"my mother rubbing her eyes in exhaustion" - UCF personal statement

Prompt: How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?

The sight of my mother rubbing her eyes in exhaustion will forever stay with me, and as I worked on my crushed architectural model I couldn't help but to recall this image. The day before, someone had carelessly crushed my model 24 hours before judging for the state competition begun. Unfortunately, some of my team members threw in the towel at that moment since 24 hours could not compensate for 6 months of tedious work. To me there was no choice it had to get completed and we had to obtain first place. The easy thing would have been to give up and use the excuse that it couldn't be done but resignation, I was taught, is not in my vocabulary. My whole family's history as survivors and achievers influenced my personality by providing me with the confidence and drive to succeed in any environment I encounter. As immigrants from Peru with no previous English background my mom had to work three jobs to support myself, my sister, and aunt; as well as my elderly grandma. Some of the first images I remember in this country aren't of Disney World or traveling to the sandy white beaches of Florida, but of sitting in my 4th grade class lost because I couldn't keep up with the spelling of my strange second language. My mom would sit in our living room/kitchen/dining room all night studying English trying to pick up words and then would get up work her three jobs and do it all over again the next day. All throughout I never heard anyone complain; there were no "I can't do it" or "This is just too hard" in my household. Everything I am, my determination, passion, and persistence, I owe to my family and the values they placed in me.

Maybe you should include the outcome of the situation explained in your intro. How long is this essay supposed to be? I feel that you can tell a gripping story with your family's immigration experience with more room.

Hmm, I love the ideas you have in your essay, but why haven't you continued your story till the end? What happened? Did you finish your model?


Try not to repeat phrases from the essay prompt question


use another word that suites better than "crushed"..


"judging for" is confusing.. do you mean before evaluation time? or before they determine the results? "judging for the state competition" doesn't sound right


second languages aren't strange.. you can use another word like "poor" language instead


You can cut this :P You made it clear before that your family is not a family of quitters.. You shouldn't keep saying it in different ways or it would just sound cheesy


In my opinion, the qualities you referred to yourself is something the admissions readers are supposed to understand from reading your essay.. I think it's better to think of another stronger ending for that essay

Otherwise, good job!!

You conveyed the message well, without it seeming like you're asking for sympathy. I think you can work explaining/describing how your situation actually affected YOU and you're aspirations, etc. You do say: Everything I am, my determination, passion, and persistence, I owe to my family and the values they placed in me.

I thin you should elaborate on that part; you can make it much stronger.

Otherwise, you're off to a good start.

your essay is good , missing some details at some points.
write more comprehensively and please mention the constraints about time and words when you post for evaluation.