Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 6


"Motivation to be the best - how I became president of HOSA" - UF essay


GatorFan28 1 / 3  
Sep 22, 2011   #1
Please give me harsh criticism; I am looking to improve my writing! The whole point I am trying to get across with my essay is that I failed to be the best, but it only motivated me more to be the best. I also wanted to address how I went from a "newbie" to the founder and president by using this motivation. Please let me know if I am on topic because I feel this is my most life changing high school experience. It's roughly 477 words. Any tips are appreciated as to how I can stress these points, thank you!

Essay Topic
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

I had no idea what I got myself into. It was just me, a rosy-cheeked freshman, lost in a sea of hardened veterans. And there it was: my name, among a list of only seniors, signed to compete against the nation's top schools. I could feel the burning stares from all the eyes focused on me as I walked across the room to find a seat. I was alone, but not intimidated. This was my first day of HOSA.

HOSA, Health Occupations Students of America, is home to the best and the brightest, and considering how I've always been in love with science and medicine, this seemed to be the gateway to my dreams. Little did I know, it was. The competition portion of this organization confirmed it was the perfect match. Regardless of the dirty looks I received, I stood tall and wrote my name down, proving to everyone I was more than devoted.

Day after countless day I studied, reading everything on the work of an Emergency Medical Technician. I was determined and set on first place. I went over every possible scenario imaginable, mastering them all down to an art form. Before I knew it, the competition had arrived. Everything I worked for, every late night spent at school, was finally here. I knew what had to be done. I entered the room, battled, and walked out victorious.

Hours passed and I grew increasingly anxious. Everyone representing my school was seated and awaiting the results. Names were called from all different divisions and classes. Finally, it was my turn, as the announcer stepped over to the microphone. My fate was sealed in an envelope. "And in third place... MSS from Park Vista!"

The room shook with applause. Everyone around me was cheering as I was rushed up to the stage. Looking out into the audience, I could see the faces of the once doubtful students, now proud that I took a chance. It was at that very moment my life changed. I looked down at my medal and realized... I made it. All my hard work, effort, and commitment paid off. Sure, third place is not the best, but it was a start. In fact, it only made me more determined to be the best. I promised myself that I would always give my all, no matter what.

It's been three years since I stood on that stage; three years since that moment. I am now the founder and president of HOSA at my new school. Sometimes it takes falling short to realize how much farther you have to go. I've stared down the face of adversity; it's made me who I am today. I've learned there is no challenge I can't overcome, and I bring that energy and determination with me everywhere, and hope to bring it to the University of Florida.
matthewcq2 1 / 2  
Sep 22, 2011   #2
Be careful at the beginning of the essay. It seems to me that in trying to use more complex grammatical structures in your essay (which is certainly understandable, you want to try to impress) your writing has become awkward and unnatural. Try reading your paper aloud, it may not sound as you hope and just may figure out how it should be written. Remember, this essay is your voice!

To more directly answer your questions though, your essay is clearly focused and gets its point across, it seems long to me, this is probably just because some of it feels awkward when you read. Be sure to avoid rambling and repetition, ad-coms will be able to figure out your point without you being too forward; they are smart people.
OP GatorFan28 1 / 3  
Sep 22, 2011   #3
Can you be more specific, as in from where to where is "awkward"? Any tips or specific sentences you feel should be altered (and how the altered version looks like)?
fsolano94 16 / 30  
May 19, 2013   #4
Overall you have a superbly written essay. The fact that you were courageous enough to take on such a big taske like becoming president of HOSA proves that you are willing to go the extra mile. I wish you the best of luck at UF.
OP GatorFan28 1 / 3  
May 21, 2013   #5
I appreciate your kind words but I actually don't attend UF... in fact quite the opposite to say the least...
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
May 22, 2013   #6
I had no idea what I got myself into. It was just me, a rosy-cheeked freshman, lost in a sea of hardened veterans. And there it was: my name, among a list of only seniors, signed to compete against the nation's top schools. I could feel the burning stares from all the eyes focused on me as I walked across the room to find a seat. I was alone, but not intimidated. This was my first day of HOSA.

.... well, I like this start :)

Little did I know, it was

.... this one sounds incomplete :( did know what?

The competition portion of this organization confirmed it was the perfect match.

.... this one too is not so descriptive for the reader to get your real idea.... better tell why call it a perfect match?

Day after countless day I studied, reading everything on the work of an Emergency Medical Technician.

.... That part is confusing... you need to re-organize this sentence to improve its clarity.

It seems to me that in trying to use more complex grammatical structures in your essay (which is certainly understandable, you want to try to impress) your writing has become awkward and unnatural.

... I think matthewcq2 has a point. Don't keep on introducing complex structures. Have one in between, but don't over do.


Home / Undergraduate / "Motivation to be the best - how I became president of HOSA" - UF essay
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