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"my mother's blessing" - about someone who has made an impact on your life.


cmcd 3 / 11  
Nov 21, 2010   #1
I would really appreciate it if someone could give me some feedback on my essay. Any criticism on structure and grammar would be helpful.

Prompt: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

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It can take a lifetime to find that special person who will hold the essence of our eternal reverence in their hearts. For some, this person can be found at a much earlier age, and for me, she was unearthed the moment I was born. She has given me every opportunity to succeed and sacrificed her blood, sweat, and tears for my education. My mother has been the product of third world deficiency, drudgery, and the aspirations of success in America.

My mother moved to the US from Bangladesh in 1987, leaving behind a life filled with family, friends and customs that she had abided by. However, she also found the opportunity that America offered and she realized the severity that poverty held on Bangladesh. My mother went to college in the US, striving to become educated, successful and make her family back home proud.

It's one thing, however, to become successful by oneself and a completely different experience doing so while raising a son alone and holding two jobs. Although my mother was intelligent, her abilities were limited by these commitments and she didn't always keep the best grades. She has had to work very hard to achieve the standards that many acquire easily. Her struggles mentored her and she realized the importance that education can have one someone's life. Since I started school, my mother's philosophy has been instilled within my mindset and all I can think about is how she said "four years of education or forty years of labor, it's your life."

It is only because of my mother's influence that I decided to do my best in school and consider going to college. I recall failing tests in elementary school and skipping class because I really disliked learning. I would have preferred to stay at home, pretending to be sick, and watch cartoons. My mother explained to me the significance of education at an early age and by middle school I had changed my behavior and started studying. I remember seeing my grades gradually go from low C's to eventually A's by the time I was in high school. I live my life under her example and I know for certain that I want to succeed and do well in college so that my life can have balance and meaning.

I hope to achieve the ideals that the University of Texas has set for undergraduates and I would like to study physics and mathematics so that I can learn about things that hold real value for me. With my mother's blessing, I can only hope that I will do well in a college that has a caliber held by the University of Texas.

OP cmcd 3 / 11  
Nov 22, 2010   #2
Thank you for the advice! Your revisions were really helpful and I reworked my last paragraph a bit so that I could talk more about why I like my majors. I was hoping you could take a quick look at it as well:

I hope to achieve the ideals that the University of Texas has set for undergraduates and I would like to study physics and mathematics so that I can learn about things that hold real value to me. My life has always revolved around the sciences, mainly because of my mother's involvement with chemistry. I would get a few opportunities to visit her lab and watch her attempt to mix chemicals and then run some tests. I do feel that same sense of belonging that my mother felt while working, whenever I place myself within the ideology of physics and mathematics. With my mother's blessing, I can only hope that I will do well in a college that has a caliber held by the University of Texas.
janosaur 1 / 6  
Nov 22, 2010   #3
Good job revising your last paragraph!

Here are a few more suggestions:

Due to my mother's career in chemistry, my life has always revolved around the sciences.Growing up, I would visit her lab and watch with fascination as sheher attempt tomixed chemicals and thenransome tests. Whenever I find myself in an environment of physics and mathematics, I do feel that same sense of belonging that my mother felt while working.At the University of Texas, I plan to study physics and mathematics. With my mother's blessing, I will strive to succeed at the University of Texas

I'm glad I could help! =)


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