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My mother has shown me the right path to take in life among others how to giving back to community


shimkor12 1 / -  
Sep 8, 2015   #1
College Essay : Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you.
Help/Advice

I would Like some feedback and help on this college essay topic, I have a rough draft down below. Any comments, or advice would be great.

Thank You

Someone who has had significant Influence on me would be my mother Stacy Shimko because, she has shown me the right path to take in life, and through her giving back to the community, I have been influenced to give back to others and assist needy people through her actions.

One reason my mother has had a big influence on my life is because she has shown me the right path in life. As I have many hobbies and activities that I would like to pursue as a career or job, I have had many difficulties choosing what would be number one thing I should strive for now. When I tell her careers and jobs that I would like to pursue, she helps me set objectives for myself. She sets high standards to for myself as I should be performing everything I do at the best of my ability. My mother always gives me pointers onto what career plans I should take, and to always leave options open for myself as I can chase a career that is right for me. She drives me to connections and I make sure that a take the chance to always talk to adults that could help strive me for future success, as they often give me directions as to where I should go.

My second reason would be through my mother giving back to the community, influenced me to give back to others and assist needy people. My mom always was involved with church services and free lunches. I decided that I would go to help out one day, and after seeing that what my mom did had high influence on people, and that she has supported them throughout there years that I would do the same. So during the Christmas season I decided to spend my much earned money from shoveling drive ways that I would go out and buy hams and turkeys and give them to needed people in the community. My mom has been a well-hearted woman, and she has taught me that making an influence in someone else's life, influences and sparks potential in your own life as well.

My mom has been a very influential and inspirational person in my life. She has become a big hero in my life as well. She has had a significant influence in my life because she has shown me the right path to take in life, and as I have been influenced to give back to others and assist needy people through her actions.
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Sep 10, 2015   #2
Hello, I can help provide you with some feedback.

You could begin your essay by stating: "My mother has had a significant influence on me, because she has shown me the right path to take in life by giving back to the community."

2nd paragraph: I think you should explain how the hobbies and activities relate to your career path. For example, a person may have difficulties deciding a major if they are artistic. This maybe difficult because using creativity would be an important aspect in a career. Another way to correct this sentence, is to give a simple explanation. Ex: "For example, I have many interests that make it difficult for me to choose a career."

The next sentence you use career and jobs together. You could use career instead of jobs, because you use this term throughout your essay.

There are some words that can be deleted in the next sentence:" She sets high standards for me to perform at the best of my ability." Here is a correction for part of the next sentence:"... gives me advice about what career plans I should make..." Change as to "so" in this sentence.

I am confused by the last sentence in the paragraph when you discuss driving connections. Do you mean solutions?

I hope this helps!
fhmashayekhi 2 / 5  
Sep 10, 2015   #3
My second reason is my mother impact on me through her giving back to the community, it makes me to give back to others and assist needy people. My mom was always involved with church services and free lunches.

Once, I decided to help her out. Seeing that what my mom did and her supports had great influence on people,through there years, convinced me to do the same.

I can not understand this sentence completely: " I decided to spend my much earned money from shoveling drive ways that I would go out "

I hope these comments would be useful.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Sep 15, 2015   #4
- Someone who has had significant Influence on me would be my mother Stacy Shimko because,, she ...
-has shown me the right path to take in life, and through her giving back to the community,
-...I have been influenced to give back to others and assist needy people through her actions( no need to state the obvious .

- One reason my mother has had a big influence on my life is becauseMy mother influenced me and she...
- When I tell her about the careers and jobs...
- ...me pointers onto what career...
- ...that aI take the chance...
- to always talk to adults that could help me strive me for future success,..

As much as I'd like to love your essay, you still need to practice and make sure that the idea and the logic of your sentences go together.

Also, I'd like you to take note of the main reason why you are writing this essay, as much as you talk about your mom and how she influenced you, you should also mention yourself in the essay.

Overall, it's a good one.


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