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MUN and EYP - How I spent my last two summers


engdetective 6 / 24  
Nov 16, 2010   #1
This is a short essay, based on the prompt offered by Princeton on its supplement : Please tell us how you have spent the last two summer (or vacations between school years), including jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application.

This is the first draft and I was hoping to write something that incompassed my most important activities, but also what I usually tend to do with my family.

Be as harsh as you need to :)


The traditional Albanian summer vacation precludes two weeks spent by the sea, in company of your closets ones, enjoying the tranquility of the sea and the warmth of the sun, where mundane problems are as untouchable as the horizon that separated the blue sky from the even bluer water. And despite the fact that my family has always been fond of tradition, this is one 'piece' of the Albanian modern culture we have decided to sidetrack. Most of our summer vacations have been spent in between re-discovering our countries' history, exploring the unrivalled mountainous beauty of the north, and enjoying the peacefulness of small lake-town such as Ohrid. A custom we still follow nowadays.

Nevertheless, walking around or just sleeping is not the ideal way I spend my summer, instead I usually dedicate my days to two of my biggest passions : debate and diplomacy. This is why, last year I decided to become part of the European Youth Parliament (EYP) , participating at the 2nd National Selection Conference where I was selected to represent Albania at international session in Frankfurt. And it was indeed in Frankfurt that I spent this August, building friendships with people from all around Europe, discussing current issues that undermine the bedrock of the European Union and debating my ideas in the cradle of Europian Democracy : the Paulskirche. It was so easy to feel that you belonged, in a city where one in three passports is a foreign one , in a city that incorporated everything that is global and modern in the old continent.

While this last summer, I had to divide my time between organizing the 4th National Selection Conference of EYP Albania, preparing for an upcoming Model United Nations and studying for my French and TOEFL exam. One day looking for sponsorship and building a strong programme for the EYP session and the other creating a resolution on Japan's foreign policy and trying to find potential allies, these activities made me feel connected with the outside world, learning more and more as the months passed by. While studying for all the exams, gave me a sense of purpose, since they were my first concrete step towards my academic future.
wtangalang - / 14 1  
Nov 18, 2010   #2
Barbara, I would like to commend you for a fantastic essay. You approached the topic in such a way that both your background and your experiences are incorporated, making the essay personal and therefore much stronger.

Here are some minor errors that I found:
"While these last summer," (third paragraph)
"One day looking for sponsorship and building a strong programme for the EYP session and the other creating a resolution on Japan's foreign policy and trying to find potential allies, it was a way of feeling connected with the outside world, learning more and more as the months passed by. "

By "it," do you mean "organizing the 4th National Selection Conference of EYP Albania, preparing for an upcoming Model United Nations and studying for my French and TOEFL exam?" Maybe you want to change "it" to "these activities."

"While studying for all the exams, gave me a sense of purpose, a chance to prove everything I have been fighting for and making that first concrete step towards my academic future."

What have you been fighting for? You didn't mention fighting for anything previously, so while the phrase may sound passionate, I would rephrase it to summarize your overall point instead.
OP engdetective 6 / 24  
Nov 19, 2010   #3
Thank you very much for the corrections and the advice. Questions such as this are usually harder to answer to and make more specific.

This is a latest version of my essay with revisions and everything :)
...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 26, 2010   #4
Google the word precludes to see what it means.

The traditional Albanian summer vacation precludes includes two weeks spent by the sea, in company of your closets closest ones, enjoying...

the unrivaled mountainous beauty of the north----This is a nice way to describe it!

Nevertheless, walking around or just sleeping is not the ideal way I spend my summer. Ins tead I usually dedicate ...

While Studying for all the exams (no comma necessary here) gave me a sense of purpose, since they were my first concrete step towards my academic future.

Thanks, Barbara, for being so active at EssayForum! For this essay, I think you need to add a creative concept that will stick in the reader's mind. Use this space, at the end of the first paragraph:

A custom we still follow nowadays. Replace this incomplete sentence with a complete sentence that expresses the UNIQUE MESSAGE you want the reader to associate with you.

:-)
OP engdetective 6 / 24  
Nov 27, 2010   #5
Thanks for the advice. This is essay was by far the hardest to write.

I think I will add something about myself and my relationship to my family at the end of the first paragraph since that last sentences does not do them justice.

:)


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