The prompt is:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Moving back to the States from Afghanistan was a jarring transition, to say the least. Back in Afghanistan, my father was a high-ranking government official. We never had any financial problems, we were surrounded by a loving family, I had many friends, and life was carefree.
In the United States, my father was unemployed for 18 months. We hit official poverty lines, moved to a tiny apartment, ate the absolute worst meals "cooked" (more like boiling everything) by my father, and always had a tight budget. It's true that I lost everything, my crazy friends, my happy cousins, playing soccer on dirt streets every night, and just losing my Afghanistan. I didn't even end up in a glamorous city in the US, just Virginia. I couldn't connect well with the students in the US because of cultural differences. I had friends, not as many as I'd hope to. The feeling of loss and disillusionment was beginning to take its toll on my personality. I wasn't sad or depressed. I was just a little angry. The 100 degree weather in July wasn't helping either.
Through all of that, I began to grow an affinity for money. I thought that money was the root of all my problems (which was at the time). One day I Googled "how to make money online" and the results had me instantly hooked. After sifting through all the get-rich quick schemes, I was starting to find quality, viable business models that a person with grit and hard-determination could pull off. So I researched, and researched, and researched. I slowly started implementing one of the business models, the classic website.
I won't bore you with the details, but it was a grueling, long, grind. For seven months I toiled behind the glow of my computer screen every day after-school, for hours at a time. For seven months, I didn't see a single penny.
And the money came. I reinvested a quarter, gave a quarter to my father, saved a quarter of the money, and splurged with the last quarter. I bought phones, clothes, shoes, everything a materialistic teenager would buy.
I'd like to say I had a sudden revelation one night, but it was more like a long, painful realization that money wasn't the Holy Grail I had hoped it would be. All the new clothes didn't help the bullying in 7th period or solve the lonely Saturday nights.
Moving to California was the best thing that happened to me. It was a fresh start, something I could work with. I joined clubs at my school, found a group of people to play soccer with (something I dearly missed), volunteered at my local mosque every Thursday, and started going to the gym later on.
I found friends, real friends. Ones that didn't hang around just because I had a little pocket change. I connected with other Afghans in the area, which everyone though were my cousins. For the first time after a long time, going to school was enjoyable. My hilarious English teacher always brightened my day.
True, I don't have as much time these days for my business and my income is dropping, but I have something better. I have my crazy friends, my happy cousins, I have my Friday nights playing soccer, and I have my family. And that's something money can't buy.
In the United States, my father was unemployed for 18eighteen months. We hit official poverty lines, moved to a tiny apartment, ate the absolute worst meals "cooked" (more like boiling everything) by my father(Sounds awkward) , and always had a tight budget. It's true that I lost everything,: my crazy friends, my happy cousins, playing soccer on dirt streets every night, and just losing my Afghanistan (Are you talking about the culture? The scenery?)(Move this bolded sentence after the sentence about not having as many friends as you hoped) . I didn't even end up in a glamorous city in the US, just (Add in city here) Virginia.
The 100 degree weather in July wasn't helping either.(This part doesn't seem relevant)
I thought that money was the root of all my problems (which was at the time) .
... I was starting to findfound quality, viable business models ...
I joined clubs at my school, found a group of people to play soccer with (something I dearly missed), volunteered at my local mosque every Thursday, and started going to the gym later on.
I found friends, real friends. Oo nes that didn't hang around ...
I have my crazy friends, my happy cousins, I have my Friday nightsplaying soccer on Friday nights , and I have my family.
The most interesting parts of your story seem to be the parts that you are summarizing. Don't just tell us that you realized that money wasn't all it's cracked up to be. Give more details on that. Additionally, it would be interesting to hear more about what made California so great and what you learned or did to get to that point. It sounds like most of your learning and growing happened in these two parts, so don't glaze over them.
Hi Charlie, I would like to help out with the first and second paragraph enhancement of your essay.
First paragraph
- Moving back to the United States from
2nd paragraph
- However, in the United States, my father was unemployed for 18 months.
- and just losing my Afghanistan nature .
There you have it Charlie, as you can see, the remarks are minor as your essay has the potential of a good one, however,
your words needs to be changed into more formal one, it's not bad to be creative at all but it will help if you add
good word choice that would lead your next sentences to a valuable essay that answers the prompt.
Now, in your revision, I hope you follow though with the corrections we made here on EF and should you need further assistance we will be here for you.
