This is for the common application. The prompt is topic of your choice. Any feedback would be very much appreciated!
My Motivation
If someone asks me what my passion is, the answer is easy: medicine. My interest in medicine started when I took my first biology class. While my friends messed around and passed notes during class, I was very interested in the material I was learning. Every day, I was wide-awake during lecture, despite the fact that it was at 8:00 in the morning. Instead of dragging myself to class every morning, I enthusiastically walked to class, excited and ready to learn something new. I enjoyed learning the intricate way in which the organs in the body work together. I found it interesting when I began to learn about neurons and all of the different steps that have to occur for me to feel certain sensations, such as pain from touching a hot stove. I am intrigued by the complexity behind what we consider simple things. For example, moving our fingers seems simple, but in reality, many processes take place inside the body for this contraction to occur. The more I learned, the more I wanted to pursue a degree in medicine.
However, my interest in biology isn't the only thing that has motivated me to study medicine. I want to study medicine so that I can be a doctor one day. I want to make a difference in someone's life. When I visit my parent's homeland, Syria, the sheer poverty of the country takes my breath away. Sometimes, I see sick children sitting on the streets, who can't afford the medical attention they so desperately need. My dream is to become a doctor and return to Syria, where I plan to open a free clinic to change the lives of the impoverished.
I love your ultimately goal, and I am glad you champion such a noble cause.
On the other hand, I feel this essay could be better. It feels like you just wrote it down very quickly. I would like to hear more about your first approach to Biology. Can you remember your teacher's name? What was the first lesson that really caught you attention?
Maybe you could make a comparison between the rest of the world and the movement of the finger. You could add more details about your trips to Syria, or as I mentioned, compare the difficult situation there with something medicine-related.
Another point that could also be good for your essay is adding more details about how you want to achieve your goal. Going to med school sounds fine, but what else? Maybe joining groups to later create a Syrian-aid group.
Hope it helps and good luck! :)
Excellent stuff here, it's hard to find room to criticize. but I want to suggest that you sharpen your sword a little. Sharpen the focus. Medicine is not your passion; a particular philosophy pf medicine is your passion, and that philosophy compels you to learn particular modalities and techniques, etc.
Also, at the end you dropped a big cliche. Too many people say they want to open a free clinic, etc... it is a goal someone might have if they have not put enough thought into their plan. If you can add some details, set some goals and deadlines, and show that you are already reading the professional books and articles that medical professionals read... that is impressive. Develop your plan for the future and express it. : )
