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'Moving to the United States' - GEORGIA TECH


pouriah 2 / 2  
Sep 16, 2011   #1
The limit is 1000 characters. I was hoping you could help me with any errors you see or any change in wording that needs to be done. Thank you!

Why are you interested in attending Georgia Tech and what do you hope to contribute to our community?

Moving to the United States gave me a rare opportunity which many people long for. I was given this great opportunity at a young age, and am still working hard to take advantage of these circumstances to their full potential. Realizing that my parents gave up everything they had and submitted to working constantly in order to give me this opportunity, is what fuels me to move forward and strive for success. I am interested in Georgia Tech because of the opportunities which will be available to help me reach my goal. In return for the privilege of education, I plan on contributing everything I have to the community, whether it's supporting the teams, helping with fundraisers, or participating in extracurricular activities. I hope that Georgia Tech and I, as well as the faculty and students, can bring the best out of each other through communication and cooperation.

alexiellen 1 / 10  
Sep 16, 2011   #2
synonym for opportunities.
Be more specific on where you came from/what your family has been through
EX: "my parents gave up everything they had in our former country and submitted to working twelve hour shifts, six days a week in order to give me the educational and career oriented opportunities they believe I deserved.." or something like that. You've gotta make them feel for you and know you've been subjected to the real world.
chadbinghay 4 / 6  
Sep 16, 2011   #3
Moving to the United States gave me a rare opportunity which many people long for Don't end a formal essay in a preposition :)
crackhamster 5 / 10  
Oct 2, 2011   #4
i think you have a good focused idea, but could edit some of the sentences to flow better such as "I was given this great opportunity at a young age, and am still working hard to take advantage of these circumstances to their full potential." In my opinion its too wordy and could be shortened down. From what I understand the short essay is suppose to be very direct, but impactful. But what do I know im only a senior in high school :P.


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