Hey guys
I have to write a college app essay on a person who influenced me and i wrote it on my freshman year teacher. However, I'am having a lot of trouble expressing myself in this essay. I'am feeling very hopeless at this point. I would really appreciate some tips :)
Speaking Up
I vividly remember my first day in teen leadership class. I had never heard of such a class and wondered what I would learn in there. Since it was my first day at the school, I was guided by a student aide to my new classroom. As I entered the class, my heart began to pound in my chest. Twenty pairs of unfamiliar eyes turned to look at me and I immediately felt self-conscious. I hurried along to the teacher's desk where Mrs. Fryman was seated and handed her my schedule to explain to her that I was a new student. After examining the schedule, Mrs. Fryman looked up at me and gave me a warm smile.
I remember dreading going to her class during the first few days as I had learned that we were required to do some public speaking in that class. But it wasn't long before I started to feel at ease in her class. Mrs. Fryman was expressive, energetic and had the ability to make anyone laugh with her stories. Her infectious enthusiasm rubbed off on all her students especially on me. Having moved from a different country, I felt out of place in the school. I had left behind friends, familiar places and everything else that I had grown up with and had to start over in a whole new world. Mrs. Fryman more than any other person in the school seemed to understand what I was going through and she went out of her way to make me feel welcome in her class. She sensed that I was shy and she encouraged me every day by giving me one of her sweet smiles. Moreover, she got me to open up to my classmates by encouraging me to talk about myself. She pushed me gently to speak up more in class and participate in discussions. Public speaking had always been challenging for me, but with Mrs. Fryman's help, I slowly learned to face my fears and I began to break out of the shell that I had used to hide myself from everyone else.
At the end of the year, we had to give a speech in front of our classmates for a final grade. Although, I had spoken in class various times throughout the year, this time was different because I had to speak for a considerable amount of time. I was filled with consternation at the thought and I decided to turn to Mrs. Fryman for help. I wrote my speech and showed it to her. After reading it, Mrs. Fryman looked up to me and said, "I think you have a lot to say. Don't let anything stop you for speaking your mind". Her words had profound impact on me. I soon became determined to step out of my comfort zone and give the best speech that I could. On the day of the speech, I went up in front of my class determined to not let my fear get hold of me. I was able to give my speech but halfway through, I froze. My mouth dried up and I desperately tried to find the words to continue my speech. Then I looked up and found Mrs. Fryman face among the faces of my classmates. She smiled at me just like she had at the first day of school and I recalled what she had said to me. I cleared my throat and began speaking again, louder and more confidently. When I finished my speech, I was received with applaud from the whole classroom. After class, Mrs. Fryman pulled me and gave me hug. She made me promise to speak up more.
Now as a senior ready to go to college, when I look back at my freshman year, I'm surprised by how much I have grown as a person in just three years. A lot of that credit belongs to Mrs. Fryman. She encouraged me to believe in my own abilities and helped me overcome my fear of public speaking. Her influence on me didn't end in her class. Since then, I have become more confident in expressing my opinions in front of other people. I' am no longer the shy, awkward kid I was before I was in Mrs. Fryman's class.
I think this essay is great for describing personal growth. These are the changes I propose: mention that you moved from another country earlier in the essay, because the reader needs more background information about your situation earlier on. Also, you have a lot of short sentences that can be combined with each other to better the flow of your essay. Lastly, to make your essay longer, I would recommend writing an anecdote of a specific instance in that class that made you grow. This story should not only describe how much your teacher helped you adjust to your new environment, but include your own characteristics that helped you assimilate. This essay should focus on your own strong personality, not your teacher's, but not to the point you sound arrogant.
Whenever you have 2 complete sentences connected by a conjunction to form a compound sentence, it is good to use a comma:
Twenty pairs of unfamiliar eyes turned to look at me, and I immediately felt self-conscious.
This essay makes the reader feel good while reading it, and that is a real accomplishment. However, strictly speaking, it is boring. As stories go, this is not a page turner. It will be great if you can add more tension in the beginning by showing that something was being missed or lost... or that you were in great distress. Or you can make it more interesting by ending the first paragraph with a sentence about a particular CONCEPT that this experience makes you think of. What concept is demonstrated when a student feels empowered by a teacher? Let's give this essay an unforgettable theme.
:-)
