prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
In elementary school, my parents encouraged me to work through math books. I thought arithmetic was a game, enjoyed it, and pushed myself to understand the concepts better. What else could be easier than working out math problems? Nothing, so I thought. Growing up in North Hills, in a community with attentive parents and strong academic programs, my education took a charitable path. It was not a breeze, but my family, teachers, and peers motivated me to study hard; over the years, they showed me the value of new technology.
Although I did not realize the importance of taking an HGM entrance exam in second grade, looking back, I know that this opportunity greatly affected my life. That test allowed me to enter the Highly Gifted Magnet programs offered at Portola Middle School and North Hollywood High School. While family friends said that continuing the HGM program at North Hollywood was too difficult and stressful, I chose to go not only because the challenge was so intriguing, but also because it built a strong student community. Through this program, I also strengthened my interest in mathematics, and developed my fascination in the sciences.
With the rich academic experience I had at North Hollywood, it was with much frustration that I moved to another school for tenth grade. This was a challenge; I could not and had no idea how to deal with the anger of moving away from my friends and school. Moreover, the atmosphere was extremely different; I followed along, kept pace with my teachers, and watched how others worked around me. I realized that if I wanted to keep ahead, I had to study more on my own.
School activities helped me cope with the transition, and I began to think seriously about what I would do with my life. I diligently kept up with my schoolwork, and made new friends through clubs, youth groups, and sports. Using the Internet and a mobile phone, I solidified relationships with my friends, many of whom I could not see on a weekly basis. I learned to balance my time more efficiently, but I still spent several sleepless nights pondering over a new dilemma. I wanted to use my smarts to help other people; I wanted to become an engineer and use my hands profitably, but I was never sure what field to pursue.
Junior year proved much better. I entered classes that I enjoyed, I liked my new teachers, and I even had the time to take an additional programming class at the local college besides my normal classes. Taking that class, as well as another one in the summer, showed me that I had a real knack for computer science. Building Java applications was like solving math puzzles-pieces had to fit; otherwise, programs would not run and solutions would not appear. When the script ran smoothly, the possibilities became endless.
In the course of these events, I discovered my passion to study both computer science and computer engineering. I plan to delve deeper into these fields and find greater insight in their application. Just as I had been able to utilize technology to share thousands of ideas with other people over the years, I now want to allow many more to discover the immense possibilities of these tools. Combining my strength in mathematics and a desire for accuracy, I know I will have a meaningful life creating avenues towards this end.
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essay so far. a bit long. im working on cutting down and maybe revising the end. thanks for any advise.
Feel free to disagree with me but.. I see no significant connection between the school you went to and the school stuff that happened to you and the passtion for computer engineering...
Your school stuff didn't necessarily shape your passion for computer engineering... did it? If it did, I don't think you clearly portrayed that through your essay. The whole idea just seems choppy to me.
Please read mine:
ok. so maybe cutting out that section on how i continued science stuff worked against me.
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try to connect the comp eng. with school more. anything else that has nothing to do with the connection, take it out because they delineate from the subject.
it's getting there. YOU CAN DO IT! :D
this essay wasnt all about comp eng. its about my world... and how it affected me, right?
but yeah i do go off...twas cut and edited from another prompt
well, i'd advise you to first decide what your dream/asperation is going to be for this essay because that should be the main point. focus it down narrowly so your essay isn't so scattered. then decide what your school environment that influenced or caused that dream/asperation is going to be. this would make your essay really straightforward and easy to grasp.
you are telling me an awful lot... but I want you to SHOW me.
even through writing, actions speak louder than words.
think of that one(or a few) experience(s) that is the culmination of everything you want to say and let the readers know.
my advise
1) read the question out loud.
2) respond to the particular question in 1-2 sentences MAX (that's your focus)
3) write down step 2
4) get to writing!
5) SHOW me don't Tell me
6) when you think you're done READ THE ESSAY OUT LOUD. so many people are self-conscious of their work, but when you read something out loud... you are involving more of your senses than just sight. you're involving your senses, like audition, and vision, and perhaps maybe even taste, touch, and smell
--edit--
p.s. thanks for reading mine - I pushed the submit button :)
I find it rather hard to diminish the WORLD around me into two sentence, and even harder into one. I live in a desert. Maybe I can show you the joshua trees or the tumbleweed.
The question, describe my world and how it's shaped my aspirations, I see as better addressed by a more biographical approach and not by a single instant or event that triggers BAM! that I want to be an engineer. Things build up to a goal, at least for me, and they're not spur of the moment thoughts. If it'd be better to include things like building legos or folding origami, or staying up late debugging a program, then maybe I'll consider that.
Thanks for the advice. I'll try developing the essay to be more focused, though not quite as forceful as a "money shot."
FINALLY. after much thought and reconsideration, a new version.-ish hehe
I tried keeping most of it. And I noticed they want "tell"ing, not showing @emily foong
Comments please. any new advice, or old ones that I didn't catch.
It bothers me how this is more of a timeline of your four years in high school. At the end you also say: desire for accuracy. You never mention accuracy in your essay. I think what you were referring to is the balance you had to find between school and relationships, but that isn't accuracy. That's like saying "I started to watch TV more than I read because I wanted to be more accurate." It's a stretch to say accuracy is not measured by balancing schedules.
It is a good story with almost no grammatical errors but I cannot see where you headed at especially with the last paragraph. Try and bring out your point with the story in the last paragraph so it becomes a clearer essay. Tell us explicitly how your move as shaped your aspirations rather than stating it.
P.s I think we should share contacts so we could discuss more on our essays.
Grammatically, it's passable (fix the last sentence). It's slightly interesting and readable, compared to most essays here, which should count for something.
As I usually find to be true, though your grammar and style are mostly pat, the diction could use work in several areas.
I thought your essay is reallly goood, i dont reallly see any gramatical errors. hehh i told you im bad at this x.x
Hellobeautiful, it's okay if you cannot think of any criticism. Many people have that problem. However, I hope you'll write a few sentences to let people know about the experience that you had while reading their essay.
It is okay, for example, if we tell the writer that the last paragraph was more exciting than the first... or if we tell them what we would think if we were the admissions person reading the essay. The trick is to write a little mini-essay about the person's essay. Even just a few sentences is enough. But it's important to say something substantial when giving feedback; it's part of the practice that takes place here.
Thanks for giving me the chance to rant about that here! I think a lot of people have the same problem -- not knowing what to say.
:-)
It's a great one!!!
I really like it...
but just one more thing, I feel the ending is not strong enough. Can you add a bit more talking about your passion and ambition?
