"mouth-watering contributions " - UC Essay Prompt 1 - Community

Prompt: Describe the world you come from and how it has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

The aromas of another community thanksgiving dinner began to fill my home. The scents of a perfectly cooked turkey, carefully prepared stuffing, and tasty, delicious sweet potato coaxed me upstairs. I saw many of our family's friends and neighbors, and everyone has brought mouth-watering contributions to tonight's feast. For as long as I can remember, this has been our tradition; my family has brought together more than thirty of our closest friends to our home for this annual celebration of thanks.

I have grown up surrounded by a community of neighbors that I have known in every aspect of life. I see kids that once babysat me and are now in college or beyond, as well as parents of kids who I now babysit. I see people who my parents knew from their days in New York, as well as new friends they've met through our temple, Congregation Tikvat Jacob. These relationships have existed for my entire life, and all have positively influenced me in one way or another.

Whether it has been at home on 33rd Street, on vacation with old family friends, or at temple, I've always had a supportive community around me. I grew up attending Hebrew School at my temple Congregation Tikvat Jacob twice a week, and something I have always kept in mind is the Jewish concept of Tikkun Olam.Tikkun Olam is the practice of repairing the world one step at a time, and I have been taught that it is a Jewish responsibility to improve the world that surrounds you however you can.

I aspire to live my life keeping Tikkun Olam close to heart, and I feel I am getting a good start on that right now. Just recently, I was accepted by Habitat for Humanity to be a team member on a project in Molokai, Hawaii, where we will build a home for a struggling family of eight. A Habitat for Humanity volunteer is not only donating time, but also has to pay for shelter, flights, food, construction supplies, and general contractors. In order to raise the money, I organized a garage sale and asked my friends and neighbors for any donations they could provide. With their help, I was able to raise $1,200 for the project, in addition to receiving over $1,500 in monetary contributions. I am fortunate to have been raised within a supportive community that has allowed me to take on great challenges, like Habitat for Humanity.

I look forward to taking advantage of the opportunities afforded me by such a supportive environment and turning them into future successes. I hope to attend a four-year university, and then move onto law school and have a successful career in the business world. This year as I look around the Thanksgiving table and see the friends and family that have helped me so much, I know my dream is to create the type of supportive community for my family and those around me that I was raised in, and I hope to keep Tikkun Olam in mind the entire time.

Any and all feedback is much appreciated! Thanks!

Here are a few things to get you started:


The sweet potato in this sentence feels out of place. We have the perfectly cooked turkey ... carefully prepared stuffing ... and the tasty, delicious sweet potato. See what I mean? The word "tasty" throws off the rhythm and muddles the comma structure. Turkey and stuffing are rightfully singular, but I do hope that you have more than one potato to feed that many people.


The verbs in this sentence could be a lot stronger. Right now, "I saw" is acting as the main verb andthat isn't very exciting. Why not just say: Our friends and neighbors have brought mouth-watering contributions to tonight's feast.


The "for as long as I remember" doesn't add anything to this sentence. It doesn't detract either, but with such a limited word count, you will want to make every word count. Try to rephrase this so it is active voice. Try something like: Traditionally, my family brings together more than thirty of our closest friends for this annual celebration of thanks.

Thanks Eric! I have been feeling overwhelmed by all the essays, and your feedback is great!

...family has brought together more than thirty of our closest friends to our home for this annual celebration of thanks.

If you use this as the last sentence of the first para, I think you MUST have a thesis sentence at the beginning of the second para. Let that first para set the scene, because it is beautifully written, but then use the first sentence of the 2nd para to give, succinctly, the central truth of the essay.

:-)
Kind regards!!!