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Moving from Chinatown to So Cal - prompt #1.


FireTiger 8 / 49  
Nov 26, 2009   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

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Community:

I want to talk about how moving from a not so ethnically-diverse place (Chinatown) to a more diverse place (somewhere in So Cal) has given me broader sense of the world, and given me ways to look at things from different angles, which will be necessary to become an engineer.

I want to do it in a way that will actually get people genuinely interested, and not just skim through the paper like they do with everyone else's.

Maybe metaphorical and/or third person and/or just unique somehow? Yet professional.

Any suggestions for structure, flow, and/or beginning sentences?
anjello 1 / 18  
Nov 26, 2009   #2
Why don't you begin with a story.
Then describe the move
and end with why you want to be an engineer

without seeing a draft I can't really help
OP FireTiger 8 / 49  
Nov 26, 2009   #3
I don't really remember much about the move because I was so young at the time. I want to focus on the shift, the shattering of one community as I knew it and then the beginning of another.

I guess I could do a narrative and then reflect, but that seems so typical.. is there any way I could make it more original?

By the way, I'm aiming for about 300-400 words. Maybe 400-500 if necessary.

So far I have:

"We're moving."
How could a naïve first grader understand the significance of these few words? Little did I know that my entire community as I knew it would change dramatically.

...

[By the way I hate this second sentence, it has the concept but it doesn't have at all the power that I envisioned it to have, can anyone help?] :/

or

A little girl is playing with her friends. She is pulled aside, and her mother tells her something that she is too young to fully understand. ...
jeffliwin 3 / 8  
Nov 26, 2009   #4
How about:

"We're Moving". It's amazing to see how two words can bring about such a drastic change, in my environment, in my life. These two little words... fhlkdashflk

try something

just write, until u can get something you think is okay. I wrote at least 5 essays, until I wrote my final in a few minutes. Write an essay, and have people critique that

Hope this helps
OP FireTiger 8 / 49  
Nov 26, 2009   #5
Okay. Thanks.

I'll go with the 'we're moving' one then. And yeah it's hard for me because im used to just writing one essay from top to bottom.

Do you think you could check this one out as well, if you have time?

And I do have something written for that one so it is able to be critiqued :)
anjello 1 / 18  
Nov 27, 2009   #6
I agree with Jeff
just write until you see something that you liked
I wrote about 6 drafts of my prompt 1. Keep writing and asking people to critique. you'll be amazed at how much better your last one is from your first one.


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