hi. I'm applying to undergrad school and wrote an essay if anyone could review it for me.
MOVING TO ANOTHER COUNTRY
Moving from one place to another allows you to experience many new aspects of life, however, moving from one country to another is a life changing experience. Many people immigrate to have a better living, yet some move to explore new opportunities. I could relate to all of those people who moved to a new country to explore more about themselves and to explore more opportunities as well. I, along with my family, moved to United States few years ago. it was not easy for us to leave everything behind and head towards a fresh new start. It was hard to leave the place where I spent my childhood and leave my friends was not something that I was willing to give away, but, In the end, God had better plans for me. Every immigrant has different experiences and when they move to a new country. For instance, different curriculum and language barrier are the most important one that I encountered.
The biggest difference that I encountered upon arriving in United States was my own prejudice. I thought Americans interacted the way it is shown in movies. I was surprised to see that they are just like people in Pakistan with values and cultures. Another difference that I faced was schooling system in United States. I do not remember talking to any female students throughout my high school in Pakistan. Most of the schools are same sex in Pakistan. While American schools are based on co-education which is why I did not have core group of friends during my first year of college. As time passed, I grew into the American culture and became more comfortable with others.
Communicating in English is a crucial requirement in order to live in the United States. I came from a background where English was taught as a secondary language. I finished college in Pakistan before I moved to United States. Life was complicated during the transition stage when I was learning to acclimatize to a new language, culture, and customs. I started off as an ESL student and built up my confidence to interact with people. I would be quiet most of the so that people would not make fun of me. At one point, I felt like it was my weakness and I felt like it was holding me back from expressing myself. I talked to my teachers and they helped me to boost my confidence.
At the end, people move from one place to another to explore more opportunities, yet it takes a lot of effort and sacrifices to stand firm and make moves. It was one of the toughest decision for my family and I, yet turn into the best decision of our life. It feels like a home now and we all are on our track to achieve our goals. I am currently in a community college and planning to transfer to a university for better education. I could not have imagined a better living and better education anywhere else in the world than United States and I strongly believe that dreams do come true in this land.
1. Perhaps adding a topic sentence to your first paragraoh or even an entire introductory paragraph would make the topic of you writing more clear
2. "Thus, it will be an opportunity to develop your opinion about a new society."
3. "I, along with my family..."
4. "It was not easy for us to leave everything behind and move towards a fresh new start."
5. "...and leaving all my friends was not something that I was willing to give away."
6. "...finding a job ..."
7. "I started off as a waiter at a local restaurant"
8. You might want to consider adding a concluding paragraph, summarizing your writing and maybe extending on to your future aspirations in America.
Could you tell us what the essay topic was, or what the application told you specifically to write about?
Tj im writing about my experience when i moved to US. Application does not specify any topic, its topic of your own choice.
Thanks Alex ill look into that. i updated it. What do you think now. im still working on my conclusion.
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Hi Ehsan, the essay that you developed is for a personal statement right? As such, the story that you present about what you learned upon migrating to the United States is really an interesting story. You have shown the difficulties that one faces when he moves from his mother country to another country where everything he knew about life, culture, and traditions, contradict his own. the fact that ryou were able to successfully adjust to American life is a plus factor for you and show the kind of adaptable personality you have. Being adaptable is a good trait in a college student because you will have the ability to adjust to your college campus life as the need arises.
I don't really see a need for the current second paragraph in your essay. It seems to only be a rehash of the opening statement that made. The way I read your essay, I felt like it would create a better impact and a stronger expression in your statement if you go from the introduction then straight to your next paragraph that starts with"The biggest difference that I encountered upon arriving at United States was my own prejudice.". I firmly believe that by doing that, your essay will become more interesting to read because you do not waste time creating the backstory for your essay.
hey Louisa i really appreciate for the time you took and highlighted my mistakes.
on my second paragraph, i was trying to explain the culture difference that i faced upon arriving in US.
i fixed the last paragraph. what do you think now?
