okay i need major editing for this prompt. please edit away... oh and the ending is soo messed up it needs work! Thanks
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
One of the main things I have come to realize is that I have always been interested in nature and the environment. I learned this first hand when I lived in Laguna Beach with my parents, aunt, and younger brother. Living in Laguna gave me an aspect of what nature looked like in an urbanized setting; stunning yet trapped.
Like most people who live in the city, my first real experience with wildlife was at the zoo. But the animals all seemed out of place in their surroundings, no matter how natural their environments might be. In addition it gave them the appearance of being "tame". My understanding of nature widened when my aunt, a wildlife specialist, got a call one night about a mountain lion road kill on the Ortega highway and asked me to come along. The impact of the vehicle had left the cougars upper canines exposed and in a defiant, but silent snarl. I stood back- awed by its size and beauty, which even death could not dismiss. This awakened me to animals vulnerability which put them in a world where their natural habitat is being destroyed by urban growth and building development.
When my family moved to Three Rivers, I immediately felt excited to be relocated closer to nature. Three Rivers is a small town with roughly 2,000 people living there. It's situated on the outskirts of Sequoia National Park - home to the big trees and a wide variety of animals.
As a senior at Woodlake High School, I have decided to broaden my knowledge of nature and continue to study it in college. There are many jobs that focus on nature and the animals that inhabit this world. My personal experiences with animals have inspired me pursue an education in the field of wildlife and the ways we can help protect it.
I feel like you have a good main point for the essay. But it feels to empty and vague. Maybe elaborating more on your specific experience with the cougars will provide a better way for the readers to better understand your dedication and feelings towards nature. For the conclusion you could try connecting your interest with one of your goals. The vocabulary was very descriptive and succinct. It gave me a clear image of what you saw. Overall, I believe your essay has the potential, it just needs to be brought out.
stunning yet trapped... because of the placement of this at the end of the 1st para, it seems that it is going to be the theme of the essay.
You should check out Unity college in Maine... it is focused on wildlife...
This essay will be much better if you spend some time discussing your specific career goals... and your heroes currently doing research in the field. This should go into great detail about how this school, specifically, with its unique resources, programs, and faculty, will enable you to get to where you want to be. Lay out the plan, and they will know you are serious about life.
thanks for the suggestions on how to make this better... but do you think that it fits into what the prompt is asking?
i think you should like write more on your experience with the wildlife.
The way I look at this prompt is that the essay is actually about your dreams and aspirations. Telling about the world you come from is a way of illustrating your dreams and aspirations.
I just think the first and last para need more elaboration and explanation. Explain what you mean with one additional sentence for each of those. Your topic is perfect for the prompt... you just need to give more definition to the ideas in the first and last para.
Perhaps you also need to show how you followed up on your interest in animals after moving to Three Rivers. Since you say that it is closer to nature, how did you use this opportunity to broaden your knowledge and experience. This would show your focus towards your goals.
You are talking about a love of nature but there is no nature in this. Take advantage of your intro paragraph to make the reader interested, illustrate your love of nature. How was Laguna "stunning yet trapped". Illustrate it rather than say it.
