Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I moved around a lot throughout my childhood. It was always one adventure after another. I have lived in three cities around Northern California (San Jose, Livermore, and my current city, ____). These cities are so distinct and I adapted to each one with a different approach. I determined that with each new city, there was another lifestyle.
I admit that moving really bothered me. Going to six different schools wasn't easy for me. I was already a shy child, and each move was incredibly hard. As I would finally find my place within one school, I would have to pack up and leave my past behind. I later realized that maybe moving around was a beneficial action for myself as a person. I had an opportunity that many others did not have growing up. Every move that my parents made was always for the best of the family as a whole. They always wanted us to go to the best schools and grow up in safe neighborhoods. They aimed to protect my brother, sister, and myself from environments that weren't conducive to higher education.
I felt that after each move, I adapted almost immediately to my surroundings. I made friends very quickly. I grew up quickly, much faster than most of my classmates because I was constantly seeking out the things that I wanted and needed so badly. I had to be independent. With each move, I got better at engaging in conversation and I had learned how to connect with people from an early age. I understood that if I were to make the best out of each situation, I would have to find friends for myself. I constantly shifted from group to group throughout my freshman and sophomore years of high school. I realized that my classmates were not always the same people they appeared to be at school. Most had put up a façade. I was quickly reminded of this as I entered high school. I gave every person a chance, but I knew that befriending someone so negatively influential would have an adverse affect on my studies and on me as a person. The friends I made in high school are those who are a positive influence in the classroom, as well as outside of the classroom.
I'm most proud of the fact that I sought out friends who share the same values as I do, and that I stayed so strong to my morals throughout high school. My grades never slipped and I kept focused on my schoolwork through the environmental transitions. As introverted as I am, it would have been easy to stay in the first group of friends I ate lunch with freshman year. I could have assimilated to their way of life, their way of thinking, but I didn't. I knew what kind of friends I wanted since the beginning. I know that if I surround myself by people who have similar goals, that I will be even more willing to achieve them. I want the best for myself, academically and generally, and I will do whatever it takes to achieve goals that I have set for myself since I was young. I now know that nothing comes easy and that if I want something, I will try to get it because no one else will do it for me. I feel like I have learned how to do this because my parents sacrificed so much for my siblings and I, but they knew that in the long run, moving was the best option. I understand that nothing comes easy and that not having friends for a few days was less important than staying strong academically. I don't know what I would be doing if my parents hadn't instilled these ideas into my life and if they hadn't showed me what was truly meaningful.
Overall, I thought it was a good essay. I just have one quick correction. In the 11th sentence of the 3rd paragraph, "...influential would have an adverse affect ..." Affect should be spelled effect; affect is a verb, whereas this sentence calls for a noun. Again, other than that, it was a well written and focused essay.
I'd rather have it be this way: I understood that to make the best out of each situation I would have to find friends for myself. ----no commas, just straightforward and succinct.
Well, all the writing is very good, and I cannot find any that I would want you to omit, but I do think the essay has to be more focused. What is the main message you want to give to the reader? What do you want the reader to remember? I see that you described a different concept with each paragraph, but ask yourself which paragraph you could cut without detracting from the main idea. Let's try to tighten up the focus. Add a few sentences that express a secondary theme of the essay.
Secondary Theme?
"Moving" is the theme, but what other word can also be used as a theme... a word that captures the insight you are describing in the essay. I see that you did a good job of answering their question about what makes you proud... I just think there is room to compound the theme. That means you can add another theme to make this complex and meaningful. Can you think of a "magic word" that is perfect to name the secondary theme?