Hi Ehsan, now tha tyou have told me what you were trying to accomplish in the second paragraph, I can see why you would consider it important to the essay. If you want to retain it, you will just need to modify the presentation of the statement. Instead of making it a general kind of statement presentation, why don't you make it more personal in perspective? Use a first person point of view when you present this information so that it will gain more relevance in terms of relating to your life experiences.
Please let me help you fix the last paragraph. While the statement itself has become more definite and presents a clear idea, there are still some grammar problems that we should fix in order to make it look more smooth and read better :-)
communicating in English is a crucial requirement in order to live in the United States. I came from a background where English was taught as a secondary language. I finished my college in Pakistan before I moved to United States. Life was complicated during the transition stage when I was learning to acclimatizing myself acclimatize to a new language, culture, and customs ( When you say I was learning to acclimatizing myself, that is not only grammatically wrong, but also redundant because you already referred to yourself with an "I" at the beginning of the sentence.) . I started off as an ESL student and built up my confidence to interact with people. I was shy at first because I felt like I had a funny accent. I would be quiet most of the TIME so that people wont WOULD NOT make fun of me. At one point, it became my I FELT LIKE IT WAS MY weakness and I felt like it s WAS holding me back from expressing myself. I talked to my teachers and they all rally helped me and TOboost my confidence.
One last note Ehsan, the last paragraph that you wrote feels like it needs a concluding paragraph. Maybe a simple 3 sentence paragraph in order to close the essay. You can talk about how much your life has become better because of your life experiences and the lessons that you learned or something. Just to properly close it out :-)
Thank you so much lousia. im still working on my conclusion please review it if you have some time. yhanks again.
Ehsan, why don't you try to end the essay on a more positive note than you have now? The way your conclusion sounds at the moment, it seems like you are proud of your achievement, but could add a little bit more to it in order to give it a stronger finish. Tell us what your life is like now that you have adjusted to live in the United States. You really need to add a paragraph about the extent of your assimilation into the American culture at present because it is sorely under represented in the current essay.
You can discuss more about how you adjusted to school life, how your family is now more comfortable with living in America and anything else that will prove how well you have managed to blend into the melting pot culture of America. Perhaps you can sway something about how you now feel just as much as Pakistani as you feel you are also an American then explain how and why that happened for you. By delving into discussions such as those in the essay, no matter how short, you will better assert the validity and logic behind your claim that moving to another country be a really life changing experience :-)
... to experience many new aspects in life; however, moving from ...
Many people immigrate to have a better life, yet some move ...
It was not easy for us ...
... but in the end, God (mentioning religion might be controversial) had better plans for me.
- This paragraph doesn't flow well since you seem to repeat a lot of things.
The biggest difference obstacle that I encountered upon arriving in the ...
Another difference obstacle that I faced was ...
I do not remember talking to any female students throughout my during high school in Pakistan.
- "While American schools are based on co-education which is why I did not have core group of friends during my first year of college." - where is the rest of the sentence?
- how did you assimilate and become more comfortable?
Communicating in English is a crucial ...
... helped me to boost my confidence.
- The sentences sound very awkward. Expand on how your teachers helped. What did you do to boost your confidence?
At the end, people move from one place to another to explore more opportunities (you said this in the first paragraph, reword it), yet it takes a lot of effort and sacrifices to stand firm and make moves (make moves? what are you trying to say?)
- This paragraph sounds awkward as well. What are you trying to say? Also, what is the prompt?
... to experience many new aspects of life,; however, moving from one country ...
Many people immigrate to haveOBTAIN a better livingLIFE , yet some moveMIGRATIONIN ORDER to explore new opportunities.
... moved to a new country to exploreFOR EXPLORINGmore about themselves MORE and to explore more opportunities as well. Every immigrant has different experiences and when they move to a new country. For instance,SUCH AS the culture shock, finding means to earn livingJOB and language barrier.
