I WOULD LIKE SOME FEEDBACK ON MY ESSAY. I AM APPLYING TO BROWN, UPENN, AND CORNELL. I AM NOT MENTIONING ANY SPECIFIC UNIVERSITIES BECAUSE THIS ESSAY HAS TO GO TO ALL OF THEM SO IT CANT HAVE A NAME (250 WORDS MIN). THIS IS MY FIRST DRAFT SO ITS A BIT MESSY.ANY FEEDBACK IS GREATLY APPRECIATED!
A year and a half ago I was continuously troubled by one question: "Where am I going to go to college?" I knew deep down that being accepted into a university would not be the challengeïthe challenge was going to be going somewhere I did not have family near by. I was accepted to universities that were great, such as Syracuse University, but I decided to go to UCB instead.Even though Syracuse was going to offer more financial assistance, I decided to go to UCB because it was only two hours away from home. I was not interested in attending the Community College in **** either; at that point I was, to put it briefly, self-trapped into Berkeley. I knew that I wouldn't see my parents every weekend but at least I could always purchase a two-way Amtrak ticket if necessary.
My time at Berkeley has been undeniably magnificent. My freshman year was a time of great transition and positive transformation. I was moving into a completely different environment with all kinds of different people. Berkeley is nothing compared to ****because you are not easily criticized at Berkeley. Berkeley is a place that welcomes any radical or extreme ideaïsomething rare in ****. Not only was this a transition for me, but for my family as well because I am the first out of my entire family to attend college. I was no longer going to be with my family on a daily basis. I was no longer going to be there for my parents to translate when there was a language barrier. I was no longer going to be able to look after my younger two sisters on a daily basis as I had done in the previous years. It was also these very reasons that motivated me to attend a school nearby. Being the first to move from home to study in a different place is something scary especially if you are a first-generation Latina. Berkeley allowed me come home every once in a while and also feel like I was home because my nanny lived close.
Today, once again I am troubled, yet ironically empowered, by one other question: "How am I going to continue financing my studies at UC Berkeley?" Just before applying to UC Berkeley, I had found out that I was undocumented, or AB540 in California. I had no idea what that mean or how it could harm me but it all boiled down to not receiving any federal financial aid, not being able to apply for loans, certain scholarships and not having the same opportunities that students who are US citizens. The only reason I was able to afford a semester and a half at UC Berkeley was because I was fortunate enough to have found an internship in the summer of 2009 that helped me finance my education. My summer money quickly disappeared due to the increase in tuition and needless to say, books and housing. I tried looked for a part-time job but no luck there since everywhere I went required a social security number which I don't possess. It was very difficult sitting through a midterm and thinking about the possibility of not being able to sit in that classroom the following semester due to my financial circumstances. It was also difficult to think about a calculus problem while also taunted by the missed payments for housing that I couldn't make because of money shortages. While my dilemma of being undocumented limited me so much, it also made me value an education much more than my peers because I was paying everything out of my own pocket. It showed me how much I will do to have a higher education and better my life, as well as my family's and community's.
Today I am still tasked with the responsibility of financing my education by myself which is extremely difficult. However, this time I have decided to take a different route. I have decided to explore my opportunities beyond the Berkeley border. About a year ago I was offered great educational opportunities outside California but because of my immaturity, I felt that I was unable to leave my family. Today my financial hardships and my desire for a higher Ivy League education are my main reasons why I want to transfer out of UC Berkeley. I am aware of both the academic and financial help that is offered to me from private institutions all over the country. Because I value education greatly, I am now capable of overcoming my fears and leaving my family temporarily. I know now that not being near my family does not mean that I have abandoned them or that we are going to forget about each other. I now know that going to a new university with absolutely no relatives near, that I'm doing it to better myself as a scholar and human being.
Today I know that I'm ready to take on bigger challenges. Today I know that I'm ready to move across the nation to a school that will give me more opportunities to grow as a scholar. My potential, determination, and diligence are great characteristics that I was able to strengthen during my year at Berkeley and are now going to help me take on bigger challenges at my new Ivy League university. UC Berkeley not only stretched my capacity for higher-level thinking, but also made me hungrier for more challenges. My new institution will present challenges that will help me grow even more and will also allow me to collaborate with a diverse pool of outstanding individuals who are also hungry for challenges. I will be able to learn from them and they will be able to learn from me.
Furthermore, being an undocumented, first-generation Mexicana has empowered me move beyond my "home" Berkeley and see the endless opportunities that are available elsewhere. Artist Robert Fritz once said, If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise and I don't want to my college years, the foundation for a successful life, to be only a compromise. I want my groundwork to be both a challenge and growth opportunity.
I had no idea what that meant or how it could harm me, but it all boiled down to ...
This is not only good writing but it is also interesting to read. That is a good accomplishment. However, I think the first paragraph is not quite what you want to start with. I almost want to recommend cutting out pararaph one and starting with paragraph 2.
However, what I really think you should do is replace paragraph 1 wit a paragraph that expounds the main idea you want to convey. I don't think the most important idea in this essay is the fact that you were, "to put it briefly, self-trapped into Berkeley..." or that ouwere reluctant to live far from home. What is the real theme of this essay? Whatever it is, write an intro and conclusion paragraph about it.
:-)
Thank you so much for helping me out. yes, I do agree that I need an intro and conclusion. I'll be getting to that right now.
I was concerned that the essay in general was strange but I guess I should consider moving my things around like you said.
Thanks a million! :)
hey,
you're competition! haha. since i'm applying to some of those schools as well.
I think you need to clear out a lot of fluff from the paragraphs. Overall, you seem to have your points well thought out. But you need to describe it better. For example, I didn't really get why you are unhappy with berkeley. you start off with lots of praises about the place. provide a better transition maybe?
Also, "About a year ago I was offered great educational opportunities outside California but because of my immaturity, I felt that I was unable to leave my family."
explain in detail...i would want to know what "great opportunities" you were offered. and it might not be a good idea to say you were immature and afraid to leave your family. especially since you aren't a freshman anymore.
there's my two cents. good luck. Also, one question, if you don't mind. is it possible to study outside of CA if you're undocumented? like don't you have to provide some documentation? just out of curiosity! hehe.
Hey chris0089
Thank you so much for your help :) I appreciate it.
In regards to your question about studying outside of CA--Yes. I can study anywhere in the country if i'm undocumented but some schools will make me pay more. However, there are few that would require some sort of documentation in order to apply. Those are not the Ivy League's though.
