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'Moving away and going to college' - Stanford Roommate Letter

pringles 6 / 36  
Dec 30, 2011   #1
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better. Character limit: 2000

Dear roommate,
I'm excited to meet you! Moving away and going to college is a big change and I hope we can get through it together. Since we are going to be spending a lot of time together, there are some things that you should know about me.

First and foremost, I am a pretty calm and laidback person. So if you have some quirks that you're concerned about, don't worry, everything will be fine. When you first meet me, you'll probably think I'm quiet, but trust me that will disappear very soon. When we get past our initial awkwardness, you'll see very quickly that I like to talk a lot. Technology, politics, current events, I'll talk about anything really! I love debating and discussing different viewpoints. If you want to talk about something, I'm here to listen too. Everybody tells me I'm great at giving advice so don't be shy. I'm also almost an obsessive thinker. At any moment of any day, you can be sure that there is something brewing within my mind whether it be as simple as what I'm eating for dinner or as complicated as the meaning of the existence of the Higgs Boson.

Another thing you should know is that I'm a big sports guy. Football and Basketball are my favorites, but I keep up with all sports. When the big game is on T.V., I might go a little crazy when my team scores, but I'll try to keep the volume down if you want me to. If you aren't a fan, I hope you become one as we spend time together. It would be great to watch games together!

One last thing, I am usually a neat person but when I'm working or deep in thought, cleanliness is the last thing on my mind. Also, I like to take things apart if it's broken or if I'm bored. So don't be alarmed if you come back to the dorm one night and you see that the floor is covered in computer parts or the pieces to what used to be a radio. I actually hope you'll decide to join me!

All in all, I'm pretty easy to get along with and I'm really looking forward to a great year with you! See you then!

Any help will be appreciated! Be as harsh as you need to. All critical criticism is welcome. I'll be glad to help anybody out who asks too
soshifan 2 / 6  
Dec 30, 2011   #2
I think that this letter really shows your personality. I like how you mentioned that you are a sports guy because stanford puts a huge emphasis on sports.

I think that this letter is great, but you can show a little more flare in your writing. Talk more like how you would talk to your friends.

From what I can comprehend, you are a sports fan, a curious, friendly, and organized person.

please help me on my cornell supplement. Thanks!
angelserenite 9 / 14  
Dec 30, 2011   #3
Your essay is very expected. It is not grasping the reader's attention nor is it giving a part of you. I want to know you when I read this. Instead of listing what you like and etc, try to be creative! It's okay to let some of your personality shine. The readers aren't expecting typical nerds without lives who constantly study and have no study life. :)

You can read my Stanford roommate essay for some ideas if you'd like :) I'd appreciate it if you read my Stanford intellectual development essay that I'm putting up right now :) Good luck!
OP pringles 6 / 36  
Dec 31, 2011   #4
Would you consider rewriting this completely then?
angelserenite 9 / 14  
Dec 31, 2011   #5
The basis, such as your passion for sports and etc, I'd keep. If you have time, I'd definitely try to write another one. Or you can improve upon it, but it'll be basically adding and subtracting quite a lot.

In your essay, try to show who you are. Since I don't know you, give me some examples of who you are. Let your personality shine through. If you're sarcastic, I'd like to see that. If you joke a lot, crack a joke! :)
OP pringles 6 / 36  
Dec 31, 2011   #6
Thanks for all the criticism! This is my rewrite, I took a more light angle in this one. Tell me what yall think!

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better. Character limit: 2000

Dear roommate,

Since we are going to be spending quite a bit of time together, I want to introduce myself. I would like to tell you that I'm always neat and organized. I would like to tell you that I was the coolest guy in my high school and excel at every sport known to man. I would like to tell you that I am a master at every instrument ever invented. I would LOVE to tell you that I got all the girls while growing up. I would like to tell you all of those things, but unfortunately I'd be lying.

What I can tell you is that I'm a little weird. I sit on the floor when chairs are readily available. I can only watch T.V. if the volume is an even number or a multiple of five. When I'm watching my beloved Houston Texans lose, my level of speech goes from advanced twelfth grader to grumbling caveman. I could list many other things but I don't want to alarm you too much. You'll find out the rest soon enough. But don't be too worried! I promise that even with all my quirks and odd idiosyncrasies I'm a good roommate! If you're ever having any problems with a friend or class, you've come to the right man. I'm a great listener. If school is the problem, I'll help you in any way that I can. If that means staying up into the wee hours of the morning helping you cram for a test, so be it. Also, I'm fun to talk to. I love debating and discussing things as light as my favorite music artist to things as serious as the existence of the Higgs Boson.

