separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence:
The world is a blaze of color, and I consider myself lucky to have seen it.
again:
Nothing was entirely certain, and anything was possible.

Each place I lived, each person I met, were was so inexplicably unique: one, a girl who...
or
Each place I lived, the people I met were so inexplicably different: one, a girl who...

This is such an interesting thread!! These are some very inspired ideas. Remember to accept only the ideas that feel right to you, lest you edit all the life out of the essay. You write very well.