Rutgers undergrad admission essay
Hey:
So this is my second attempt at the Rutgers essay..it would be kind if someone can go through it and tell me how it is..
Many many thanks for going through it =)
Essay Prompt: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.
I had moved from New York to Bangalore, India during the summer of 2004. The reasons included personal familial reasons and my dad's job. I felt I left something completely perfect and came to a completely new environment. I was only 14 though, so it was understandable perhaps that I felt that way. I joined an international school a few months after I arrived in India, hoping to blend with people who were also like me. What was quite ironic was that, despite being in a international school, I was the only girl from a foreign country. The rest of my class were local indian students. This was probably my first major test in my new school, as in New York I was used to the diverse and multi-cultured crowd.
After being in India for 4 years, I realized that all along I was missing a cultural link with India, and by joining an Indian school and living in India, I have actually been given a gift which I am extremely grateful for. Throughout my 4 years, my school and my parents gave me the opportunity to visit to many other indian cities. These cities had so much to offer, historically and culturally. We visited Hindu temples and historical landmarks, which helped me reconnect me back to my Hindu religion.
I had also done a lot of community service throughout my stay in India, one of the recent ones being me teaching a government school student how to use a computer. I taught the child in hindi, and so the experience was quite fun and engrossing. My student had never seen a computer before in his entire life, so to actually start from the basics was quite challenging. I first taught the student how to use a mouse and the keyboard, and used the application "Paint" on Windows to also aid the student. I had never thought that my linguistic skills in Hindi could actually benefit a student and I while teaching.
My 4 years in India went by quickly. The process did, however, prove to be a challenge for me as my grades began to dip. From being a honors student in New York, I had become an "average" student in class, struggling to keep my grades high. The sudden shift of the curriculum change was quite challenging, and my confidence had gone low for quite some time. It took me years to actually accept my environment and culture. I was insular when I had first come to India, thereby not furthering my horizons and looking upon the positive points about moving. I didn't want to step out of the comforts which New York provided me and go to India. The recovery took its time, and by the time I reached grade 11, I had decided to choose the IB program. It has from then enhanced my strength to face new situations and a variety of individuals thereby giving the confidence to act purposefuly, think rationally and also has given me the ability to deal effictively in any new environment.
Something that I feel I would have never been able to do had I continued to be nestled within my comfort zones in New York.
I believe that by joining Rutgers University, I have so much to contribute and learn among the student body because of it's great cultural diversity. Not only does Rutgers give me the opportunity to expand my education but to also make new friends and meet new people. I hope to share my experiences and bring knowledge of diversity beyond which many students may possess. I also believe that Rutgers gives me the oppurtunity to take on leadership positions which I was unable to do within my school and community. Rutgers gives me the platform to do this because the students come from many cultural, social and economic backgrounds that gives me the chance to provide my subjective experiences and at the same time to hear those of others. I believe I can add to the diversity of the Rutgers student body and as well as learn from it too.
Thanks for reading =)
Looking forward to feedback..
It's a good essay, it just doesn't really answer the prompt. This isn't the commonapp essay--don't write about yourself. Rather, write about yourself in relation to Rutgers. Take the last paragraph and expand upon it. Condense the previous 4 paragraphs into one and use it to either (a) begin the essay in an interesting way or (b) use your experience in India as evidence of your ability to appreciate diversity and help other people.
Also, stress what you can bring to the school as opposed to what the school can bring to you. Maybe expand a bit more about the tutoring--it demonstrates your ability to work well with others and contribute to a better learning enviroment. Use the anecdote that's the core of your essay as the proof, not the argument.
In fact, around a few years ago, our school had taken us to Pondicherry, and we stayed at the Sri Aurobindo Ashram.
y 4 years in India went by quickly .
The recovery took its time, and by the time I reached 11th grade, I had decided to choose the IB program.
I have, since then, regained my confidence and become a stronger and more mature person.
I believe that by joining Rutgers University, I have so much to contribute and learn among the student body. I hope to share what I have learned in India among fellow Rutger Students, such as my cultural values and experiences which I have learned through traveling domestically in India and also what I have learned through community service. The Rutgers Student body, as I am aware of, has students from well over 130 countries, and by this I hope to hear and learn the experiences of many students. I look forward to seeing how their experienceswere and what their backgrounds are as well.
Hey thanks so much for your feedback kevin and jessmel..
I edited it again, expanding on the last paragraph and cutting out a bit. It would be extremely nice if you can just go through it again to tell me how it sounds before i submit it.
Many many thanks =)
I moved from New York to Bangalore, India during the summer of 2004. The reasons included personal familial issues, one of which involved my dad's job.
Throughout my four years, my school and my parents gave me the opportunity to visit to many other Indian cities.
My four years in India went by quickly.
Rutgers gives me the platform to do this, because the students come from many cultural, social and economic backgrounds that gives me the chance to provide my subjective experiences and at the same time to hear those of others. I believe that I can add to the diversity of the Rutgers student body while playing my role as a part of your fine institution.
