Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
After third grade, my parents sent me to California to live with my grandma and uncle. I haven't seen them since I was four, so they were like strangers to me. At first, I didn't know why I had to move to California. Moreover, I barely know any of my family members there. It was like leaving everything I have accomplished behind, never looking back at them ever again. I had to adopt to my new environment and start my life all over again. I was really frightened when I found out that I was moving. I was going to lose all of my great friends and the home that I had so much memories of. Worst of all, I never knew what it was going to be like in California. Leaving your parents behind and going to another state to live with someone who you don't know might be intimidating, but you will quickly learn how to adjust to new lifestyles and accomplish new challenges along the way.
Later on, I found out the reason I was sent to california was because I had to take care of my grandma. She was getting too weak and fragile, due to her old age. Not only I had to take care of her, I also had to take care of myself. While living with them, it was my soul responsibility to help around the house as much as I can. The role that I had in the house have given me various challenges along the way, and I have learned countless valuable lesson while going through those challenges. At the beginning, I was always sad and always sitting alone by myself. It took me a long time to get used to everything. When times are hard, I would tell myself that this is how life is and that I would only get stronger after this.
Making new friends is the hardest challenge for me, being the shy person I am. At recess, I would walk sadly around the playground, while watching other kids having the best times of their life. I always assume that everyone have their own group of friends and that no one would need me to be their friend. In fact, I never knew how wrong I was, until someone came up to me and asked if I wanted to play. After that day, I became more social in school, and I made more friends than I realized. This became my most wonderful moment of my life, the feeling of knowing you have a friend there for you and that you are never alone again.
While living with my grandma, I would go with her when she sees her physicians. Watching the physicians doing their job have shaped my dreams and aspirations.
Hello, I found a grammar error here:
After third grade, my parents sent me to California to live with my grandma and uncle. I haven't hadn't seen ...
I also suggest using a very interesting sentence at the beginning of the first paragraph. Try not to explain too much. Instead, let the reader figure some things out on her/his own.
I really like the last sentence of the first paragraph. Now I suggest adding a sentence to the beginning of that paragraph, and make it a sentence that tells the most important idea you want to communicate to the reader. It seems that you had confusion, challenges, and fulfillment because of doing something meaningful and important. This is a great theme. What is one word that perfectly expresses the idea of this essay? Think of a word that is perfect for naming or describing the single most important insight/idea shared in this essay.
Make sure you keep time indicators consistent! Example: While living with my grandma, I would go with her when she sees her physicians. should be While living with my grandma, I would go with her when she saw her physicians. I would work through each sentence and make sure everything agrees.
As a personal statement, I suggest you to work on it to make it more specific about you. This is a little too ordinary for such a thing. The idea is good, but you need to develop it more. Exaggerate some parts, eliminate the others.
There are some grammatical errors I would like to mention :
1. I haven't seen them since I was four, so they were like strangers to me (when did you see them again? when you say they (were) means you saw them some time after. Did you?)
2. Moreover, I barely know -knew- any of my family members there.
3. adopt is wrong. You should use adapt.
4. Later on, I found out the reason I was sent to california was because I had to take care of my grandma. - Later on, I fount out the reason I was sent to California: I had to take care of my grandma (you should not use reason and because in a sentence.
5. to help around the house as much as I can. -could-
6. I had in the house have given -gave- me various challenges along the way,
7. I always assume that everyone have their own group of friends and that no one would need me to be their friend. (is this past tense? if yes, it is wrong :D)
8. became more social -sociable- in school
The last sentence does not match the rest of the essay. It is a perfect idea to mention it, but you really need to elaborate on it.
It was like leaving everything I have accomplished behind, never looking back at them ever again. I had to adopt to my new environment and start my life all over again. I was really frightened when I found out that I was moving. I was going to lose all of my great friends and the home that I had so much memories of. Worst of all, I never knew what it was going to be like in California. Leaving your parents behind and going to another state to live with someone who you don't know might be intimidating, but you will quickly learn how to adjust to new lifestyles and accomplish new challenges along the way.
Hey, i feel like these sentences sound repetitive. you are constantly saying that you have to leave everything behind and start to adept to a new environment. Maybe you can explain the differences between your previous environment and current environment, explain what are the things you had before you move and what are the things you wish you could bring together when you move to Cali.
