MUN delegate, George Washington University- Supplement Essay

Hey.
I was wondering if you guys can look this one over for me.
I need to work on my style as well as cutting it down. I currently have 591 words and I need 500.

Please help me!
Any comments would be GREATLY appreciated!

Attach an essay of no more than 500 words indicating what most influenced you to apply to The George Washington University (required of all applicants). If you are applying to an accelerated or special program, also explain why you are interested in this program at GW.

"According to the World Health Organization, more than 2.6 billion people-over
40% of the world's population-do not have basic sanitation, and more than one billion people still use unsafe sources of drinking water. Therefore, the Republic of Korea strongly suggests that...."

Decked out in a formal suit, and with a clipboard in hand, I present my speech concerning the genocide in Sudan. Other delegations in the Model United Nations Committee of High Commissioner of Refugees busily write notes as I propose my solution for better sanitation and protection in the refugee camps near the Chadian border.

"Sobba!" (Blessings be with you!) I burst into the room, panting from our previous soccer. I reach down to clean my dusty shoes.. until my eyes glimpse the feet of my students-bare, and caked with mud from hiking more than a kilometer through Kenya's mountains every day to school. Silently chatising myself, I commence the lesson. One and a half hour later, I dismiss my students for recess and our soccer game continues...

As I rush out of the mud hut that was my classroom, I see Jamaul huddled in a corner, his makeshift crutch flung aside. Feigning indifference to the soccer game that his friends were enjoying, he stared at the dirt floor trying not to make his yearning to run with his friends and his anger at his unusable mangled leg obvious. I stretch out my hand to offer some kind of solace and pat his head-something round with patches of hair due to severe malnutrition. This was such a tragedy, but to the outside world, this little boy was merely one out of the 2.6 billion people in the world who doesn't have adequate healthcare.

I have made countless speeches as an MUN delegate for the past four years. And through various donations and support, I have been given an invaluable chance to experience the cruel reality of these speeches in Kenya. It is this reality that I want to share with not only my friends, but to the whole world. Rather than representing one specific country, I want to speak on behalf of everyone who desperately needs medical assistance. Multitudes of organizations around the world stay unused because of the piles of documentation that they have to go through. As a speaker who can converse with other diplomats and as a doctor who can constructively help in the distribution of medical relief around the world, I want to bring the two worlds of medicine and international relations together. If this can work, I know that not only will Jamaul be able to join the soccer game, but children around the world will receive adequate health care. This is why I want to attend George Washington University, a place that is the center of all political action-domestic as well as international. Each day would be filled with political discussions with students and professors who are as committed to international relations as I am. As a student, I would be able to talk to speakers and professors who are active in politics and have passion for what they do. GW's unique accelerated program in political science and public policy would immensely help me gain a full understanding of international politics as I see it in action everyday in Washington D.C. With my future education George Washington, I believe that I would have sufficient knowledge in both worlds to bring them together and make sure that the little boy that i met in Kenya would never be again just a number.

This quote should be shortened to maybe just 5 words.

"Sobba!" (Blessings be with you!) I burst into the room, panting from our previous soccer<-- I don't understand this statment of panting from our previous soccer?

Also, the transition between the first paragraph and the second one needs to be better. It seems a bit too abrupt and it's confusing.


This could be shortened down to "a faceless being out of billions" or something like that

Instead of this "If this can work, I know that not only will Jamaul be able to join the soccer game, but children around the world will receive adequate health care. This is why I want to attend George Washington University, a place that is the center of all political action-domestic as well as international. " You can go directly into the "each day" by saying "each day at GW...."

Good luck! Please take a look at my essay!

An hour-and-a-half hour later, I dismiss my students for recess, and our soccer game continues...

Keep that verb tense consistent:
As I rush out of the mud hut that is my classroom, I see...

"Sobba!" (Blessings be with you!) I burst------right before this sentence, in the previous paragraph, i think you should explain the experience you are talking about in the essay. Clearly say what trip you took and what it was all about. I had to read the essay twice in order to understand what happened.

:-)