I hope we become friends quickly! It would be cool to room with somebody that I can hang out with. We could watch sports on T.V. together! Don't bother saving me a seat though; I'll probably end up sitting on the floor anyways. And after I set the volume to a nice even number, we can both transform into cavemen together. And if you don't like sports, I hope you'll change your mind as the year progresses.

I'm really looking forward to meeting you! I hope you aren't bummed out by having a weird roommate. Just remember, normal is boring.
BigBoob15 4 / 17  
Dec 31, 2011   #7
I like it but I think there were better things stated in the original than in the rewrite.
OP pringles 6 / 36  
Dec 31, 2011   #8
That's what I was thinking too. I wanted to show more voice but that ended up taking a lot of my writing room away.

I'm not sure whether to go with structure with less substance or a more obvious structure and more substance
OP pringles 6 / 36  
Dec 31, 2011   #9
Could you all help me choose between which one i should go with or if i should do a third draft?
ricka123 5 / 13  
Dec 31, 2011   #10
I think you should do a third draft. I wrote plenty of drafts for my essays. Good Luck!
ehrohrer 1 / 3  
Dec 31, 2011   #11
I loved your introduction and conclusion to the second essay. You could shorten down the intro some since you start every sentence with "I wish I could tell you..."

Since we are going to be spending quite a bit of time together, I want to introduce myself. I wish I could tell you I'm neat and organized, was the coolest guy in high school, excel at every sport and instrument known to man, and get all of the girls, but if I did, unfortunately, I'd be lying.

I like how your first essay talks about specific aspects of your personality (sports, taking things apart, etc), but it sounds almost as if your talking up to them. Your second essay has a much friendlier and casual tone, but it seems as if your just listing things.

I think that you should use the structure first essay, but tone and topic of your second essay. Pick 2 or 3 of the things you mentioned in your second essay and elaborate on them. Why is it that you chose to sit on the floor? You say you'll be helpful, do you already stay up late helping your friends cram? What is it about debating that you love?

Hope this helps!
DrunkLurker 4 / 18  
Dec 31, 2011   #12
IMO, you should do a third draft, keeping the style between two first versions but closer to the very first.
deremifri 9 / 137  
Dec 31, 2011   #13
The thing about your essay is that the introduction which is vry interesting does not match what you are writing in the next paragraphes.
So, although the inroduction and the rest is great on its own, they do not work together.
You should focus more on your change.
You can make a really good essay.

I would be glad if you could review my essay.
OP pringles 6 / 36  
Dec 31, 2011   #14
I see what your talking about
What change are you referring to deremifri?
and which essay of yours would you like me to look at?
ashatan 4 / 25  
Dec 31, 2011   #15
The last version is much better, and makes you out to be an interesting person. the 'got all the girls' part is a bit excessive, and makes it seem like that's one of your priorities over say, intellectual vitality. I would substitute that with something else. Other than that, it's great, and definitely shows your personality. Good luck!
OP pringles 6 / 36  
Dec 31, 2011   #16
So keep the introduction? or completely change it?
Does it flow with the rest of the essay?
silentspring 12 / 58  
Dec 31, 2011   #17
I really like your essay. The tone is so sincere. Revise yours and post it up here and again. I will then pick out the grammar errors.
insanesoul81994 10 / 30  
Dec 31, 2011   #18
I personally don't think the introduction you used is necessary. Otherwise, you did a great job showing your personality through the rest of the essay!
roz - / 1  
Jan 1, 2012   #19
I learned that I'm not the only person in the world that likes volume on even numbers or multiples of five! and I agree, normal is raather boring. [this is to improve your written-out mood ;)]

I haven't exactly figured out what should be said to this prompt but you have successfully conveyed a lot about who you are and I think this is the main point.

Your intro flows nicely in the second draft but doesn't fit very well with the second one. The second sounds slightly more conversational and the second is more ordered. I'd say pick which voice you like better and and either re-write the intro for the third or perfect the second. good luck!
Chelo 5 / 13  
Jan 1, 2012   #20
You did a great job, I like your essay you showed your personality quite well

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