Hi so I'm brand new at this site so I'm not really sure how this works but I was wondering If someone could edit my common app essay.
The prompt is Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. soo yea. Thanks so much to anyone who gives any input. And tell me if you think I should just scratch the whole thing.
Imagine being dropped off at a new high school not knowing a soul, not knowing whether to turn left or right. Now imagine doing that four times at four different high schools all in the span of about two years. This sounds like torture to anyone who has ever attended high school, and trust me, it is. My mother losing her job instigated this almost nomadic movement from high school to high school. As a single mother of three, my mom had no other options. In a scramble for income we immediately left San Ramon. From then on we rented houses in an effort to live closer to my mom's new job. Unlike her former stay-at-home job, this job almost completely dominated my mom's time.
Babysitting and cooking dinner for my younger siblings was suddenly my job. This was never actually delegated to me but it was definitely implied. Family took priority above any commitments, school or otherwise, I may have had. School issues were also my responsibility. I was dropped off and told to enroll and deal with the school's administration myself. Constant moves caused many problems with transferring grades and enrolling in classes that I had to handle. In my old life, I would have complained to my mom to see if she could help, but this wasn't an option anymore. I was tempted to be bitter about my situation and blame my mom or her company, but that would not have been deserved; it was no one's fault. Instead I depended on myself and tried to make the best of things.
When my most of my summers were spent in the process of moving, preventing me from participating in activities like a job, I took a college course online. When some of the AP classes I wanted to enroll in were full, I devoted myself to my other classes to maintain a competitive GPA. Transferring schools actually helped me get ahead in math once. I was accidentally placed in Calculus, a year ahead of my actual level, but caught up with the course in a few weeks.
Being the "new kid" so many times may have actually helped prepare me for college. I am more accepting of change and am used to being in a new environment. I believe that I will be able to quickly transition into college life as I am well versed in making friends and connecting with a wide variety of people. But the most important thing I gained from moving is independence. Teens usually equate independence as the freedom to do whatever they want. In reality it has more to do with relying on yourself and taking responsibility of your own life. This is what I was required to do to get through my early high school years. And although I am glad to have learned something from those chaotic years, I can't wait to spend the next four years at the same school.
Hey!! I think your essay is great!
My suggestions are the following:
-I think you could see to add more commas before cunjunctions like "but" in order to clarify some sentences.
-Also, you could improve the organization by making each paragraph reach a different sub-point.
-Finally, I would include a sentence summing up the whole point of the essay in the first paragraph: to say where you're going with all your description of your experience. (For example, saying what you learned, or something like that...)
Good luck with your applications!!!
As I start to read this, I love every sentence. Each time I think to criticize something, I have to stop because it flows along with a great quality... but when I get to the end of the first paragraph, it ends in a way that does not make a strong impression on my mind:
Unlike her former stay-at-home job, this job almost completely dominated my mom's time. I think it is best to add a thesis statement after this. Make it a sentence that tells the reader the main idea of the whole essay. Do that, and the whole thing will be more powerful and poignant.
I was accidentally placed in Calculus, a year ahead of my actual level, but caught up with the course in a few weeks. --This sounds like an excellent, fascinating theme for an essay. I would like it if you wrote more about it in this onr in some other essay. That is really impressive and interesting!!
