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'Mother's relocation to Georgia' - Common Application Personal Statement


markray1193 1 / -  
Jan 1, 2013   #1
Hey guys!
I am a honor student applying to colleges for transfer. All my applications MUST be submitted by February to be in the "safe box" for admission. As you all know, Common Application requires a person statement. Could someone please read, critique, and leave comments on my personal statement. I value each and everyone's opinion.

Personal Statement:
When most of my peers were admitted into their dream schools, I sank further into the educational wasteland of Dade County. Struggling to accept every school I applied to rejected me, I chose to fabricate a story where limited financial aid was my sole reason for not attending college. Stuck in this victim mentality that was typical of myself and high school at the time, I continued to believe no high-achieving university wanted a senior who scored roughly a 1400 on his SATs and graduated-just barely-in the lower half of his class.

My mother, despite losing her job and being homeless, inspired me through her decision to relocate us to Georgia in search of access to a better education and safer atmosphere. Though she, too, had lived as a teenager in Miami's roughest neighborhood, my mother knew there was a greater purpose to achievement than cursing out teachers, skipping classes, fighting, or having babies at the preposterous age of thirteen. For the first time, I realized it was only by choice that I was a failing product of my former environment. Suddenly surrounded by students who already ventured to find their purpose in life, academics became integral to who I was.

With a renewed purpose and vision, I tackled some of my new school's most rigorous courses, including AP Psychology and AP Environmental Science. In addition, I became heavily involved in the National Beta Club and even fulfilled a leadership role as student body president. My GPA was still not an accurate representation of my abilities as a determined and exemplary young man, so I opted for community college in order to work on my scores and accolades.

It was at community college that I learned what I had been truly missing from the start of my academic career-the humility that my mother demonstrated to me so many years before. Some would view community college as mediocre; however, retrospectively it was one of my most responsible choices. Community college gave me the final tools I needed to further my case towards aiming higher. This spring, I am graduating in the top five percent of my class, and I am thankful for Georgia's positive atmosphere and the intellectual environment.

Transferring to your university will offer me better educational and career opportunities-the exact ones I have always dreamed of, but only over time came to know, cherish, and respectfully represent. My goal is to go above and beyond in the areas of international relations. I look forward to exploring these opportunities at a level that surpasses the history of my neighborhood, my family, and myself.
mayfl0wer 6 / 48  
Jan 2, 2013   #2
Struggling to accept every school I applied to rejected me, I chose to fabricate a story where limited financial aid was my sole reason for not attending college. Stuck in this victim mentality that was typical of myself and high school at the time, I continued to believe no high-achieving university wanted a senior who scored roughly a 1400 on his SATs and graduated-just barely-in the lower half of his class.

accept THAT.

"typical of myself and high school" - high school cannot have a victim mentality.

This is all good until the last paragraph when you say "your school."

Which is 'your school?' Because this is the common app, all schools will think that you think it's good to be transferred to however many schools you applied for.

Don't be so specific and instead say 'change of scenery / environment' or something.

Help with mine?


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