Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.
Sitting alone at the back corner of the class, I was always the girl who was disregarded by the rest. It was difficult for me to assimilate with my peers, as I wasn't considered to be equivalent to them. I was 10 years old then, entering fifth grade after four years of studying in a class meant for under-aged children who were a year advanced in syllabus. My mother had told me I was always keen on acquiring knowledge and so she decided to enroll me into grade one as I turned six. Reading came easy to me, next to numbers. However, upon entering grade five, I did not see this bent as a blessing; I saw it as an affliction. Being the new girl, I was never generally accepted by everyone and this got to me. I have always loved making new acquaintances and building friendships; what vibe did I give out that everyone was seemingly evading me? Why were my classmates shunning me aside? I was never conceited nor did any teachers under any circumstances favor me. Being a really sensitive girl, this matter got under my skin and was close to overcoming my self-assurance. Through this experience, I pushed myself in showing my peers that age was not going to be the barrier between them and me. More than they know it, I am just like them. I was there to gain knowledge and so were they. At a young age I learned that prejudices favors no man. I worked twice as hard in class to prove to myself I was entitled to be in that class just as much as they did. I was not doing it for them but for myself. Everyday I had to struggle with the constant taunts that I am only where I am because the teachers favored me and not for my shrewdness. Nonetheless, my self-motivation kept me going; I deserved to be where I was and do what I want for myself regardless of what others think. From then on, I started planning ahead in life, building goals and ambitions for the future, and joining school-exchange programs to expand my horizons. Unexpectedly, this experience has given me my drive. It made me who I am today. I became my own motivator and have pushed myself towards success ever since. The spirit remains in me throughout time and I am glad that I was once the girl in the corner of my fifth grade class. Without that, I might have been content with life and swaying by it with time. Motivated, ambitious and young, I am.
please review and comment. thank you!
The first and second sentences sound awkward. Maybe the start could be "I was always the girl who sat alone at the back of the class, disregarded by the rest." if you're being general.
OR it could be "I was sitting alone at the back of the class, being disregarded by the rest, as always." if you're being specific. (currently I'm not sure if you're being general or talking about one particular occasion.)
And the second sentence could be "It was difficult for me to assimilate with my peers, as I wasn't considered their equal."
The rest of it seems a bit disorganized as well.
And in the last sentence are you paying tribute to Yoda from Star Wars? ;)
a pretty basic advice would be: separate the essay into several paragraphs, with one idea expressed in each paragraph. (unless UW has some sort of rule that you have to write it all in one para.)
for me, personally, i feel that from sentence 4 the rest of the essay is quite coherent.
Though I would edit it this way:
When I was six, my mother- who had noticed that I was unusually keen on acquiring knowledge- decided to enroll me into grade one. Reading had always come easily to me, as did numbers.
The first 3 sentences seem a bit out of place when I consider the whole essay; maybe you could put them later on instead of right at the beginning (or leave them out altogether if that's possible...). If you do that then the rest of it is pretty good I feel.
