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Multinational student body / national diversification - personal statement


kleek 1 / -  
May 22, 2010   #1
Hello everyone,
I am writing a personal statement for a university admission, and I need some help with a sentence. I tried to change hundreds of times, and still does not sound or look right at all.

Here is the part I am struggling with:
"Another reason to seek admission is the university's multinational student body. That is very important to me because I am a representative of a foreign nation myself. "

or
"Another reason to seek admission here is the national diversification of the student population, this will make me feel more comfortable on campus since I am a representative of a foreign nation myself."

Thank you in advance to those who will help
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
May 22, 2010   #2
Hi

"Another reason to seek admission is the university's multinational student body. That is very important to me because I am a representative of a foreign nation myself. "
or
"Another reason to seek admission here is the national diversification of the student population, this will make me feel more comfortable on campus since I am a representative of a foreign nation myself."

I guess you could be struggling with the disconnect between the two sentences? Or the Another reason part, or the myself part.. anyways, here are some possible alternatives. I hope they don't skew the sentence too much:

The university's student body was another attractive factor because as a foreign student, such a diverse group of peers would definitely be a plus.

The university's diverse student body was another reason I want to attend _such_and_such_university_ because I know interacting with such a group will give me the freedom to truly learn.

Just a Question though, what's the prompt for the personal statement? If this part of the prompt fits better in context, maybe you could post the other parts too. Good luck!

Cheers~
phuocqui 3 / 5  
May 22, 2010   #3
Dear Poster,

"Another reason to seek admission is the university's multinational student body. That is very important to me because I am a representative of a foreign nation myself. " . Here is the other options for you:

Another reason which i would like to choose the University is the international environment, because i am myself a foreign student.

or

Another reason for choosing the University is the multinational environment which provide international standard campus, facility, etc, because i am myself a foreign student.

Gook look,
becnil 4 / 10  
May 28, 2010   #4
The diverse student body of this university is a strong reason for me to apply.

As an international candidate, the diversity of the student body at this university strongly appeals to me.

Hope these help a bit.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 30, 2010   #5
"Another reason to seek admission is the university's multinational student body. That is very important to me, because I am a representative of a foreign nation myself. "

I added a coma after "me," but this is a nice way to say it.

This one is a run on sentence:
"Another reason to seek admission here is the national diversification of the student population, this will make me feel more comfortable on campus since I am a representative of a foreign nation myself."

Also, diversification is a process, so that is the wrong word. Diversity is the noun that refers to a state of being diverse.

The best way, though, is to make this simple point in a few words, so that it does not tax the reader's attention and waste space, and also express yourself a little at the same time:

Also, I desire an environment full of cultural diversity -- so that we international students will be in the majority!

:-)


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