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'My mother is a woman of determination' who has had a significant influence on you


jbjc11 2 / -  
Nov 13, 2011   #1
I'm horrible at writing and need all the advice I can get..
This is for the common app

No one has a stronger influence on a person than his or her family. My family has had a huge impact on my life and who I am today, especially my mother. She's taught me countless principles in life, such as independence, respect, proper manners, and responsibility.

My mother is a woman of determination. She's now back in school and studying from the minute she comes home until the minute when she goes to sleep. Although difficult and definitely stressful, she never gives up. She's determined to keep pulling through and to finish out her schooling. She sets goals for herself and achieves them with high excellence and for this, I look up to her. Whenever I'm struggling in school I think of my mom and how if a 47 year old woman with many others stressful responsibilities can do it, so can I.

My mother's determination influences me and I try to obtain her determination while applying and meeting all the requirements for specific colleges. It has been a stressful and intimidating process for me, but I've been determined to make it through. I've set goals for myself and tried to achieve them just as she does. Taking the SATs was one of the more important goals I set for myself. I've taken them three times, determined to do better each one. Telling myself that if I struggle along the way, I'll remember my mom and how she never gives up.
sumaiyarahman1 1 / 2  
Nov 13, 2011   #2
hey so this is good! however I feel like you sue the word determination alot? mmaybe you can say other words such as motivated or perseverance? also can u help me on my essay? thanks!
rifatmursalin 13 / 36  
Nov 13, 2011   #3
Hey!

Nice essay.

Just a few suggestions:

Never use contractions while writing essays for college. So, change I've, I'll to I have and I will.
I would suggest change your introduction. If you switch the first two sentences, it will make your story much more appealing.
For example, start off with an anecdote about your mother helping you or impacting you, or just give a concrete example of how she was struggling.

Also, college admission officers don't want to read, they want to SEE. So, Do not tell them; show them!
Give concrete examples and make it more descriptive and personal, and it will be perfect.

Your story definitely has the potential. Good luck!

Thanks. I'd appreciate any help with my Common App essay :D


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