So, I'm trying to transfer to Penn for the fall and the essays kind of have me panicking. I have a rough draft here of the larger of the two supplemental essays and was really hoping the good folks at essayforum could help me flesh it out and make it as good as possible. Any help is appreciated!
Prompt: Ben Franklin once said, 'All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.'
Which are you?
Of the three classes of people named in Benjamin Franklin's quote, I would cast myself among those who consider themselves movers. In my view,a mover is one who above all is capable of movement of the self. For a long period of my development, I could best be described as a movable person with an immovable attitude, not unlike most in their formative years. Children are typically incapable of altering their own perspective, whether by simple inexperience or willful action. Despite this, children do not really have much choice in their own circumstances, and as such are "movable" in that they are dependent upon forces which act upon them. I was no different in this regard, and yet I feel that what causes one to avoid the movable or immovable paradigm is ultimately how they develop a response mechanism to those circumstances which are imposed. What separates a mover such as myself from the immovable or the movable can be simplified to adaptation and self-reflection.
My life was fairly typical for a resident of the poorer part of Northeast Philadelphia. My family was relatively poor and working class. As I grew we gained some money and were able to leave the city, which would be the first of many significant imposed circumstances in my life. More significant than this move however were the events that followed out of it. The separation of my parents and the later loss of our suburban home and typical middle class style of living was where many who I knew often fell into the class of the movable. For a span of approximately two years from the age of thirteen I responded with the angst that was so typical among teenagers and suffered socially and academically for the experience. I allowed myself to be moved by
my circumstances, swept up by the negativity of imposed conditions. As the effects of this became more apparent, I realized through my family how one's own self imposed attitudes have an effect on their ability to move forward from a negative event such as family separation. As I saw my brother and sisters dropping out of school and becoming involved in illicit activities as a response to some of the abuse and negativity associated with a family splitting up, I was forced to realize that I could let circumstance dictate my attitudes and path in life, or I could move myself in such a way as to succeed in spite of being undermined. I call myself one who moves because when placed in circumstances that moved so many in my family to avoid the pursuance of higher education, I was able to realize my own ability to move away from an established tradition toward a higher goal. Reflection on the negative outcomes of being dictated on a personal level by imposed conditions and adaptation to those conditions to negate said outcomes are the two traits which have defined me and kept me focused on pursuing a path contrary to my upbringing.
Please HALP! D:
In my view,a mover is one who above all is capable of movement of the self.
.... "above all" seems to distract your idea. Just have a look without it;
In my view, a mover is someone who is capable of movement of self.... How does it sound?
For a long period of my development, I could best be described as a movable person with an immovable attitude, not unlike most in their formative years
I guess this sounds better if you use direct speech;
I had been a movable person with an immovable attitude in the process of my self development.Haha, thanks. Maybe I could use that as a foot in the door. The admissions office could be like "We want to hear more! There's only one way we can get it! We must accept him!"
In seriousness, though, I'd have a hard time extending it because it's already technically over the word limit and I'm not sure where I'd take it. Any ideas?
