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"Mrs Morrow's enthusiasm"- indicating a person's influence on you- Common Application


krystalperry 1 / 2  
Oct 9, 2010   #1
I would really appreciate if someone can read my essay and help me with errors :)

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

During the end the first day of sophomore year, I remember walking into room eight-zero-one at my high school and thinking "why would the counselors give me a chorus class?" I didn't think of myself as a singer. I mean playing piano for twelve year so far has been a great experience for me and I always strived to achieve excellence in all classes, activities and group to which I belong; but singing? I can only remember singing in the shower and occasionally to my dogs.

ekim226 5 / 29  
Oct 9, 2010   #2
I mean, playing piano for twelve yearsso far has been a great experience for me and I have always strived to achieve excellence in all classes, activities and groups to which I belong (I would rephrase these last few words) ; but singing?

Also, comma after Ms. Mary Morrow (I think you can just say Ms. Morrow).

...perfect for Women's Ensemble" - the women's choir at my school.

I would take out "I was kind of pleased to know that I did not sound horrifying because that would have been really humiliating."

Try to incorporate more active and powerful verbs. And I like how your voice shows through - that's always important. :) Remember, it's about their influence on you.

Great start. :) And if you have time, I'd appreciate any advice you have about my Common App essay :)

And towards the end, you talk a lot about Ms. Morrow, but you need to connect it more to yourself.
OP krystalperry 1 / 2  
Nov 24, 2010   #3
During the end of the first day of sophomore year I remember walking into the room "eight-zero-one" at my high school and thinking "why would the counselors give me a chorus class?" I didn't think of myself as a singer. I mean, playing piano for twelve year so has been a great experience and I have always strived to achieve excellence in all classes, activities and groups to which I belong; but singing? I can only remember singing in the shower and occasionally to my dogs. As I took a seat, the chorus direction, Ms. Morrow, introduced herself and began to teach us how to read music. I found it tremendously frustrating to be in a beginning chorus class because I already knew how to read music. So the next day I returned to room "eight-zero-one" and asked her if she can give me a bit more of a challenge. She asked me "Well, can you sing?" I hesitated and replied "I am really not singer." She finally convinced me to sing "Happy Birthday" to her and I remember her exact words "You are perfect for Women's Ensemble!" - The women's choir at my school. But from there on, I was in the chorus room every chance that I was given. It was like I was in another world. I found singing very fun thanks to Ms. Morrow. She had opened so many more doors for me. The thing I found most fascinating was that she believed in me. My junior year, she helped me get over my stage fright by allowing me to sing a solo at "Winter Concert." Which was terrifying, but she helped me relax and I did well. I love to learn new things from her and she was driven by the joy of learning from us. Her determination to give her choirs the best has really shown me how much she likes to bond with her students. A lot of people take it easy, but she likes to push us and help us succeed at what we want and determine to get. Another great thing about Ms. Morrow is that she has an encyclopedia of music and literature in her head. You can ask her anything about music and she'll know it. Ms. Morrow's enthusiasm has continued to affect our choirs. Her "shoot for the moon" attitude make me want to work harder and reach for more ambitious goals. Thanks to Ms. Morrow, our Women's and Mixed choirs made it to state level competitions last year. She has given me the guidance to follow my dreams and the power to overcome anything that makes like an obstacle. I will truly miss her after graduating high school.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 5, 2010   #4
Capitalize:
...and thinking "Why would the counselors ...

This is an awesome tribute to her... sounds like she really is a great teacher.

Another great thing about Ms. Morrow is that she has an encyclopedia of music and literature in her head. You can ask her anything about music and she'll know it. ---this seems unrelated to the main idea of the essay. It is a nice detail, though... but I think you could at least make it more specific.. instead of just referring to music, it must be particular kinds of music that interest her most.

... anything that makes like an obstacle. ---This sounds strange to me, but it might just be because people don't use that expression in the region where I live. :-)

The part I found most interesting was the happy birthday part. I don't know why. But if you can find some significance in that experience, something to reflect on later in the essay, I think it will create a cool experience for the reader.

:-)


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