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"Moving from New York City, I had trouble" - Boston University Supplement


iniguezk 3 / 4  
Aug 28, 2011   #1
Any help or revisions would be aprreciated!

Essay 1

Question: In a few sentences, please tell us why BU is a good fit for you and what specifically has led you to apply for admission?

Answer:Moving from New York City, I had trouble adjusting to west suburban Massachusetts and thought the last three years of my high school career were going to be absolutely dreadful. This was until I discovered my true purpose for moving to Massachusetts. My purpose for moving to Massachusetts was to discover Boston University.I recently took my first tour of Boston University just a few months ago and immediately knew; there couldn't be a better college for me. Not only did it impress me with its beautiful building and classrooms, but also as the education being offered. A very close friend of mine, whom is currently attending Boston University, granted me with the privilege of a personal tour of the campus as well as to view a cultivation of her old freshman coursework, I immediately fell in love with topics being discussed and how students were taught to adapt to Boston University's environment. Being a minority, I felt like if I was right at home throughout my personal tour for how well diversity plays into Boston University. By attending Boston University, I believe I will truly be prepared for what fate has in stock for me.
jtorres89 1 / 1  
Aug 28, 2011   #2
Hi Kris,

I'd be delighted to offer my advice on your essay. Overall the essay is good, I didn't notice much but a few minor grammatical changes.

1. Not only was I impressed by the university's beautiful buildings and classrooms. (You can also shorten this by just saying architecture. It sound better in my opinion.

2. whom is currently attending Boston University, grantedme the privilege of a personal tour of the campus, as well as the opportunity to view a cultivation of her old freshman coursework. I immediately....

3. Being a minority, I felt as if

If you could do me a favor and perhaps post a reply to my essay I would greatly appreciate it. Good luck with BU and thanks.
amvtop10 1 / 3  
Aug 28, 2011   #3
Hello,

I hope my answer is not usuless and meaingless because I do not want to be ban, but I need to answer questions before I can post a thread again.

Anyways, I thought your essay was really good and I didn't really find any grammar issue in my opinion. It flowed very nicely and easy to understand.

"whom is currently attending Boston University, granted me with the privilege of a personal tour of the campus as well as to view a cultivation of her old freshman coursework."

sounds fine. However, someone said

"whom is currently attending Boston University, grantedme the privilege of a personal tour of the campus, as well as the opportunity to view a cultivation of her old freshman coursework. I immediately...."

sounds better.

In my opinion, it is fine. Just add the opportunity part is fine. I think privilege is unnecessary.
birdslapper 2 / 2  
Aug 29, 2011   #4
Hey,

Okay so couple of things, I would get rid of this

"This was until I discovered my true purpose for moving to Massachusetts. My purpose for moving to Massachusetts was to discover Boston University."

The main reason why is because this isn't your purpose of moving, it was probably parent related or something. Switch up your sentence a bit.

Moving from New York City, I had trouble adjusting to west suburban Massachusetts and thought the last three years of my high school career were going to be absolutely dreadful. Until recently a friend from BU introduced me to Boston University, I was able to experience first hand the vast variety of culture that the university portrayed....and so on. Not the right word play but you get what I mean.

With these type of essays they want you to say something more than what your getting at, make it specific. Like the golden arches of the bucknill (made that up) hall glazed off the sun into my cranium and urged my desire to grow. Mention a particular building rather than just being vague, this will prove you have seen the university and you have done a bit of research. Whatever your major is, include a bit of it. Like Boston University has strains of the deadliest viruses known to man such as ebola, boston university will train me in the most dangerous of fields that other colleges just can't live up too. Just a arbitrary sentence.

You have little bit of a basis of your essay, but make sure to include something specific and include why do you want to study there. Any student can put forth diversity but add a little academic substance and you will be fine. Hope this helps.


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