It's the common app personal statement. Please make sure that word order is logical, and that the metaphors makes sense. Also, I'm not sure if I addressed enough how I grew as a person. Suggestions please?
I have built a protective barrier around me. I realized that now. Instead of letting others in, their hopes, dreams and problems became mine, and together we would tackle the hardships life brought. It was easy that way.
After building myself up from a heap of other people's thoughts and dreams, how shocking it was to emerge into the stark fluorescent light of a hospital, and discover I had no self. My journey into this room was my first disembarking. I entered the hospital in panic, cold and lost, frantically trying to disappear beneath the harsh glare of the lights. Huddled before the double doors marked "emergency room" I examined myself and found that I was empty. Finally, prompted by a nudge from my sister, I entered the room.
It was strange to see my mother lying there so helplessly. Her skin was paler than usual and glistened in the darkened corridors of her enclosed room. I tested the truth of the situation by gently placing my hand against hers. It was soft and clammy, and yet I was sure one false move could cause it to shatter.
It was then that the barriers that surrounded me were tested. One by one, they were stripped away like the peels of an orange, exposing the 17 years of self that I had successfully tried to bury until this moment. I now faced a situation that threatened to shatter the emotional bond between me and mother.
Two months passed by and little progress was made. She had suffered serious brain damage and the doctors were unsure of her outcome. My grades plummeted and my social life declined. I was shutting down and my state became horrific. My friends desperately tried to revitalize the once enthusiastic kid they had known but their plans faltered and my emotional fragility increased.
It was not until I looked at myself in the mirror one morning that the real journey began. The person before my eyes was a wasted heap of empty thoughts. I had betrayed myself and my mother, and I knew I had to replenish my own willpower and begin to believe in my mother's strength and continue living.
Where did this willpower come from? Having realized life is fragile I began to understand that I have and will continue to face challenges throughout my life, yet I cannot let them impact me negatively. Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. Though I will go through difficult times, I must work my way through them and think of them more as s growth process then a pruning of my strength.
She stayed there for four more months, waking only for seconds before falling back into a deep sleep that threatened to envelope her forever but I believed in her awakening to be the mother I once new. I began to visit her almost every day after school. I would take a cab to assure I got there before visiting hours ended and I began a journal, my entries ranging from my thoughts of the school day, to the strength I knew she possessed. I knew that one day she would look back upon it and be surprised by my gained maturity. I became me again. My grades began to improve and my friends were glad that I once again became engaged in my extracurricular activities.
More than my other achievements in life, I am proud of this one. The drunk driver that led to this devastating accident was absolutely out of my control, yet my ability to stay strong and believe in my mother was not. She eventually got better. Though she will never be the same I am grateful for her recovery. The world is full of harmony and I am grateful I have become a part of it.
I have built a protective barrier around myself . I realize that now.
It was strange to see my mother lying there so helplessly. Her skin was paler than usual and glistened in the darkened corridors of her secluded? room. I tested the truth of the situation by gently placing my hand against hers.
I was shutting down and my state became horrific.emotional state perhaps?
Having realized the fragility of life, I began to understand that I have and will continue to face challenges throughout my life, yet I cannot let them impact me negatively.
Wow, this a very powerful essay.
Good luck in school!
:)
Great essay!
Imagery works,
sentence structure starts short, starts extending toward the end and is very powerful.
Great diction.
I don't know what the drunk driver at the end has to do with anything, but the metaphor makes sense, so maybe you can find a different metaphor that works in this situation?
good luck!
